


Not Backing Down

by nebsie



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abusive Relationships, M/M, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Stalking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:27:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 69,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28151616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nebsie/pseuds/nebsie
Summary: At first, Ushijima's weird confession to Oikawa almost feels like a joke. But then he keeps reappearing, each encounter making Oikawa more and more uncomfortable. Will Ushijima back down? Or should Oikawa tell an adult about his situation, like Iwaizumi suggests he should?Basically: Ushijima stalks Oikawa and Iwaizumi realizes his feelings for Oikawa through jealousy.DISCLAIMER: Ushijima's character in this story is OOC! He is not himself and I apologize in advance to every Ushijima-lover (myself included, why did I do this to him). This story also contains dark themes such as stalking, abuse and rape, so if any of these are a trigger for you, please refrain from reading.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 207
Kudos: 264





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!
> 
> I'm just gonna go ahead and confess that this is a selfish, therapy-kind of fanfic for myself. I have suffered from sexual abuse in the past and I have found writing about abuse is pretty much the only way I can process the events. 
> 
> As a warning; this story will have abuse and rape later in it, but will mostly focus on how the victim deals with the trauma of it and will not describe the actual abuse or rape in much detail (I have problems writing it explicitly). 
> 
> Another warning; Ushijima's character is inaccurate and I have villanized him for the sake of the story. I actually feel very bad for doing this to him and have even been thinking of rewriting a version of this fic in which Oikawa actually finds his confessions flattering and goes out with Ushijima. (I just love Ushijima he's a good guy, just clumsy).
> 
> Last warning; English is my third language, so I apologize for any strange wording or sentences.
> 
> Please do not hesitate to contact me if you'd like any of the tags changed, I do not want to trigger anyone.   
> However, I will not apologize for writing a dark-themed story. These topics are uncomfortable and scary for me as well, and somehow writing stories about them is my way to cope. 
> 
> Anyway, if someone else finds it interesting or that it helps them overcome trauma, go ahead and enjoy whatever this is. :)

Today Seijoh was playing a practice game against Shiratorizawa. It was Friday evening, the golden light of sunset shining through the clerestory windows of the gymnasium. Squeaky sounds of gym shoes grinding against the wooden floor echoed through the wide, open space. Neither team seemed particularly eager or passionate about the game. The Spring High Preliminary tournament was just around the corner and so both teams were expecting to meet again on the court in a more serious atmosphere. This expectation made the usual rivalry between the teams less intensive than normally, made the pace a bit more relaxed, made the coaches chat in a friendly manner to each other, as if to say “well, see you at the finals.”

Oikawa Tooru disliked this practice game particularly much. Ever since junior high, he had developed a certain kind of hatred for the ace of the opposing team. Ushijima was taller, stronger and to put it honestly, more talented, than Oikawa in every single way when it came to volleyball. He was an unreachable obstacle that would remind Oikawa of his inferiority each game they played together. Defeat in itself was already bitter enough, so why the larger male felt a need to further taunt Oikawa by saying he should have come to Shiratorizawa was beyond the setter’s understanding. Why the larger male always would keep his eyes locked on Oikawa during the breaks was beyond the setter’s understanding. Ushijima was a jerk.

The game ended with a firm bounce of the ball, spiked by none other than Ushijima himself. Shiratorizawa remained undefeated once again. Seijoh’s team groaned a bit in frustration, Iwaizumi walking up to his childhood best friend, slapping him hard on the back. “Time to line up, Shittykawa”, he mumbled, a deep scowl on his serious face.

To Oikawa, defeat always tasted bitter. He swallowed hard in an attempt to get rid of it, his body moving automatically to line up with his team, his mind somewhere else for a moment. He stared across the court at the purple team, at how they all seemed to look stoic like Ushijima in this very moment. This game seemed to have bored them. This only made the setter grit his teeth and sink his nails into his palms. God what jerks they were! He wished to defeat them so that those arrogant expressions would be wiped right off of their faces!

As soon as they had thanked each other for the game, the teams scattered, Oikawa walking to the side to grab his water bottle and settle down on one of the benches. Yes, he was technically supposed to be helping out with cleaning up, but he was too angry to do anything but pout like a child. He instead chewed on the plastic of the water bottle as he drank, the bitter taste in his mouth stronger and stronger. He was too angry to keep up his usual charming façade, his fangirls in the seats disappointed that the good-looking setter wasn’t waving at them like he normally would. Oikawa had come out as gay a bit over a month ago, yet he had girls tailing him wherever he went. His teammates were jealous because of it, not understanding why Oikawa had so many fangirls, even when they knew he’d never date them.

Iwaizumi must have sensed that Oikawa was in an unusually foul mood, since the spiker was leaving him alone for now. Sitting on the bench, Oikawa couldn’t help but to wonder why Shiratorizawa had requested to play a practice game against Seijoh. It was ridiculous. The opposing team had always displayed their superiority, previously having denied any request for practice games, claiming they would win anyway. They were right, of course, but the attitude pissed Oikawa off more than anything in the world. He drank more water before fumbling with the knee support on his bad knee with a frown. He was fuming with frustration. Had this request for a practice game just been to ridicule Seijoh?

“Oikawa”, a deep voice above him called, causing the setter to flinch on the bench slightly, having been unaware of his surroundings for a while. Oikawa knew this voice. And he hated it.

“Ushiwaka-chan”, Oikawa used Ushijima’s nickname, knowing it annoyed the captain of Shiratorizawa. He stared up at the larger male, refusing to stand up. “And for what have I earned the honor of your presence?” he asked sarcastically, moving to aggressively drink more water, practically chewing at the plastic bottle in anger.

“Thank you”, always a social klutz, Ushijima missed the sarcasm, seeming to think Oikawa really honored his presence. “I wanted to ask you something.”

By now, the others in the gymnasium had taken note of the two captains interacting. It was rare, most of them aware of Oikawa’s obvious dislike towards Ushijima. Iwaizumi moved to the bench too, fumbling with his bag on the floor next to it. It was all an act though. Iwaizumi just wanted to be close by in case Oikawa would snap and would need to be stopped from embarrassing himself and the team.

“Well, go ahead, you’re already here, taunting me”, Oikawa muttered, sending dark glares up at the larger, stoic male. God, he wished Ushijima one day would just fall and bust both his knees or his back or something… His dark thoughts must have been obvious to the spiker of Seijoh as Iwaizumi opened his mouth:

“Oikawa, stop being lazy and come help us clean.” The command for Oikawa to come clean was in fact a gentle attempt to avoid this confrontation. Oikawa was aware and sighed, rubbing his bad knee once more.

“Right away, Iwa-chan”, Oikawa said, his voice lacking the usual playfulness as he still was in a foul mood. He glanced at Ushijima before getting up, deciding he was not going to listen to whatever the other captain had planned to ask him. Whatever it had been, it would probably just provoke Oikawa even more.

“Please go out with me Oikawa Tooru”, Ushijima grabbed Oikawa’s wrist as he uttered those extremely absurd words hastily yet firmly. The sudden request from Shiratorizawa’s captain had been neither quiet nor discreet so the gymnasium went silent, everyone staring at the two captains in confusion. And what a painfully awkward silence it was…

“Wha… excuse me?” Oikawa asked, pulling his wrist away from Ushijima’s firm grip. What was this? Was Ushijima gay? Had he heard that Oikawa had come out as gay a month ago and thought the two would make a good couple as they both played volleyball? This was ridiculous! It had to be a joke, it just had to be! Why on Earth would Ushijima think this was a good idea?! Oikawa’s mind was desperately trying to process this. He was used to confessions, sure, but this was beyond weird.

“I like you Oikawa. Be my boyfriend”, Ushijima said in his usual monotone way, stepping forwards, closer to the smaller captain. Behind Oikawa, Iwaizumi was gaping, staring at the scene in shock. Date? Boyfriend? Never in a million years had Iwaizumi expected Ushijima to be into guys, or into Oikawa out of all guys on the planet.

“Are you serious?” Oikawa simply couldn’t believe this, his mind racing to understand what was happening right now. He had only ever seen Ushijima as his rival, as an obstacle one had to overcome to become the best volleyball player. He had only ever viewed Ushijima as a stoic, off-putting man with a creepy stare. He was unsure whether the larger male was joking or not, his serious, unwavering expression impossible to read or understand.

“Haha, what is this!? Yet another fan, Oikawa?” Matsukawa was the first to speak, teasing Oikawa with a chuckle. The other team members of Seijoh joined in, snickering at their captain. None of them had any issues with Oikawa’s sexuality, instead, they just found it entertaining that Oikawa was being confessed to by his number one enemy.

“Go get it!” Hanamaki joined in on the fun, whistling at Oikawa in a teasing tone. Seijoh loved teasing their captain. Right now, the goal was to turn him red of embarrassment or to have him snap at Ushijima.

Ushijima only paid the two shouting boys a short glance that indicated he only now had realized everyone had stopped to look at them. Even his own team members seemed surprised. Well, everyone except for Tendou seemed surprised, as Ushijima had asked for advice on how to court Oikawa Tooru earlier the same week. His gaze slowly lowered itself back on Oikawa, traveling across his lithe yet firm body in a way that made the setter of Seijoh uncomfortable. The stare Oikawa previously had viewed as condescending now felt intrusive and strange.

“I am serious. I want you to be my boyfriend”, Ushijima repeated himself stoically, not seeming to understand the sheer absurdity of this situation. Oikawa found himself getting pissed off at the serious tone, the smaller male gritting his teeth angrily. His teammates were sneering at him, finding entertainment in this situation. His fangirls further away were watching intensely, as if this was a TV show for them. Oikawa didn’t find this funny or entertaining at all. Why the hell was Ushijima thinking that Oikawa would ever want to be his boyfriend?!

“Well, I guess some wishes just never come true”, Oikawa finally replied, Iwaizumi sensing his friend angry and taking a step forward, ready to restrain his captain in case Oikawa would start a fight. It had happened before. “I don’t want to and will never want to date you.”

“Is it because we’re rivals?” Ushijima didn’t bat an eye. This just made Oikawa angrier, the smaller captain taking a step back towards Ushijima in an attempt to threaten him. “You know, we wouldn’t be if you just would have come to Shiratorizawa”, he added. Iwaizumi sighed, seeing how his childhood friend twitched in anger.

“I wouldn’t date you even if the world had ended and you’d be the last person alive”, Oikawa hissed, clenching his fists in a way that alarmed Iwaizumi to step in. “You’re creepy and weird-“

“Oikawa, be polite and consider his feelings”, Iwaizumi commanded with a mumble, trying to remind the selfish and childish setter that he was toying with another boy’s feelings. Surely, this boy happened to be Ushijima, the one guy Oikawa hated more than anything. But still, the way he turned him down was quite cruel.

There was a moment of silence, Oikawa’s heavy breathing of anger echoing through the large gymnasium. Previously giggling team members of Seijoh had gone quiet too, sensing the tension. It was an insanely awkward situation that no one had anticipated, least of all Oikawa himself. And his straightforward, firm answer of ‘no’ just seemed to have made everyone even more hesitant to continue their tasks. Irihata, Seijoh’s head coach, considered going in between to break it off, able to see how their captain was fuming.

To Oikawa himself, this was the most humiliating situation he had ever been put in. First, he had been forced to swallow his pride and accept the request for a practice game from Shiratorizawa. Then, he had endured a painful, annoying practice game with the team that, to no one’s surprise, once again had crushed them on the court. And now, when all he wanted was to just go home and wallow in his own self-pity, Ushijima was deciding to ask him out in front of everyone? Seriously, what was wrong this this guy?!

“I won’t take no for an answer”, Ushijima finally stated. During this long minute of silence, his gaze had never stopped meeting Oikawa’s. Oikawa wondered if Ushijima always had stared at him like this – the shorter male himself always avoided looking at Ushijima. The thought of being watched by the larger player in a sexual way sent chills down Oikawa’s spine. The determined gaze was announcing that Ushijima truly wasn’t going to back down.

“Hey, hey, he said no”, Iwaizumi decided to step in once more, having been able to sense his best friend had been about to lose it. “Respect his decision, man.”

Oikawa glanced at Iwaizumi, grateful for the calming hand on his shoulder and the fact that he was standing up for him. “That’s right. I said no and I stand by my answer”, Oikawa spat out angrily. The others in the gymnasium gradually went back to cleaning, realizing that had been it. That had been the drama of the day, or probably even year, as the level of absurdity of this situation was higher than any of the other rumors circling the schools.

Ushijima hesitated, his gaze now lingering on Oikawa’s shoulder, specifically on the shoulder where Iwaizumi’s hand was resting. Iwaizumi noticed it, finding it weird. Was Ushijima possessive despite him and Oikawa never really haven spoken before aside from the typical ‘thank you for the game’? That made no sense. Iwaizumi decided to disregard his observation and his train of thoughts, concluding that he most likely was over-analyzing the large male’s gaze. Besides, he too should go back to clean so they all could go spend their evenings in the coziness of their own homes.

“I will see you later this week Oikawa, to see if your mind changes”, Ushijima said and finally backed away, slowly jogging to his own team members to finish cleaning up. It felt like the air had finally cleared around Oikawa and he took a deep breath.

“What the fuck does he mean by that?” he mumbled under his breath, rubbing his weak knee. He did so when anxious or upset, a habit which had started when he first had busted his knee. He just hoped Ushijima was kidding, not wanting more of these awkward encounters.

Cleaning went by quickly, Oikawa eventually going to help his team, his playfulness slowly returning as his teammates played around with him. They of course teased him about the encounter, citating how cruel Oikawa had been when turning Ushijima down, the impersonations making the setter laugh. He ignored the burning feeling of Ushijima’s stare, ignored that he turned back to look at Oikawa one final time before going home.

“I wouldn’t date you even if the world had ended and you’d be the last person alive”, Hanamaki mimicked Oikawa’s serious tone, chuckling. “That was so mean captain! I know he’s an awkward weirdo, but you could have been more considerate about it!”

“I won’t take no for an answer!” Matsukawa was citating Ushijima, making a fake, stoic face at Oikawa. He grabbed his captain by the shoulders. “You hear me Oikawa Tooru? I will make you my boyfriend!”

“Hey, hey, stop that! That’s creepy!” Oikawa laughed, trying to shake Matsukawa off of him. “I don’t need another Ushiwaka in my life, one is disgusting enough!”

Iwaizumi looked at the trio playing around, grateful that they had managed to get Oikawa into a better mood. Seriously, the captain of Seijoh could be such a drama queen once his foul moods kicked in. Maybe, at some level, Oikawa had found satisfaction over having the upper hand over Ushijima for once? Iwaizumi was sure that the pretty boy’s twisted mind found victory in the encounter, having been given a chance to turn Ushijima down in front of everyone.

“Oikawa”, Irihata almost never interfered the conversations of the team, but suddenly did so as the players had been about to head into the locker room. They stopped, Oikawa blinking up at their head coach with a surprised look on his pale face.

“Yes coach?” Oikawa asked with a playful grin, a grin that rarely was completely genuine or free of an ulterior move. Right now, the grin’s goal was to look charming to not be scolded for his behavior.

“If Ushijima bothers you, tell us”, Irihata said, surprising the setter. He had expected to be scolded for how he had handled the confession. Instead, the coaches looked at him seriously, a tinge of worry evident in the expression of both men. As adults, they had found Ushijima’s confession slightly worrisome, if for nothing else then due to the fact that the ace spiker had announced he’d be returning. Moreover, the Spring High Preliminary tournament was only two weeks away and they couldn’t afford Oikawa to be distracted or stressed by anything else.

“Ah”, Oikawa blinked a few times before his cute smile returned to his face. “As if he could ever bother me. I doubt he dares to see me again anyway”, he said arrogantly and then walked to the locker room, the rest of Seijoh joining, laughing at the situation. It was only now sinking in – the best player in the prefecture, Ushijima Wakatoshi, had been absolutely and utterly destroyed by Oikawa Tooru. And what a feeling it was!

x

“So, you think Ushiwaka will be coming back?” Iwaizumi asked, leading his bike to walk home together with Oikawa. They pretty much lived on the same street and had walked together to school ever since they had met. In the mornings Iwaizumi would sometimes take his bike, sometimes give Oikawa a ride, sometimes just lead his bike to walk with the setter. Most times Oikawa was at his side, though.

“Huh? Why are you thinking of him all of a sudden?” Oikawa asked with a teasing tone, the duo having talked about Karasuno’s new team just a minute ago. “Are you worried about me, Iwa-chan?” he kept teasing the spiker, making a childish expression.

“Idiot”, Iwaizumi scolded him. “Stop thinking the world revolves around you”, he frowned, annoyed at how self-centered Oikawa could be. “I asked because I’m still weirded out by it all. Ushiwaka was fucking weird”, he thought back at what had occurred two hours ago.

“Well”, Oikawa lacked the words to really express his thoughts. Mostly because he had so many thoughts and all of them were a mess at the moment. “It did catch me off guard”, he admitted. “And it does piss me off he thinks I would ever even consider dating him”, he continued. “But it also made me really happy I could crush his feelings in front of everyone.”

“You’re such a shitty guy with a shitty personality”, Iwaizumi deadpanned. He had known it – Oikawa did find victory in the situation. Seriously, the guy was more of a brat than his own nephew. “I bet you he will be back within a week”, he said to Oikawa.

“Oh, now you just sound jealous”, Oikawa made a cute face at him. “You do know you’re my number one guy, always?” even if it was technically flirting, the two teenage boys were only friends, and Oikawa’s flirtatious comments didn’t make Iwaizumi uncomfortable.

“Yea, yea, so you say”, Iwaizumi groaned in frustration, his annoyance lingering with friendly affection towards his childhood best friend. They reached Iwaizumi’s home now, the duo stopping by the front yard. “Seriously, the reason you aren’t getting dates with guys is because you act like the two of us are a couple”, he teased him back, his tone less playful, others often mistaking him for mean.

“So mean! How do you know I don’t get any dates with guys anyway?” Oikawa acted dramatic.

“Oh sorry, forgot about Ushiwaka”, Iwaizumi smirked.

“Shut it”, Oikawa groaned, rubbing his forehead. “You really just sound jealous. If you want me, just ask me out”, he was back at the teasing, making Iwaizumi stomp on his foot hard. “Ouch!”

“Stop saying that already”, Iwaizumi snapped. All of this was in good fun and they both knew it though. They knew each other better than anyone, knew exactly how far they could take the teasing without hurting each other. Knew exactly how they felt about each other. “You’re so full of yourself. Now go home, I don’t want to see your annoying pretty boy face anymore, got my daily dose of it already.”

“Ah, you’re calling me pretty. Good night then, honey”, Oikawa dragged out the tone of the nickname before walking off, waving playfully at his friend. Oikawa knew exactly how Iwaizumi felt about him, which was why he felt comfortable teasing him like this. Knew exactly that Iwaizumi only saw him as a friend. Knew exactly Iwaizumi hadn’t started viewing him any differently since he had come out.

Iwaizumi watched Oikawa walk off for a bit before heading inside, swallowing thickly, his footsteps feeling a bit heavier than normally. Never before had he felt jealous when Oikawa had gotten girlfriends or gone on dates, never had he been even the slightest bothered at how popular Oikawa was with girls. So why was Ushijima’s confession bothering Iwaizumi then?

x

Iwaizumi ended up winning the bet he had made Friday night already on Wednesday the next week. It was about five in the evening, the sun once again setting, causing the sky to shine with a fire-like glow. The light made everything look coated in honey, Oikawa’s brown eyes glistening in a deep, warm hazelnut color. Before him, Ushijima stood in a deep bow, wearing casual clothes. They were at the gates of Aoba Johsai. Oikawa, Iwaizumi and Matsukawa stared in confusion at Shiratorizawa’s captain. The rest of Seijoh’s volleyball team had left a few minutes earlier.

“Oikawa Tooru”, Ushijima spoke before any of them had a chance to say anything. The way Shiratorizawa’s ace spiker insisted on using Oikawa’s full name annoyed him, but he didn’t correct him either. “Please go out with me”, he repeated the exact same words from Friday. Today Oikawa was in a better mood though, the crushing feeling of defeat gone. Well, almost gone at least.

“I already gave you my answer”, Oikawa said, his lips twitching into a half-crooked, cruel smile. “No.” He was enjoying this once again; Iwaizumi could see that. For some reason, Iwaizumi himself didn’t enjoy this at all. Usually, he wasn’t this bothered by any of Oikawa’s strange antics or encounters, but Ushijima was seriously pissing Iwaizumi off.

“So, you haven’t changed your mind?” Ushijima stood up from the bowing position, meeting Oikawa’s gaze. Ushijima’s expression was stoic and unreadable as always, but there was something new lingering in his eyes. Besides determination, Iwaizumi was pretty sure he saw some kind of affection. Or could it be lust? Either way, it pissed him off. And it pissed him off even more that he even was reacting this way. Perhaps he was just protective and caring of his childhood friend since Ushijima was large and strong? That must have been it.

“Dude, you should give up, Oikawa isn’t interested”, Matsukawa was laughing as he uttered his words, waving his hand lazily yet dismissively at Ushijima. Ushijima only glanced at him quickly, almost looking annoyed, before focusing on his goal. Oikawa Tooru. The pretty setter of Seijoh.

“Like Mattsun said, I’m not interested”, Oikawa nodded, moving to continue walking past Ushijima. The two other students from Aoba Johsai quickly followed, looking like knights following their king. “So, where were we? Ah yes, I saw that documentary about ghosts”, he picked up the conversation as if nothing had ever occurred.

Iwaizumi looked back once, seeing Ushijima staring at them. No, scratch that, he wasn’t staring at them, he was staring at him. At Oikawa. No one else. Somehow, Iwaizumi was starting to get a bad feeling about this…

x

The house was empty. It smelled home, bathing in the honey light of sunset. The atmosphere there was always calm, etheric almost. Technically and architecturally, it was like any other of the houses in Miyagi. Just a normal, regular house, two-floors, three bedrooms, a nice, spacious living room and a kitchen that was comfortable to cook in. The wooden floors had a nice sound and smell to them but glared due to the harsh angle of sunlight piercing through the windows. The concrete walls were all painted in an even white, making the rooms appear airy and undisrupted.

Oikawa decided to partly shut the blinds, having been blinded at the reflections the shiny wooden surfaces had made. He was home alone, which he was most of the time these days. Someone else might have pitied him, a young seventeen-year-old boy looking after himself during his senior year in high school. But, truthfully, Oikawa found himself quite enjoying his time by himself. It felt like a free trial for adulthood, learning to manage the everyday life in a safe, familiar environment.

His father had passed away shortly after Oikawa’s birth, so he had never really met him. His older sister was nine years older than him and had moved out of the house years ago. She was married and had a son. And his mother spent most of her time at his grandma’s house, looking after the elderly woman and probably looking for company as she otherwise would have spent her days in loneliness. Oikawa’s mom had never really worked in her life, coming from a fairly wealthy family that had ensured her to be able to act as a stay-at-home mom. Now, with Oikawa almost an adult, she had nothing to do. Oikawa honestly felt it was more than okay that his mother spent every few weeks away from home.

He moved to cook for himself, having gotten fairly good at it. He had even learned to enjoy it, liking the control he had of what he put in his food. As he chopped up some spring onion, he thought back at Ushijima’s sudden appearance at the school. His words lingered in his mind.

So, you haven’t changed your mind?

Did Ushijima seriously expect Oikawa to suddenly change his mind and start going out with him? And what was up with his sudden interest in Oikawa anyway? Sure, the setter knew he was attractive and popular, but as far as he was concerned, those kinds of things had never impressed Ushijima. When it came to that creep, all that mattered was volleyball. And as much as Oikawa hated to admit it, he was not a star volleyball player. So why did he want to court him?

He would never admit it to anyone, not even Iwaizumi, but the way Ushijima stared at him made him uncomfortable. The spiker’s eyes seemed to be observing Oikawa in a piercing manner, in a manner that made Oikawa feel nude and vulnerable. He was unsure whether the gaze was condescending or eager, superior or aroused. Either way, it made him anxious behind his self-confident façade. He hated the feeling; it was sure indication of inferiority. He finished chopping up the spring onion and then turned the TV on, unable to deal with the silence and his intrusive thoughts.

Now he moved to check on the rice, concluding it still had to steam for a couple more minutes. It was still a bit too raw. He took advantage of these minutes to start preparing himself a small bowl of miso soup, his brows furrowing in concentration and his mind filled with grumbling thoughts.

More or less one month ago, Oikawa had decided to come out as gay. It had surprised himself as much as the others, as he had dated girls in the past, and had always believed he had enjoyed it. Or, well, he had in fact enjoyed spending time with those girls. But that exactly had been the problem. He had only ever enjoyed spending time with them. Sex had never felt very good, to the point he even had avoided meeting his girlfriends in settings that could lead to sex. Kissing and handholding had felt unnatural and forced too.

The one person to make him realize what was up was Iwaizumi. And no, his childhood best friend had not been there to talk him through this or help him figure things out. No. Iwaizumi had been the trigger. It was stupid really, and Oikawa beat himself up for it, but the volleyball team had played truth or dare together last summer. It had been all in good spirit, most dares along the lines of ‘prank call someone from Karasuno’ or ‘run three laps around the clubhouse naked’.

But then Hanamaki had dared Oikawa to kiss Iwaizumi.

Of course, they had agreed. They were childhood best friends and extremely comfortable around each other. Not only that, they both were very competitive and had refused to lose. It had been nothing but a clumsy, quick peck that had felt wet and awkward against Oikawa’s lips. But it had been enough. Enough to make Oikawa start questioning himself and his sexuality.

A month later, a month which he had spent pining for Iwaizumi, he had come out. It had been a casual thing, when they had been wrapping up their practice, Oikawa holding his usual team meeting. “Oh yes, and one more thing, I’m gay”, he had concluded it nonchalantly. The others had accepted it with nothing more but a shrug, no one even making the borderline homophobic jokes about changing clothes in front of a gay boy. Instead, they had just quickly started asking Oikawa if he had found someone, teasing him that he’d soon have a fanboy club too.

Walking home with Iwaizumi that night had been nerve-wrecking. He had teased him like always, played around in a carefree manner, having been glad that their friendship hadn’t changed one bit at his newfound sexuality. But when Iwaizumi walked up to his home that evening, waving Oikawa bye with a lazy motion with his hand, Oikawa had felt his heart ache. He had hoped, wished, prayed that Iwaizumi would have said something to indicate any sign of mutual feelings, even if Oikawa hadn’t confessed himself. But there had been none, and Oikawa had realized it all had been unrequited. It had only been a one-sided crush, most likely caused by the fact that he and Iwaizumi hung out together so much. Oikawa never brought it up, afraid to ruin the perfectly balanced friendship they had.

A bit over a month later and Oikawa’s feelings were more or less gone. Oikawa still loved Iwaizumi, of course. He always had and always would. But the strange crush that had made him tingly all over had disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. Just being friends felt good too, especially since it was Iwaizumi, a guy he had been friends with for long as he remembered. He just needed Iwaizumi in his life in any form he would come and was very content with being platonic with him. Thinking about it now that the crush had subsided, the two of them being a couple felt nearly weird, as it seemed so unrealistic and distant. It would never happen, so there was absolutely no point of dreaming about it. The miso soup was done, Oikawa having added both tofu and nori for protein and texture.

Oikawa sighed and set up the food he had made himself. Grilled fish, steamed rice with an egg yolk and spring onion and a cup of miso soup. He started eating after having gotten seated, munching down on his food with satisfied hums. He was a bit bored to be honest, a part of him planning to text Iwaizumi to ask if he’d want to hang out later that night. But Oikawa knew he wouldn’t be able to go out. A pile of dirty laundry in the laundry room had a firm grip on his schedule for the evening, as much as he hated it.

Eating went by faster when alone. With no one to talk to, the food was gone in less than ten minutes. Oikawa had been watching a talk show while eating, leaving it on as he stood up to gather the dishes. He barely listened to the talk show when washing the dishes, mostly concentrating on a random melody he had started humming on. It felt nice to take care of yourself like this. He felt like an adult, ready for what was expected of him after high school. Surely, he would be more prepared than Iwaizumi. Oh, he would make sure to tease Iwaizumi about his cooking skills when he saw him tomorrow. The spiker had managed to burn an egg when they had tried to cook together. This had happened years ago, but Oikawa’s teasing nature forbid him from forgetting it.

He slumped down on the couch, the TV still on. The sun had pretty much set outside now, but he was too lazy to go open the blinds. He lay on his back, playing on his phone, opening and closing the chat between him and Iwaizumi, wanting to ask him to hang out but knowing he’d soon have nothing to wear unless he did his laundry. He soon groaned, giving in to the looming presence of the undone pile of laundry, walking up to it. “Well, time to wash you then-“

Oikawa froze. The pile was gone. No, wait, it wasn’t gone. It was washed, his previously dirty clothes all washed up and folded into nice, precise piles. He blinked once. He blinked twice. Then he reached towards one of the shirts, feeling it. “Did I wash you guys last night?” he mumbled to himself, confused. Maybe he had? Suddenly, he didn’t remember what he had done last night. Today was Wednesday, right? So yesterday had been Tuesday. Tuesday meant morning practice which meant he’d been early home which meant… Well technically he could have washed them.

“Huh”, he said to himself, picking the piles up. “I guess I should start sleeping more”, he told himself, carrying them up to his room to put them in his closet. He told himself his memory was hazy due to sleep deprivation. He was only partly worried about this, insisting that he had forgotten about his actions last night as his routines were so similar each evening. The evenings kind of merged into each other, all becoming the same routine-filled evening, lacking context and detail.

This weird twist of events cleared out his plans for the evening though, and so he took out the phone from the back pocket of his pants and texted Iwaizumi. At least he wouldn’t need to be bored for much longer. Or so he hoped. Sometimes his childhood best friend would focus on studying, turning down any request for hangouts.  
The reply came a minute later. Oikawa figured Iwaizumi had been equally bored, even with his family at home to entertain him and keep him company.

“Do your laundry, idiot”, Iwaizumi wrote.

“Already done”, Oikawa sent, accompanying his message with a cute emoticon.

“Then get outside in ten”, Iwaizumi replied. “And bring your volleyball.”

“Yessir!” Oikawa teased before doing as told. Hanging out these days always meant playing volleyball as the Spring High Preliminary tournament was just a bit over a week away.

And this time, Oikawa felt confident that Seijoh would crush Shiratorizawa.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> I don't really have anything to say except for things will slowly get weirder and weirder in this story.  
> Also thanks to the people who bookmarked and left kudos :) Comments are also always appreciated!
> 
> I'm slowly working on chapter 3 but I feel it may take me a bit longer with that update. 
> 
> Enjoy!

It was nearing the end of the October. The leaves rustling in the autumn wind had gradually and smoothly turned from green, to yellow and now to a bright orange. Mother nature seemed to be thanking everyone for a successful year with how she colored the landscape one more time before the winter would arrive. The temperatures were already hinting at the new season although it was still too early for winter.

With one more week until the Miyagi Prefecture Spring Internight Qualifier tournament, Oikawa found himself becoming pumped up. A part of him was tense and stressed too. This would be his very last chance to get his revenge on Shiratorizawa. His very last chance to live up to the promise he had made himself in junior high school. He didn’t want to let his team down – and even more than that, he didn’t want to let himself down.

It frustrated the brunet that Ushijima had appeared again two days after last Wednesday, standing by the gate in the same way, at the same time, even wearing the same clothes. And repeating the same words. Oikawa didn’t understand why or how the athletic spiker kept appearing. Was not Oikawa’s answer firm enough? Or did Ushijima sincerely believe he could win Oikawa over by just repeating the same question over and over again? Oikawa had convinced himself that the only explanation for this absurd behavior was the fact that Ushijima had heard he was gay and assumed the two of them would make a great couple as they both had a passion for volleyball. How wrong one could be!

Lost in his own thoughts, his hands buried in the pockets of his jacket, Oikawa bumped into someone by the school gates. He blinked and flinched when he saw Ushijima there, the large spiker looking at him. Ushijima was not that much taller than Oikawa, but somehow, the small height difference between them felt bigger than normally and Oikawa felt smaller than he should have.

“Ushiwaka-chan”, Oikawa said, frowning. Today was Monday, which meant it had only been three days since Ushijima last had harassed him with his request for dating. It also meant today was a day off from volleyball practice, which in turn meant Oikawa didn’t have his team lingering around him. He and Iwaizumi had different afternoon classes too and so Oikawa had decided to walk back home on his own. Now he regretted this decision.

“Oikawa”, Ushijima took a step closer, reaching forward, grabbing him by his shoulders. He stared at him seriously, his expression always remaining the same. Oikawa refused to look away, refused to show any sign of fear or inferiority. “You are very pretty.”

The compliment sounded more like a threat than sweet words from a boyfriend. Well, Ushijima wasn’t even a boyfriend, not at least to Oikawa. The way the taller teen stared at him made Oikawa troubled and uneasy, whether he wanted it or not. He laughed the compliment off, his laughter sounding fake and almost cruel, while gently pushing the hands away from his shoulders.

“As if I don’t know that already? Now before you ask, no, I don’t want to date you”, Oikawa said. The first time this had been shocking. The second time this had been amusing. Third time kind of funny too. Now, the fourth time, this was getting only annoying. He looked back at the school, hoping Iwaizumi, Matsukawa, Hanamaki, Kindaichi, anyone would arrive. Hell, even Kyoutani would have been better than no one! He felt like he wouldn’t be able to shake Ushijima off on his own.

“Why not?” Ushijima finally had the sanity to ask for a reason, other than him and Oikawa being rivals. Previously he had only been repeating himself, repeating that he wanted to date. But it still pissed the setter of Seijoh off that the stoic ace player remained so unwavering. Did it not hurt him to be turned down time and time again? Or did he believe in Oikawa eventually agreeing to date him so much that it led to him being invincible to the setter’s harsh words?

“I’m not interested in you, Ushiwaka-chan. Seriously”, Oikawa said, not being playful or childish for once. He hoped that this had been it and tried to walk past him but found himself being blocked in an instant.

“But you’re into men, aren’t you?” Ushijima asked, his large, calloused hands back on Oikawa’s slender shoulders. With that question, the setter confirmed his theory. So, yes, it seemed that Oikawa had been right all along. Ushijima was gay and had heard Oikawa was too, and that was the only reason for this insanity.

“That doesn’t mean I’m into you”, Oikawa pouted and pushed the hands on his shoulders away again. He honestly didn’t like when he was touched by Ushijima. He didn’t like it one bit. It made him at least as, or if not even more, uncomfortable as Ushijima’s creepy stare.

“Hey, you back to woo Shittykawa? Sorry, but he doesn’t seem interested”, a voice behind Oikawa spoke, causing the setter to relax and breathe out in released tension. Iwaizumi had caught up to Oikawa and had seen the situation. Thank god, Oikawa hadn’t been sure how to shake the determined spiker of Shiratorizawa off of him this time. “Maybe just leave him alone?”

The previous visits Ushijima had always at least paid others a short glance, but now he completely ignored Iwaizumi, his gaze not leaving Oikawa for even a second. The pretty setter walked up to the shortest male among them, looking at Iwaizumi with a small pout. “Ushiwaka-chan seems to be a dumbass, my words aren’t getting through to him”, he said in a bratty voice, making sure Ushijima heard him.

“Hey, Shittykawa, have some decency for your admirer”, Iwaizumi scolded him gently, but on the inside he did feel the same way as Oikawa. He just didn’t want to say it like that, not when there was a chance they would be playing against Shiratorizawa in about a week. He wanted to maintain a clean bond to the team, avoiding any unnecessary confrontation. But it certainly didn’t seem like Ushijima was avoiding any unnecessary confrontation, appearing again and again to Aoba Johsai to pester Oikawa with the same question.

Because Ushijima wasn’t speaking, only staring, the childish setter let out a loud huff before starting to walk towards his home. “Iwa-chan, can we stop by the store to get some snacks?” he decided to ignore Ushijima again, hoping that would shake the persistent creep off.

“We? You get your own snacks you greedy brat”, Iwaizumi said, having followed Oikawa with quick strides, also wanting to get away from Ushijima. Or well, to be more specific, he wanted to get Oikawa away from Ushijima. The large genius player was creepier and creepier each time he appeared to confess, his gaze more and more intense. Iwaizumi was concerned about it all.

The childhood best friends stopped walking after only a few steps, immediately noting Ushijima following them. Ushijima stared at them, his gaze altering between Oikawa and Iwaizumi before landing to just admire Oikawa again. This was… new. Last time Ushijima had said his thing and disappeared. Oikawa had turned him down and that had been it.

“And what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Oikawa asked him, his annoyance twisting his pleasing face into a nasty scowl and glare. He stared up at Ushijima in clear anger.

“Following you home”, Ushijima stated it as if it was obvious. And as if it wasn’t a creepy intrusive thing to do. Iwaizumi was shocked, wondering how far Ushijima was going with this. His weird confessions were now turning stalkerish! Iwaizumi couldn’t help but to think back at the head coach’s comment from after the practice game… Should Oikawa tell an adult about this? If he refused, should Iwaizumi? “That’s what boyfriends do.”

“What...?!” Oikawa turned red, not from flattery or embarrassment, but from anger. He gripped his shoulder bag hard, staring up at Ushijima with an intense gaze that anyone else would have been able to tell was furious. Two girls from Aoba Johsai walked past the trio, giggling at the situation. Everyone was gossiping about Ushijima’s confession to Oikawa, finding it adorable. Well, it wasn’t! It really, really wasn’t! “But we’re not boyfriends!”

“Ushiwaka, I understand it’s hard being turned down, but you gotta lay off”, Iwaizumi joined in, trying to calm the situation. Unfortunately, he was starting to get angry himself too. This was frustrating and off-putting. Yes, he was aware that Ushijima had the social skills of a rock, but even he should have understood to leave Oikawa alone by now.

“Let me walk you home”, Ushijima said, reaching for Oikawa’s hand grabbing the strap of his shoulder bag, seeming like he wanted to hold it. “Please, Oikawa. I want to walk you home.”

“Weren’t we going to study at my place today, Oikawa?” Iwaizumi tried to solve this situation quickly. Surely, Ushijima wouldn’t want to walk Iwaizumi home.

“Yes, yes”, Oikawa caught the drift without even needing to exchange a glance with his best friend. They were so in sync they always knew what the other was thinking or aiming for in situations. “I’m not going home today, so you scram”, he said at Ushijima, using his bratty voice, shooing him away with a harsh hand motion that also shooed Ushijima’s hand away from grabbing his hand.

Ushijima frowned. He actually frowned, causing Oikawa to swallow hard. This was the first time he saw the ace be expressive and the emotion he was expressing was clearly anger. Somehow, he felt a bit intimidated. Perhaps the small frown felt more impactful due to the usual lack of any emotional or expressive response from the larger teenager.

“I said shoo!” Oikawa repeated himself and his gesture, sticking his tongue out at Ushijima childishly. “Seriously, you’re pissing me off. Come, Iwa-chan, I want to get myself some milk bread.” He continued walking again, hoping that would have been it.

“We should get something healthier”, Iwaizumi replied, looking back once to make sure Ushijima didn’t follow them. The stoic boy just stood there for a while before walking the opposite direction. Maybe Ushijima just didn’t understand the concept of dating… Maybe there was no need to involve any adults into this mess.

X

Despite the plan just being a decoy to fool Ushijima, Oikawa had ended up at Iwaizumi’s house to study anyway. Iwaizumi’s family were weak for Oikawa’s charming looks and cute behavior, not seeming to see through the fake smiles or giggles he’d use around them. Therefore, it came as no surprise when the brunet was asked to stay for dinner. Iwaizumi’s mother had almost made him sleep over for the night upon hearing that Oikawa currently lived on his own for a few weeks.

Standing by the doorsteps of Iwaizumi’s house, Oikawa smiled charmingly at Mrs. Iwaizumi, bowing and thanking her for the meal.

“Oh, but Tooru-chan, it’s so cold outside, why don’t you borrow one of Hajime’s scarves?” the middle-aged woman asked, hurrying to the closets a bit further into the hall to retrieve one. She always cared for Oikawa, finding him lovely and polite.

“Thank you so much, but I do live just a few blocks away”, Oikawa chuckled in his charming way, glancing down at Iwaizumi who saw right through the act. When hanging out in private, Oikawa would clearly display his selfishness, shallowness and most of all, his childishness. Iwaizumi knew what the so-called charming boy really was like and no fake smile, no matter how innocent-looking, could fool him.

“You really are a crappy guy”, he told the taller teenager with a scowl, annoyed at how his mother babied his friend. And annoyed at how his cute face had been making Iwaizumi strangely confused lately. “Anyway, text me when you’re home.”

“Aw, now it feels like I have two mothers caring for me, Iwa-chan”, Oikawa teased with a snicker. He bowed at Mrs. Iwaizumi when she arrived with a thick, knitted white scarf. “Oh, is this really Iwa-chan’s? How cute! I would never expect him to wear something like this!”

“I know right! He does look adorable in it, but he refuses to wear it out”, the middle-aged woman seemed saddened at this, wrapping the scarf around the neck of the boy that felt like her second son.

“How cruel, Iwa-chan! You know what, Mrs. Iwaizumi, I’ll make sure Iwa-chan wears this to school tomorrow! Count on me”, Oikawa said cheerfully, his eyes glistening in a way that could be perceived as friendly and well-meaning. Iwaizumi knew better. Oikawa was taunting him.

“Oh, Tooru-chan, you are such a charmer, always making me so happy”, Iwaizumi’s mother ruffled Oikawa’s hair. “Take care now Tooru-chan and walk home safe!”

“I will, thank you for today”, Oikawa skipped down from the doorsteps in a carefree manner, waving at Iwaizumi whose own wave was shadowed by his furious glare. Iwaizumi was pissed at Oikawa for teasing him about the scarf. That only fueled Oikawa’s desire to make Iwaizumi wear it the next day though.

With a satisfied smile, Oikawa strolled home alone in the darkness, humming for himself. It was a short walk home; he was already unlocking the front door to his home five minutes later. He blinked at his slippers being placed on the floor right by front door, as if they had been waiting for him to come home. Oikawa swore he had left them in the drawer next to the genkan.

“Did you guys start walking on your own or should I start being more aware of myself?” he mumbled partly to the soft slippers, partly to himself. Somehow, this night felt particularly chilly all of a sudden.

X

Three days later, on Thursday, Ushijima invaded the gymnasium during Seijoh’s practice. The coaches exchanged a worried glance with each other, but since none of the boys had told them that this was in fact the fifth time Ushijima was returning, the men assumed this was the first time. That this was just the promise Ushijima had made back at the practice game, to return to see in case Seijoh’s head setter really would change his mind.

Seijoh's players were playing a small practice game with each other, Oikawa having his back turned to the entrance, not noting his weird admirer arriving at first. Droplets of sweat ran down his soft cheeks, the brunet having full focus on the game for now. What made him snap out of his zone of concentration was Yahaba’s voice, laughing at how Ushijima once more had appeared. It all still felt like some kind of joke, though admittedly, for Oikawa himself, this was starting to get a tad scary.

“Hey, son, sorry, this is a private practice”, Irihata had risen from his seat and walked up to the tall teenage boy by the door. A small hinge of concern was evident on his slightly wrinkly face. “Perhaps you could wait outside-“

“It’s cold outside. I’m here to see Oikawa”, Ushijima replied in his usual laconic manner. He didn’t seem to be of any harm, his eyes moving to linger on his precious object of affection. Irihata took notice of this, pitying the pining teenage boy. This innocent crush of his would remain unrequited, Irihata guessed, as Oikawa had presented a quite firm response earlier.

“Alright. Well, we were just about to wrap this up anyway”, the older man said kindly. He hesitated for a short moment before moving back to join the other coach, Mizoguchi. The younger coach had been on edge but upon seeing Irihata flash a sad, yet empathetic smile, he realized Ushijima probably meant no harm with his awkward behavior.

Oikawa gritted his teeth that Ushijima was allowed to stay. He returned his strange stare with a childish pout, sticking his tongue out and pulling on his eyes to make an ugly grimace. His teammates only laughed at him, Iwaizumi scolding him for being distracted. And bratty. The game resumed, Oikawa’s previous focus gone now that the creep had arrived. He felt Ushijima’s intense stare crawl up his back, causing him to shudder slightly.

The game was soon over, probably sooner than it should have been. Partly it was Oikawa’s fault as he had allowed his team to lose. He had done it on purpose, having let many easy receives go past him, desiring nothing more than to evade Ushijima’s invading gaze. He just wanted to go home and focus on the upcoming games, not wanting to spare Ushijima even a second of a thought.

Hanamaki snickered at Oikawa, patting his back. “So eager to see your boyfriend, huh, Oikawa?” he teased, well aware that the captain couldn’t stand the guy. Ushijima seemed to have heard it though, perking up ever so slightly. That pissed Oikawa off.

“Makki, one hundred laps”, Oikawa hissed in frustration, which only made Hanamaki laugh. Most of Oikawa’s orders were always obeyed during practice, this particular one had, however, been an obvious exaggeration.

“Aww, come on prince charming”, Matsukawa joined in on the fun, wrapping his arm around Oikawa. “Just give in to it already, he’ll keep showing up until you agree to marry him.”

“Would you guys stop being so mean to me all the time?” Oikawa whined, lazily walking to the volleyball net to hoist it down. He was as stubborn as Ushijima, persistently avoiding paying the weird boy as much as a glance.

“Mean? We’re just supportive!” Matsukawa pretended to be innocent, helping his captain get the volleyball net down and folding it. The grin on his face revealed that he was enjoying pestering Oikawa. It felt like revenge for all the times his captain would act like a brat or tease them.

“Stop playing around and focus on tidying up, I want to go home”, Iwaizumi said firmly from across the court. Ironically enough, the team obeyed Iwaizumi more despite him being the vice-captain. Iwaizumi was scary when angry, while Oikawa just turned into an annoying, whiney brat when angry.

There was one, small whine of protest from the teasing duo before they left their captain alone and focused on tidying up the gym. It was cloudy outside and the wide space felt colder than normally, the chilly weather from outside had somehow managed to creep into the gymnasium. The boys voiced hesitant complains about this, wondering when the school would be turning the heating on. With casual chatter and occasional complaints filling the echoing space, cleaning up went by fairly swiftly. The pressure of the tournament, however, was starting to get to them all and they went a bit silent as they had cleaned up, staring at the court they had played on so many times.

“Ah, well. See you tomorrow morning then”, Oikawa simply said after a short moment of solitude, realizing they all had gotten a bit sentimental. He stretched his back a bit, letting out a soft groan, and then lazily started waddling towards the locker room, ignoring Ushijima who stood by the entrance for now. The coaches looked at each other and sighed, having expected Oikawa to at least have the manners to greet his desperate admirer.

Ushijima didn’t appear the slightest upset or impatient though, simply waiting for the setter to get changed, looking after him with a longing gaze. The rest of Seijoh’s volleyball club hurriedly followed their captain, some turning their heads to take a closer look on Oikawa’s strange admirer. It still felt weird that the best volleyball player in the prefecture was head over heels in love with their silly, dramatic captain.

Fifteen minutes later Oikawa stepped out of the locker room with damp hair, chewing on a protein bar and scrolling on his phone. “Iwa-chan, hurry up”, he whined like a child waiting for their mother. He let out a weird choke when he saw Ushijima still there, having expected him to head home during the time he had spent showering and changing. “Why are you still here..? Shoo!” he tried shooing Ushijima away as if he was a stray animal of some sort.

“I wanted to see you”, Ushijima replied seriously, thinking Oikawa genuinely had wanted to know why he still was there. His social skills were non-existent – he always took everything way too literally. Well, except for Oikawa’s answer, it seemed.

“Ugh, I get it, everyone wants to see me, I’m just that perfect”, the pretty setter said arrogantly, Hanamaki stepping out from the locker room as well and snickering at the scene. “But now you’ve seen me, so go away.”

“You should learn to be more polite Oikawa”, Hanamaki smirked.

“And you should learn not to meddle in everything”, Oikawa replied in annoyance. He paused for a few seconds, leaning back. “Seriously Iwa-chan, how much longer are you gonna take? You do know no amount of make-up can save your ugly face, right?”

“I’m gonna kill you, Shittykawa”, was the first thing Iwaizumi said when he opened the door, a nasty scowl adorning his overall serious features. He then blinked in the same way as Oikawa had when seeing Ushijima still there. He frowned but decided to say nothing.

“Stop saying you’ll kill me when you won’t. It’s called lying”, Oikawa teased and then continued chewing on his protein bar, starting to walk out, not paying Ushijima a second of attention or a fraction of a word.

Ushijima followed quickly, being closer than usually. Hanamaki and Iwaizumi exchanged a glance before following as well. A minute later Matsukawa was running up to them, complaining over how they had dared to leave without him. He chuckled softly when he noticed Ushijima in their small group of friends, wondering how long the clingy ace player would be following Oikawa around. Perhaps this would end after the tournament next week?

Once outside, Oikawa shuddered a bit, partly because of the cold weather feeling exceptionally harsh due to his damp hair, partly because of Ushijima’s persistent behavior. The larger spiker was right behind him, his breath itching at Oikawa’s neck, feeling oddly heavy. It was out of character for him to seem anything but emotionless, so the obscure, breathy pants only made the tall setter uneasy, almost to the point that his body started squirming in discomfort. Iwaizumi couldn’t help but to see the way his tall friend’s shoulders tensed and considered blocking the small space between him and his creepy follower. He decided not to do that, however, as it would only make Oikawa’s discomfort obvious to the rest, and he assumed Oikawa didn’t want that.

When a large, calloused hand grabbed Oikawa’s, he jumped slightly. “Let go”, he pulled his hand away quickly, turning around to see Ushijima display what he assumed was confusion. “And stop following me. I’m getting fairly tired of your behavior, you know.”

“Boyfriends hold hands”, was the explanation Oikawa got. Before he had a chance to reply, his hand was grabbed again, this time forcefully, the grip hard and determined.

“Pfft”, Matsukawa couldn’t hold back, starting to snicker. Hanamaki joined in, the latter covering his mouth in an attempt to hide how hard he truly was cracking up over this. These two didn’t seem to notice that Oikawa was uncomfortable for real by now, which contrasted to Iwaizumi, who had been able to tell that the tall setter had gotten uncomfortable the second he had seen Ushijima at practice.

“Ouch, let go”, Oikawa whined, trying to pull his hand away but Ushijima refused to let go, squeezing his hand harder. “Ow, ow, ow..! Are you trying to sabotage my hand before the tournament?”

“You are being selfish, Oikawa”, Ushijima said, having heard Seijoh’s volleyball team call him that many times. He wanted to be chummy and teasing with him, having noticed it was how the pretty boy showed affection. He pulled him closer. “Boyfriends hold hands”, he repeated, unsure how to really do that kind of playful teasing that Oikawa and his friends did, but knew he wanted him close.

Oikawa stumbled over slightly when his hand was pulled on like that, the tug having been dangerously forceful. This was starting to scare him now, Ushijima’s blank face still displaying the exact same kind of determination it had when confessing his love at the practice game almost two weeks ago. He was going to back down eventually, right?

“You’re hurting him. Boyfriends don’t do that”, Iwaizumi said with a frown. He didn’t realize that him saying it like that made it sound like he recognized the two as a couple. He had just wanted Ushijima to stop touching Oikawa, as it, for whatever reason, made Iwaizumi furious. Ushijima let go of Oikawa’s hand, the setter rubbing it with a pout.

“I’m sorry Oikawa”, Ushijima said stoically, staring at what he believed was his boyfriend.

“Whatever”, Oikawa said, having taken three steps back from Ushijima, his body uncomfortably tense. Matsukawa and Hanamaki were still holding back their laughter, which made Oikawa remember the ridiculousness of this all. This was just some kind of silly crush, nothing to be worried or scared about. “I’m going home now.”

“Okay”, Ushijima said, his lips hinting at a small smile. It made Oikawa’s stomach churn in worry, realizing Ushijima indeed was thinking of them as a couple despite all of Oikawa’s cruel comments. “I will walk with you.”

Today, Oikawa was too tired to start arguing and just continued walking. He ignored the looming presence of Ushijima following him, insisting on only talking to his friends. Halfway to the way home, Matsukawa and Hanamaki turned to another street, living in a different part of the town. Ushijima was still following Oikawa, which was starting to creep the latter out. Iwaizumi was a tad worried himself, but like the setter of Seijoh, was convinced that this was just the result of having a socially incapable guy falling in love with someone as sarcastic and unreadable as Oikawa.

When the odd trio reached the convenience store the closest to Oikawa’s and Iwaizumi’s streets, Oikawa stopped abruptly, his usually playful face uncharacteristically serious. “Okay. That’s it. Stop following me already. Seriously. I’ve told you many times. I’m not interested in dating you, I’m not your boyfriend and I never will be. Do you understand?” there was absolutely nothing sarcastic in his tone. Iwaizumi felt like an awkward third wheel, but didn’t want to leave either. There was no way he’d ever leave Oikawa alone with this weirdo.

“No, I don’t”, Ushijima’s response was completely honest. “Why don’t you give it a chance? Sometimes you’re so stubborn about the most ridiculous things. First refusing a scholarship to Shiratorizawa just because of your plan to defeat me, and now refusing to be my boyfriend without even knowing me? That’s selfish. You should consider other people’s feelings”, Ushijima spoke more than usually and Oikawa was unsure if that was due to annoyance or sadness. Maybe both. Or maybe neither.

Oikawa took a deep breath, frustrated. “Look. My stubbornness is my problem”, he said, glaring up at Ushijima. “I get to decide what I want. Just like you get to decide what you want. And for dating to work, it’d require us two to want the same thing. We don’t. End of story. So just stop this already”, he crossed his arms.

“I want you Oikawa”, Ushijima didn’t even falter at what he had been told. For whatever reason, Oikawa’s words weren’t getting through his thick skull. Iwaizumi felt even more awkward. “But I can tell you’re upset today”, this made Oikawa blink. Ushijima was able to sense other people’s moods after all? That was new. “I will take my leave then. Thank you for today”, it was an oddly polite thing to say after a conversation like that. The tallest boy among them bowed and then turned to walk away.

“Finally”, Oikawa said. “I hope he finally got the fucking hint.”

“Yeah. You think we should tell the coaches about this? It’s getting a bit… much”, Iwaizumi said, looking over at the setter.

“Nah. Ushijima may be weird, but I think he got it now”, Oikawa smiled cockily, finally able to relax. “Let’s go then, it’s cold out today.”

“It’s not that cold, you just didn’t dry your hair properly dumbass”, Iwaizumi scolded him. He hesitated for a moment. “Hey, I think I forgot a textbook at your place a few weeks ago. Mind if I come get it now on the way home?”

“Huh? Yeah sure”, Oikawa agreed without much hesitation.

Both boys knew what Iwaizumi had said was a lie. There was no forgotten textbook in Oikawa’s house. They had mainly been hanging out at Iwaizumi’s lately. But neither felt it necessary to bring up this detail. Iwaizumi had felt a need to walk Oikawa home, a need to see him get home safely, a need to make sure nothing happened on the way back. And Oikawa didn’t mind this protection he got, uneasiness still climbing up his spine at how far this weird situation with Ushijima had gone. Maybe telling an adult would have been the wisest thing to do. But neither felt like making more of a scene of this than it already was. This would pass eventually, they told themselves.

X

The first day of the tournament was finally here and Oikawa had barely slept the day before. He was always the same before these games, staying up late and watching volleyball game after volleyball game until each pixel of his screen was etched into his brain. He knew he’d be getting a scolding from both Iwaizumi and the coaches as the dark rings under his eyes gave him away for his behavior. But he couldn’t help it; when he got excited like this, sleep was the last thing on his mind!

He had been walking to the restroom with Iwaizumi when they bumped into Hinata Shouyo in the hallway right outside the door to the bathroom. Both boys from Seijoh remembered the troublesome middle blocker of Karasuno from their previous game together and Oikawa had only felt it necessary to scare the trembling boy. His childish threat had earned him a small glance from Iwaizumi that had told him to lay off – Hinata was just a first-year student. A tiny one at that.

Just when Oikawa had decided to walk on, Ushijima had made his appearances as well. Things had gotten tense due to the competitiveness of all boys present. Threats and promises of winning the tournament were exchanged, all while the red-haired Hinata was trapped in the middle of them, a head shorter than them. A bit into the conversation, Aone form Date Tech walked up too, but only seemed to be wanting to greet his friend Hinata.

“It doesn’t matter who wins, we’ll gladly accept your challenge”, Ushijima concluded their small quarrel, if it even could have been called that. He was now speaking as the captain of Shiratorizawa, Oikawa could tell. This made the setter of Seijoh calmer, feeling that Ushijima would lay off his creepy behavior. It felt like Oikawa was punished for his thoughts by some kind of cruel god, because the second he had exhaled in relief, Ushijima turned back around to face them. “Ah yes, good luck”, he said, staring Oikawa in the eyes.

“Good… luck..?” Hinata, looking up at the taller boys in slight fear, seemed confused by it all. He let out a small, surprised yelp when he was pushed aside, Ushijima taking determined strides up to Oikawa.

“As if I need luck-“, Oikawa only managed to say half of his intended sentence before he was grabbed by his waist and pulled into a weird, clumsy kiss. He let out a high-pitched, surprised noise, jumping in shock at what had happened. Had Ushijima just kissed him? In front of everyone?! “What the hell?!”

“Hey!” Iwaizumi pushed Ushijima off of his captain, fuming. He was angrier than before, the sight of his best friend being kissed by Shiratorizawa’s captain fueling an unknown rage and jealousy inside of him. Ushijima was not supposed to be kissing Oikawa! The only guy to ever had kissed Oikawa was Iwaizumi, and Iwaizumi would have preferred it to stay that way. He didn’t realize how possessive his own thoughts were, didn’t realize his thoughts were hinting at more than platonic feelings for his best friend.

Confused murmurs filled the hallways, some louder than other. It was painfully obvious that the obscure kiss hadn’t been discreet or gone by unnoticed. Surely, the rumor of Ushijima’s ludicrous confession had reached most of the volleyball teams present as well. Would people now think they really were a couple? Oikawa was just about to open his mouth to clear the odd whispers circling the hallways when the silly redhead of Karasuno spoke up.

“Are you two dating!? Wow, the captains of the strongest teams in the prefecture!” Hinata didn’t seem disgusted or confused, rather an expression of excitement spread across his boyish features. “Congratulations you two! Ah, but Karasuno will beat both of your teams!”

“We’re not dating”, Oikawa said loudly, hoping everyone would hear it. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve angrily, glaring at Ushijima who had gotten offended at Iwaizumi pushing him off. His usually expressionless face was now tensed into a small frown, his eyes resting on Oikawa’s face, altering by focusing on his lips and eyes. It made the setter tense his body, the realization of Ushijima still not backing down hitting in. “I think this is the fifth time I’m turning him down.”

“Sixth, actually”, Iwaizumi corrected him, desperately trying to control the inexplainable anger filling his sturdy body at the moment. Now the urge to tell the coaches about this was stronger than ever. He wanted Ushijima to be taken off of this tournament, preferably even sent abroad permanently, anything to keep him away from Oikawa and his lips.

“Huh?” Hinata tilted his head to the side, squinting his eyes in obvious confusion. “But you two just kissed… I’m confused…” he crossed his arms now, pouting his lips in thought.

“I said we’re not dating so we’re not dating!” Oikawa hissed at the small boy, making Hinata flinch and shudder as he was towered over. Oikawa then pointed his finger right at Ushijima, well aware of it being rude and hoping it would offend him. “You..! You pull a stunt like that again and I’ll make you regret it!”

“Okay, Oikawa”, Ushijima nodded, but it was obvious he didn’t take the threat seriously. Either that or he wasn’t understanding that Oikawa really hadn’t wanted the kiss. “Well, come see me at the nationals then”, he told him before now, finally, walking away. The overly self-confident statement about going to the nationals just reminded Oikawa of how much he truly despised Ushijima Wakatoshi.

“What a jerk..!” he said under his breath, clenching his fists as his face displayed a nasty expression of mixed frustration and anger. “I can’t believe he just said that!” he looked at Iwaizumi. Hinata blinked up at the two innocently before remembering why he even had come there – the bathroom! He snuck into the bathroom between Iwaizumi and Oikawa, disappearing from their sights.

“I can’t believe he kissed you”, Iwaizumi said, crossing his arms with a soft huff. “I feel this is something we should start telling the coaches.”

“Hell no!” Oikawa was oddly determined not to tell anyone. “If we do, people will think I came up with all these stories and just tried to get him disqualified so that Seijoh would win!”

Ah, that explained it.

“Okay, fine, we’re not telling, but you stick to the team or me now, okay?” Iwaizumi hadn’t expressed his worry this clearly before, but after seeing how Ushijima forcefully had grabbed Oikawa, he had gotten scared of how far the laconic ace player would take things. A part of Iwaizumi was still sure Ushijima would give up soon though. Crushes like these never lasted very long.

“Iwa-chan is acting like my mom again”, Oikawa pouted at him. “But yes, I will”, the teasing didn’t last longer than that this time. Oikawa himself was scared too. The intrusive feeling of Ushijima remained on his lips for the rest of that day.

X

That night falling asleep was unusually difficult. The leaves rustling in the tree right outside of Oikawa’s window were loud and unpleasing, occasionally scratching against the windowpane as if they tried to break in. The faint moonlight from outside seemed to be playing cruel games with the tall setter, its pale light landing directly on the boy’s eyes. Constantly either too cold or too warm, his blanket wouldn’t offer him its usual comfort. Everything was off.

A faint pressure was constantly on his lips. It just hadn’t left since the kiss. A kiss he hadn’t wanted and he hadn’t been able to stop. It wasn’t like it was the end of the world – it was just one kiss – but he had a hard time shaking it off. The scene repeated itself in his head and waves of embarrassment washed over him as he remembered the shocked expressions of the others around them. Would the players of Karasuno now think Oikawa and Ushijima were dating? If Seijoh did end up winning Shiratorizawa in the finals, would everyone believe it was due to Ushijima going easy on his supposed boyfriend’s team?

Oikawa turned around for probably the hundredth time, his bed creaking ever so slightly at his weight shifting. His body was tired from all the games they had played – and thankfully won – that day. But inside his head there was a constant storm of thoughts. A strange anxiety had been building up inside of him the entire day. Would Ushijima really back down at some point? Or was he actually insane?

He tried telling himself that he was being ridiculous and overdramatic. There was no way Ushijima truly was obsessed with him. He was just dense when it came to other people’s emotions. And a bit rough with how he handled others, it appeared. But surely, behind those strange, emotionless eyes, there were no bad intentions. Convincing himself of this was harder than usually, the fatigue in his body making his anxiety intense and almost overwhelming.

He blindly reached for his phone on the bedside table next to his bed and unlocked it. With squinting eyes he stared at the bright screen. It was two in the morning already and he hadn’t slept a second. He locked his phone and put it away only to reach for it five seconds later again. This time he opened the group chat with Seijoh, staring at the last messages sent, messages eager for the next games tomorrow. Oikawa started typing.

“I can’t sleep”, he typed in but regretted it and deleted it before sending it off. With slightly trembling fingers he tried again. “You guys think I should tell coach about-“ once again he deleted his message. In the back of his mind, he heard his team members giggling and snickering. It reminded him of how they all thought of this whole situation as a joke.

Oikawa closed the chat with gritted teeth, now frustrated. He couldn’t really speak up about this, could he?! When the rumor of the forced kiss had reached Seijoh, the other boys had only laughed. Oikawa knew that the laughter had been directed at Ushijima’s silliness and clumsiness, but in the moment, it had felt like they had been laughing at him for not being able to defend himself as a man. Would people have taken this more seriously if Oikawa had been a girl? When he thought of it, he immediately could see his team jumping in to protect a girl from being harassed like that.

It frustrated him. It frustrated him that his team kept laughing at the situation when Oikawa was getting more and more uncomfortable each time Ushijima appeared. It frustrated him that he wasn’t able to shake Ushijima off, no matter what he said. It frustrated him that he even reacted like this, that he grew anxious and worried. He rolled over again, facing the wall now, staring at it with blank eyes.

Today when he had gotten home there had been nothing unordinary going on. But yesterday, when he had come home from a run, he had found the cookies a fangirl had made him in the trash. Oikawa was sure he had saved them, as he had been waiting to eat them later. The cookies had been poured out into the trashcan and had therefore been made inedible. Last week Oikawa had noticed the plants in the living room had moved from the window closer to the kitchen, placed more in shade. That was a good thing, the leaves had gotten small dark spots from the harsh sun, even if it was autumn. Oikawa had thought that the plants had needed sunlight and had moved them from their usual spot to the window only to later discover them moved back to their original spot.

Now, Oikawa was aware he might have done these things himself. He might have done them while lost in his own thoughts, humming on a random melody and not even aware of his own actions. Maybe he had thrown the cookies out in an attempt to eat healthy before his games? Maybe he had noticed the dark spots on the leaves of the plants and moved them? Maybe he had left his slippers by the door? Maybe he had washed that laundry back then?

But something, deep inside him, told him he hadn’t done any of those things. Something even deeper inside him was insisting that all of this had some kind of perverse connection to Ushijima. Before the confession nothing like this had been taking place, even when Oikawa had been living on his own. Now these strange things kept happening and with smaller and smaller intervals too. The more Ushijima appeared, the firmer his actions were, the more things wandered around in the Oikawa household.

The tall teen’s body shivered and felt cold, so he curled up on himself, wrapping the blanket tighter around himself. He bit his lip, feeling the weird anxiety expanding and growing inside of him. Suddenly the leaves scratching against his windowpane sounded like fingernails warning they’d break in. The pale moonlight was a faint flashlight that inspected him. The pressure against his lips got stronger and stronger and stronger… He took a deep breath. It was shaky and weird, rasping oddly in his throat.

He quickly rolled over again, staring at the windowpane, staring through it. The shadows casted by the tree looked bizarre and unusually dense. The shaky breaths kept scratching in his throat, feeling strange and unfamiliar and uncontrollable. He sat up swiftly, his body unfittingly tense for sleep.

The silhouette looked like a man. Two eyes were staring at him in the dark. His body froze, his breathing stopped and he felt a ghostlike shiver go through his entire body.

The next second the silhouette was back to being a tree. The pale moonlight pierced through the thin leaves just like it should, the previous density gone and forgotten. The moon was a moon, nothing more, nothing less. Steady, deep breaths came naturally, the tensed shoulders relaxing gradually. Oddly enough, his body remained cold.

Oikawa had enough. He was obviously overreacting and seeing feverish half-dreams. Whatever he had imagined, whether it had been Ushijima breaking in or watching him sleep, it was absolutely ludicrous and exaggerated. They were normal high school boys. This was no overly dramatic TV show with stalkers and murderers and kidnappers. This was real life, with real people. He was demonizing Ushijima who, sure, was one hell of a weirdo, but also just an innocent boy with extremely awkward actions.

Rubbing his eyes and forehead, he lay back down and swallowed hard. His mouth felt a bit dry, but his sluggish body prevented him from getting up to get water. By now he was so tired that his eyelids felt heavy, so he gave in to the feeling and closed them. Sleep found him slowly and brought him nothing but a contextless darkness that completely lacked dreams. In the morning when he would wake up, he would find his bag organized and ready for the day. He had left it empty and unpacked before going to bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> I managed to get this written before Christmas! Happy holidays to everyone celebrating :) Also good vibes to those who don't!
> 
> Hopefully you like this chapter! Thank you for the kudos and comments and bookmarks! Please don't hesitate to share your thoughts :)
> 
> WARNING: sexual harassment in this chapter.
> 
> Enjoy!

It had been a fair game in every possible way. Nothing even close to cheating or poor sportsmanship had been going on during any point of the match. It had been a long, tough battle that had been incredibly nerve-wrecking for players and audience alike. The strong will to win and go to nationals had driven both teams to give it their all. Even the last seconds of the game, when everyone surely had felt tired and heavy from the physical exertion, had no one even hinted at backing down.

But only one team won.

And it hadn’t been Seijoh.

Bitterness filled Oikawa’s mouth and he kept swallowing over and over again. He kept up his calm, charming façade, refusing to show his disappointment in front of anyone. He didn’t want people to see his true self, his weaknesses, his insecurity, his self-doubt – his ugliness. He was a people-pleaser through and through. The ugliness was only expressed in the privacy of his own company. Sometimes Iwaizumi’s too, if he happened to be there.

Karasuno had ultimately been the stronger team. There was no denying it. Oikawa couldn’t lie to himself and pretend that their victory had been due to luck. What had pushed Karasuno to victory had been the undeniable combination of determination, hard work and talent. Talent Oikawa didn’t possess. Talent Oikawa had worked and worked for but hadn’t been granted. Talent Oikawa felt he completely lacked.

He took care of his duties as the captain of the team graciously, his body numb and his mind empty. He made sure his teammates didn’t beat themselves up for the loss, comforting them in his own way. The worries of last night, of Ushijima being outside his window, were completely forgotten right now. It felt trivial. Seijoh had lost and Oikawa’s dream, despite the thousands of hours of work he had put into it, had been crushed.

How would he pick himself up from this and move onwards? Would anyone respect him anymore? No, would he respect himself anymore? He had worked so hard and been so confident. He had felt ready for it all. He had been proud of his team and their plays. And now all his pride, all his determination, all his hard work was streaming down a dark drain.

His mind felt foggy and strange when he announced he’d go gather the rest of the team for the bus. He barely registered Ushijima in front of him, but when he did, he felt his head start to ache immediately. No, not now. He didn’t want to deal with this right now. He just wanted to treat his team members to ramen like he had been made to promise and then be done with this all. He barely had energy to fake a smile and now Ushijima was before him.

It was a strange conversation that Oikawa didn’t know what he was supposed to get out of. Ushijima was hinting at Oikawa being too stubborn and foolish about his decisions again. So, he had chosen the wrong path? Bullshit. He felt ridiculed and underestimated at the same time, which were emotions he didn’t feel he wanted in his current state of frustration. At least Ushijima wasn’t harassing him. Despite this, Oikawa clenched his jaw and gave the tall boy a cold smile.

“Worthless pride, huh? That’s true…” Oikawa paused, his long eyelashes glistening in the light. “Listen up, Ushijima. I never thought my decision was wrong, and my volleyball hasn’t ended at all. Don’t you ever forget my worthless pride”, he warned him with an intense stare.

Ushijima remained expressionless and Oikawa let out a soft, unnoticeable breath. “Oh yeah, if you keep all your attention on me, you’re going to get stabbed from the direction you least expect”, he added.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” finally, Ushijima said something.

“My junior… isn’t smart and isn’t even close to my level yet…”, Oikawa thought back at the game and at how Kageyama had started to find himself as a setter. “But now that he’s not by himself, he’s strong. When crows flock, they might even kill a huge, white eagle”, he had turned his back to Ushijima now. He found himself almost rooting for Karasuno. Anything to crush Ushijima’s ridiculous confidence, right?

Ushijima said nothing in reply and so Oikawa walked away, somehow feeling slightly victorious at the remarks he had come up with in the spur of the moment. Despite his state of mind, he had been able to clear his head enough to outsmart Ushijima. He almost smiled to himself, the previous heaviness in his body subsiding ever so slightly.

His smile disappeared when he felt two arms around his waist, pulling him back. He grabbed the arms, pushing them away, or at least trying to, but was quickly shoved against a wall. His heartbeat was going insane now, his body alerting him that this was dangerous. His shoulders and the back of his head hurt at the harsh shove, but he didn’t have time to think about that for long. Instead, he glared at Ushijima who had him pinned, his scowl turning into a mean smirk seconds later.

“Did I provoke you, huh?” Oikawa taunted him, acting tough. On the inside he was panicking as Ushijima’s determined gaze was racing over his body in that weird way again. Was Ushijima provoked or was he going to attempt to kiss Oikawa again? Ushijima was going to back down if Oikawa said no, right?  
  
“Yes”, Ushijima never lied and so his reply came with full honesty. His large body was now fully pressed against Oikawa’s, trapping the setter against the wall. His calculative eyes looked over Oikawa’s neck, lingering on his lips for a moment before finally looking him in the eyes. “You are very beautiful.”

“Let me go”, the compliment had made Oikawa realize what this was about and he was having none of it today. He was not going to let Ushijima do this to him. He was tired, disappointed and scared. He shoved at the large spiker but Ushijima didn’t even falter. Instead of backing away he got closer, pressing his lips against Oikawa’s again. Oikawa’s body felt heavy from the physical exertion it had been through. His muscles were full of lactic acid, making his limbs sluggish and hard to move.

Despite this, Oikawa struggled and squirmed, trying to turn his head away from the unwanted kiss. Ushijima’s lips only followed, pressing against Oikawa relentlessly. Soft breaths escaped Ushijima’s nose as the taller teen forcefully deepened the kiss and pressed their bodies even closer. He was enjoying this, the setter could tell that. Oikawa felt his head spinning in panic, pressing his hands against Ushijima’s chest in an attempt to shove him away. Oikawa’s usual strength was gone and he didn’t even manage to get Ushijima to move an inch.

In a swift motion his hands had been removed from Ushijima’s chest and pinned above his head. Ushijima’s other hand was on his hip, pressing Oikawa hard against the wall. Pulling away from the clumsy and forcible kiss, Ushijima leaned down to breathe against the milky skin of Oikawa’s neck. The tall setter squirmed in resistance, trying to find an escape from the situation.

“Ushiwaka, get off of me!” Oikawa hissed quietly. They were the only ones in the corridor at the moment, and there was no way in hell Oikawa would let anyone see him being humiliated like this. He was going to get rid of this creep on his own, without the help of anyone else. But he wasn’t sure of how to fix this situation, especially with his body so exhausted and shaky.

“Don’t be embarrassed Oikawa, let me show you how much I like you”, Ushijima replied softly before now pressing his lips against Oikawa’s neck. Oikawa panted in fear. Ushijima would back down, right? He had to. Of course, he would. Oikawa just had to be clearer about it all… Though, how much clearer could he even get?

X

“Where is Oikawa?” Irihata asked the boys outside the locker rooms. All of them were now gathered, except for the team captain who had wandered off to make sure the buses were arriving. He should have been back by now though.

“Iwaizumi, do you know where he went this time?” Mizoguchi sounded like he almost was scolding Oikawa behind his back. The team was used to the pretty captain running off to bathe in the attention of his fans. Oikawa could be just that egocentric at times.

Iwaizumi shrugged dismissively in reply, seeming like he didn’t care. In reality, he did care and was a bit worried even. He knew Oikawa would be crushed over the game and couldn’t help but to be concerned of the reaction the pretty setter would have. For Oikawa loss most often didn’t mean giving up or stopping. No, it meant working even harder and even more. Iwaizumi didn’t want to find his best friend in the gym at midnight again, half-asleep and dizzy.

Irihata let out a soft breath in frustration and looked back at the closed door of the locker room. He rubbed his chin for a while, seeming to hesitate, but then just started walking towards the exit of the building, figuring they’d find their captain on the way to the buses. The team followed their head coach, some exchanging short glances with each other, obviously perplexed over Oikawa suddenly missing.

“Hah, I betcha he’s just trying to run away from buying us all ramen”, Hanamaki mumbled to Matsukawa with a playful grin. His eyes were slightly red from crying; they all had shed a few tears after the game. But Hanamaki was feeling better already, just wanting his food now.

“Oh right, that would be such an Oikawa-thing to do”, Matsukawa agreed with his friend. He stopped walking as he heard Oikawa’s voice from around the corner of the hallway, looking towards the sounds. “Ah, I think I hear him.”

Mizoguchi’s facial expression twisted in clear annoyance, the assumption of Oikawa flirting with his fan club evident on his face. He glanced at Irihata once before taking sharp steps towards the voice of their captain. The rest of Seijoh followed curiously. The younger students were especially curious and impressed with Oikawa’s people skills and his fans. Kindaichi always expressed how much he wished he had the same kind of popularity like Oikawa did.

The sight that greeted them around the corner was not particularly pleasant though. Oikawa was trapped against the wall, trying to kick at Ushijima who was touching and kissing him forcefully. Iwaizumi stared in shock, the overwhelming anger firing up inside of him again. He couldn’t believe Ushijima was doing that to Oikawa. He couldn’t believe Ushijima wasn’t backing down after all these attempts. He was about to rush up to them but Mizoguchi was faster, the younger coach forcefully tearing Ushijima away. Ushijima finally stumbled away from the pretty setter, Oikawa immediately slipping out of his rough grip.

“Hey! What are you doing?!” Mizoguchi’s voice was loud and filled with anger. Oikawa stared at the team in shame, his face bright red as he fixed the collar of his volleyball jacket awkwardly. “He has told you no!”

“I was just kissing my boyfriend”, Ushijima replied earnestly, frowning at the adult male blocking him from reaching Oikawa again. The setter himself looked at the floor, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously while walking up to Seijoh.

“Haha, I guess he trapped me”, Oikawa tried to joke about it, but his shaky voice and tense body gave him away. This was just what he hadn’t wanted. He hadn’t wanted anyone to see that. He hadn’t wanted anyone to make a big deal out of it. He hadn’t wanted to show his weakness and fear to his teammates. Iwaizumi moved up to Oikawa immediately, a concerned frown on his usually stern face.

“Hey, are you okay?” Matsukawa couldn’t help but to notice how uncomfortable his captain was. This was the first time anyone else besides Iwaizumi could tell that Oikawa actually was scared of Ushijima and Matsukawa couldn’t help but to wonder if Oikawa had been scared before today, during any of the other encounters.

“What? Yes of course, of course”, Oikawa tried to laugh again, but was still rubbing his neck. His rubbing was a bit rough, leaving his almost white skin red at the repeated action.

“Captain, where is your bag?” Kindaichi asked, the younger player visibly worried for his idol. He wanted to help Oikawa in whatever way he could, but admittedly, this situation was absurd and awkward for all of them. They had just walked in on their captain being sexually harassed and Oikawa was trying to act as if it never had happened.

“Uh, crap, I forgot it somewhere…” Oikawa trailed off, looking back at where Ushijima was standing, staring at them. The bag was by Ushijima’s feet. Mizoguchi must have realized it because he snatched the bag and brought it over after having tried to talk some sense into Shiratorizawa’s wing spiker. “Thanks”, he told the coach awkwardly after receiving his bag.

“Is he still bothering you Oikawa? It has been weeks now”, Mizoguchi stated. He looked at the teenager in worry. Did Oikawa not understand that this was starting to become an issue? Though, giving Ushijima a short glance, Mizoguchi remembered that he also was just a teenager. Maybe this really wasn’t that much of an issue. Oikawa could be a flirt and maybe was confusing Ushijima with his occasional flirty comments. Not that anyone ever had heard Oikawa be flirty with Ushijima… Ushijima stared for a while before moving to walk towards the locker rooms, presumably to find his own team.

“He’s not bothering me”, Oikawa tried to reassure everyone, keeping his voice clear and calm. His body was still uncharacteristically tense though.

“We could always call Shiratorizawa’s head coach and talk about this situation”, Irihata suggested. Seijho’s volleyball team stood there in an awkward group, the atmosphere thick. The boys seemed to be unsure of whether to look at Oikawa or look away, whether to express worry or to ignore the situation. Nothing like this had ever happened before and none of them knew how to react.

“No, no”, Oikawa forced yet another chuckle, his fake smile unable to hide how forced it was. The pathetic smile was so strained that it almost annoyed Iwaizumi that Oikawa imagined anyone would fall for it. Unfortunately, Oikawa was a master at lying and his ridiculous smile seemed to fool the rest. “He is a freak, but I can handle him”, he waved his hand dismissively.

“Alright, well, the bus should be outside”, Irihata ended the painfully awkward conversation by simply changing the subject. He glanced at the captain once more and then continued walking. Mizoguchi followed in quick strides, lowering his voice and mumbling to the older coach. Iwaizumi could discern words like ‘it’s not normal’ and ‘harassment’. A part of him felt like the coaches were over-exaggerating, but another part, a side of him that was louder and more dominant, agreed with the words he heard. Ushijima’s behavior was nothing but invasive and off-putting.

“So, what kinda ramen didya guys want?” Oikawa was still keeping up his nonchalant smile, his hands having settled from rubbing his neck to holding his bag in what could be perceived as a calm and firm manner. Iwaizumi knew better, noting Oikawa’s grip being firm in worry.

“Oh boy, Oikawa, you’re gonna be broke”, Hanamaki joked, falling for his captain’s plastic smile and forced confidence. The boys seemed to believe it all was alright, that Oikawa simply wouldn’t be bothered by something like harassment. That Oikawa was strong. It was the illusion Iwaizumi knew Oikawa had spent a lot of time to build of himself.

“Me? Iwa-chan will lend me money, right?” Oikawa said in a bratty voice, pouting in his cute way. The pout was an expression he had practiced for years to get away from trouble with adults. And even if he knew it was just an act, Iwaizumi found himself falling for the big, hazelnut eyes and the pouty, pink lips.

“You’re such a shitty guy”, Iwaizumi bit back.

“See? He didn’t decline!” Oikawa grinned, the tensed shoulders relaxing with each second of banter, which Iwaizumi found himself being happy for. “Thanks for the food, Iwa-chan.”

“Seriously, you’re such a shitty guy”, Iwaizumi just repeated his words, but he couldn’t hold back the small smile that was creeping up on his face. Oikawa had a special skill for cheering people up, even himself, it seemed. 

X

It was dark when they walked home together, each step feeling like a step further and further away from their high school days filled with volleyball. It wasn’t like high school was over yet, but their graduation was closer each day. Moreover, the loss of the day did entail that they wouldn’t be playing any official games together on the same team anymore.

A slight breeze passed by on the street that was mostly quiet. In fact, at the moment, the only thing that the duo properly could discern was the sound of their own footsteps. Each step sounded hesitant and awkward. The loss of the day, the stalkerish situation with Ushijima, unresolved feelings that led to confusion. An echo of all those things resonated in every step.

“You probably won’t become truly happy until you’re a geezer”, Iwaizumi stated after what felt like an eternity of silence. The two of them had been quiet ever since leaving the gymnasium together, where the third years had played volleyball together one last time. Or what had felt like one last time, at least.

“The hell?! What kind of curse is that?!” Oikawa asked, his hands buried in the pockets of his jacket in an attempt to warm them. He was annoyed as hell over their loss and still feeling occasional waves of shame when remembering Seijoh’s reaction to Ushijima cornering him. These past few weeks of his life must have been cursed for real or something.

“No matter what kind of tournaments you’ll win, you’ll never be completely satisfied. You’ll be that annoying guy who chases volleyball forever”, Iwaizumi stated. Ironically enough, as Oikawa had been thinking about curses, Iwaizumi felt that being a perfectionist was Oikawa’s true curse. Oikawa’s obsession with being the absolute best, his obsession to be liked by every person he met, his obsession with being perfect.

“You always have to throw in an insult, don’t you?” Oikawa said and his voice sounded less playful than normally. It was tired and annoyed.

“But keep going without a second thought”, the spiker continued and stopped walking. The awkward sound of their footsteps ceased in that second, the two best friends staring at each other seriously. The pale moonlight made the situation more dramatic than usually and yet another breeze seemed to be passing them.

“I couldn’t be prouder to have you as a partner, and you’re the absolute best setter!” Iwaizumi wanted to say more but still lacked the words. He lacked the words to express feelings he didn’t even fully understand yet. All he knew for now was that he appreciated Oikawa Tooru more than Oikawa Tooru ever would appreciate himself. “Even if we end up on different teams, those facts will never change. But I’ll still give you my all to defeat you.”

Oikawa stared at Iwaizumi with his red, swollen eyes. The color of his usually warm eyes looked uncharacteristically cold due to the blueish light of the moon and streetlights. But his face softened into a genuine smile, a smile only Iwaizumi was allowed to see. Selfishly, he claimed this smile as his own, as his treasure.

“Bring it on”, Oikawa said with a voice that for once displayed true confidence.

Iwaizumi hadn’t been sure what he had been reaching for, but he lifted his hand. Halfway up he decided to go for a fist bump and Oikawa caught the drift faster than anyone else would have. To anyone passing them, they were two high school boys being a bit overdramatic and silly about a volleyball game. But to these two, it was a special moment, dense with the atmosphere of unspoken words and messy emotions.

Their hands fell back to their sides the second later, Oikawa’s face still plastered with that genuine smile that made Iwaizumi’s stomach flutter. “Ugh, I have to do laundry tomorrow and I really don’t wanna”, Oikawa changed the subject as fast as his facial expression went from a smile to a pout.

“Your mom is still out of town?” Iwaizumi wasn’t surprised. He kind of had assumed it. But tonight, the thought of Oikawa going home to an empty house didn’t sit right with him. “Why don’t you come sleep at my place? My mom would love to make you breakfast.”

“Oh, tempting offer. Pancakes?” Oikawa asked, resuming to walk again. Oikawa, unaware of the awkward feelings Iwaizumi was harboring in his chest, hadn’t really known what to think of Iwaizumi’s words. In the past he would have mistaken them for something deeper, would have over-analyzed each word in the hope of them hinting at more than friendship. But in his current state, he felt content with just hearing them and taking them as nothing but comforting words from a good friend.

“Pancakes”, Iwaizumi nodded, for once not scolding Oikawa for his childish behavior. Iwaizumi himself was satisfied with what he had said, not knowing what else to even say. He felt content with them just being together like this. He just wanted Oikawa to stay with him and away from Ushijima.

“Alright, I can’t turn down that offer”, Oikawa held up his hands in defeat. Mrs. Iwaizumi had a tradition of making the boys pancakes the day after a game. Oikawa would always forcefully invite himself over. This year Iwaizumi would have insisted for him to come if he would have declined.

“Good”, Iwaizumi nodded, a small smile on his lips again. And again, it was thanks to Oikawa.

X

The clock on Iwaizumi’s wall was clicking softly. It was almost pitch-black outside; the moon had now been blocked by some dark clouds. It was always a bit cold in the Iwaizumi household, so the boys had brought a heater into the spiker’s room, a soft orange light illuminating the space between them.

Oikawa had laid out a futon on the floor next to Iwaizumi’s bed to sleep on. They had done this ever since they were kids, though sometimes, when still brats, Iwaizumi had joined Oikawa on the floor. They would hide beneath the blankets and play games until late, pretending to be sleeping whenever Mrs. Iwaizumi would barge in to scold them for giggling too loudly. Now they slept separately, both teenagers uncharacteristically awkward with each other. It was probably due to everything that had happened that day, with the tough game and Ushijima.

They had said good night to each other earlier, but their soft breaths indicated neither were asleep yet. Oikawa had been faking happy jokes and stories during dinner, acting as if the loss of the game hadn’t bothered him the slightest. His plastic smile had dropped the second he had stepped into Iwaizumi’s room, however, and the pretty setter had gone weirdly quiet. Iwaizumi hadn’t questioned it – he was feeling down himself as well.

Iwaizumi couldn’t shake the view of Oikawa pressed against that wall, couldn’t forget the shaken expression he had displayed, his tense and trembling body. Oikawa was amazing at lying, but Iwaizumi could see past each lie he uttered. So he had been able to see past the faked self-confidence and the assuring smiles. He had noticed how Oikawa had paused by the mirror in the bathroom before going to bed, slowly rubbing his neck with a frown. He had seen him wash his mouth three times instead of once.

“Hey, you awake?” Iwaizumi broke the silence, watching his friend’s back on the floor. Oikawa always slept on his stomach with his hands safely tuckered beneath his chest. He reminded Iwaizumi of some kind of awkward seal when like that, the strange position not matching the prince-like image Oikawa displayed publicly.

The setter on the floor had his face turned away from the other teenager and remained completely still for a while. The moment lasted long enough for Iwaizumi to wonder if Oikawa really had fallen asleep already. His train of thoughts was interrupted when the pretty boy on the floor turned his head to face his best friend in the darkness.

“Boo, Iwa-chan is waking me up from my beauty sleep”, Oikawa pouted childishly, his large eyes glistening warmly in the light of the heater. Iwaizumi swore it looked like his eyes were sparkling in the orange light.

“Shut it”, Iwaizumi said playfully, leaning his head against his bulky arm to take a better look at Oikawa. He searched for the right words, unsure of how to talk about the subject. “About earlier…” he just paused after those two words, making the brunet on the floor blink curiously, his long eyelashes fluttering at the action.

“Earlier? The game? Sorry, I wasn’t able to receive that last spike”, Oikawa’s voice sounded irritated, the teen clenching his jaw in frustration. He couldn’t shake the moment out of his head. If he just had reacted one second faster, maybe Seijoh could have… “Argh, I should just have been faster...!”

“No, not about the game”, the spiker cut his friend off before he could start spiraling into his usual spiral of self-hate and self-blame. Shifting his weight on the bed a bit, Iwaizumi’s mind scrambled for the right words. “Ushijima. About that”, was all he managed to say. His eyes leapt to look Oikawa in the eyes, searching for something.

Oikawa immediately lowered his gaze and his shoulders tensed ever so slightly. An intense wave of shame washed over his body, his face turning red when remembering how Mizoguchi had been forced to come save him. “Oh”, his voice was quiet and small for once, and for whatever reason it made Iwaizumi’s chest swell with affection and need to protect. “What about it?”

“Well…” he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly before settling into another position, but his gaze remained on Oikawa. “Are you okay?”

“Of course I am”, it pissed Iwaizumi off that Oikawa thought he’d believe that obvious lie. But he could see how ashamed his best friend was and considered backing off. In an instant, the memory of Ushijima trapping Oikawa against the wall flashed in Iwaizumi’s eyes and he decided to snort.

“Liar”, he said. “You do know I’m an official Oikawa-lie-detector, right?”

“Ugh, Iwa-chan, why do you wanna talk about it?” Oikawa’s voice was slightly whiney, but he was still stubbornly avoiding eye contact with his friend on the bed. He was squirming a bit now. Oikawa had honestly been thinking about it too before Iwaizumi had spoken up. The scene just wouldn’t leave his mind, the wet feeling of Ushijima kissing his neck stubborn and invasive and constant. He hated it. He hated that this was scaring him so much. And he couldn’t help but to wonder how far Ushijima would go if no one would be there to stop him.

“Because… He went way too far”, Iwaizumi said, finally finding the right words to express his thoughts about the whole thing. “He went too far already when he showed up the second time to ask you out. But now it’s been… So many times and he’s just not backing down.”

“I don’t know, I mean, I suppose he’s just…” Oikawa didn’t know what he was trying to say, because in truth, he did agree with everything Iwaizumi was saying. Ushijima had gone too far many times now. Neither of them had just wanted to accept it and had ignored it. But after today, it was hard to pretend like his behavior was acceptable in any way. And yet, Oikawa found himself wanting to downplay the incident. He wanted to forget it all and just move on. “I don’t think he understands what he’s doing, honestly.”

“Maybe not”, Iwaizumi had to agree on that. They could both tell that Ushijima didn’t have the same social skills as others their age. But surely, he must have understood by now. He should have understood by now. Oikawa was not interested. “But I still think you should consider what our coaches said, about contacting Shiratorizawa.”

“No way”, Oikawa huffed. “I don’t wanna do that. Why do we even have to talk about him? What happened today was just a mistake, a one-time-thing”, he was trying to convince himself of this just as much as he was trying to convince Iwaizumi. Oikawa was humiliated by the entire incident and just wanted everyone, including himself, to move on from it.

“…Right”, Iwaizumi spoke softly. Oikawa could be extremely stubborn when it came to certain things, and the spiker knew better than anyone that it was close to impossible to turn Oikawa’s mind around once it had settled. “Yeah, whatever, let’s forget about it.”

“Finally, thanks”, Oikawa pouted at Iwaizumi, his gaze slowly moving to meet his friend’s instead of being constantly lowered. He blinked slowly at the spiker before smiling. “I’m grateful for all these years of volleyball together”, he said, oddly serious and vulnerable. This soft side of him, the side that was genuine and fragile, was only shown to Iwaizumi, and it made the sturdy spiker feel special.

“You better be, I was babysitting you the entire time, every single day”, Iwaizumi teased. A part of him wanted to ask more about Ushijima, ask about how Oikawa felt about the game. But noting how the tension in Oikawa’s body had eased at the new topic made him hesitant to bring it up again. He preferred seeing his friend relaxed and content than uncomfortable and worried.

“You are so mean Iwa-chan!” Oikawa whined a little loudly. “I was trying to be nice and you just had to insult me, didn’t you?”

“Shush, you’re being loud, mom is gonna wake up”, Iwaizumi scolded his friend. He was right, as just a minute later Mrs. Iwaizumi knocked on the door. The walls were paper-thin and only soft murmurs and whispers would be quiet enough to go by unheard.

“Boys, it’s past midnight!” she called from the other side of the door. Ever since they had become teenagers she wouldn’t barge in, letting the two have their privacy. But she would still scold them as if they were seven-year-olds playing video games past bedtime. “I have work in the morning!”

“Sorry auntie!” Oikawa’s voice turned soft and cute and well, to put it bluntly, fake. His lips curled into a small smirk as he was well aware that Mrs. Iwaizumi wouldn’t stay mad at him when he spoke in his pouty voice.

“It’s okay Tooru-chan, just go to sleep now”, he was right, of course, as the voice of the middle-aged woman softened immediately. Her footsteps left the door and a moment later the two teens could hear the door to Iwaizumi’s parents’ bedroom shut gently.

“You’re so crappy, I can’t believe people fall for that”, Iwaizumi had lowered his voice to a whisper. He meant the pouty voice, that, yes, was undeniably cute, but also undeniably fake.

“What do you mean?” Oikawa was quiet too, but kept up with his pouty voice, making a cute face and innocently blinking up at his friend on the bed. The expression in combination with his strange sleeping position was almost enough for even Iwaizumi to find Oikawa adorable instead of plastic.

“That expression annoys me so stop it”, Iwaizumi murmured, but a small smile on his lips gave him away. It didn’t annoy him. Instead, it was making him feel happy and warm inside and he didn’t understand what that was about. Perhaps he was just being a bit sentimental with the loss of the game and their graduation creeping up on them… Before they knew it, sleepovers like these would be over. God, Iwaizumi would secretly miss this.

“Mean”, Oikawa huffed quietly. He took a deep breath before burying his face into the pillow on the futon. “Okay, I wanna sleep now. The sooner I sleep, the sooner I get auntie’s pancakes”, he murmured against the fabric.

“Greedy”, was all Iwaizumi said before he turned around to face the wall instead of the pretty setter on the futon. There was a moment of silence, Iwaizumi listening to Oikawa’s soft breaths, waiting for him to fall asleep. Sometime while waiting for Oikawa’s breaths to indicate sleep, Iwaizumi himself fell asleep.

Oikawa, on the other hand, had a harder time sleeping. He was exhausted but whenever he was about to drift off to sleep, he felt himself pressed against the futon or a wall. A strong feeling of invasiveness and shame kept washing over him, alternatively making him want to curl into a firm ball, alternatively making him want to punch Ushijima right in the face. It had been a very bad day, in fact, Oikawa couldn’t recall many other days that had been this crappy.

In the orange light of the heater, he glanced up at Iwaizumi’s strong back on the bed. Here, with his childhood best friend, Oikawa felt safe. This contrasted to the feeling of uneasiness he had slowly grown to have in his own home. He felt grateful that he had been invited over because he truly wouldn’t have liked going back home alone tonight. Especially not with the strange feeling of constantly being watched lingering around in every corner of his home.

Iwaizumi’s words echoed in Oikawa’s brain. Contacting Shiratorizawa’s coach? That might have been the wisest thing to do, honestly. And a part of the pretty boy was even considering it. For some reason, however, the idea of actually taking action felt absurd and overdramatic. He was still certain that this would pass. Maybe Ushijima would just give up after the tournament? The two of them would not be seeing each other anywhere anymore, after all.

Oikawa slowly turned around and curled up into a ball like he had felt an urge to do for a while now. The warm blanket around him in combination with the heater next to him brought him an inexplainable comfort. He let out a soft sigh, listening to the sound of Iwaizumi’s clock ticking and to his soft snores. These were sounds Oikawa had grown up with, that were so familiar to him that they sounded like home. Would these be sounds he’d get to hear for the rest of his life or would Iwaizumi at some point throw his clock away? Would they at some point just never have sleepovers again?

The idea of drifting away from Iwaizumi felt horrible, but also inevitable. Surely, sooner or later, Iwaizumi would find himself a girlfriend, propose and get married. Oikawa was sure it would go like that, and that once his friend found a girl he wanted to settle with, it wouldn’t be more than two years before they’d be married. Iwaizumi was the type of guy who would want have kids too, wasn’t he? So, Oikawa would get to be uncle Tooru again, a role he had grown to accept and love, even if he was still a teenager.

Despite the fact that he loved his role as an uncle, his chest felt oddly cold and uneasy at the mental image of Iwaizumi having a family of his own. For whatever reason, Oikawa pictured himself single in that scenario. Why? He licked his lips as he rubbed his cheek against the pillow gently, comforting himself. Admitting it was hard and painful, but it seemed like Oikawa wasn’t as comfortable with the idea of Iwaizumi being with someone else as he had thought.

Quietly, while trying to ignore the creepy feeling of Ushijima on him, Oikawa wondered if Iwaizumi ever felt the same way. Was he also possessive of Oikawa? Or would he just be happy at the idea of Oikawa settling down with someone? With these thoughts filling his mind, he slowly fell asleep, unaware of the feelings growing inside of Iwaizumi.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!!  
> sorry for taking so long to update, I have been very busy with school!
> 
> in this chapter, things are about to go down :D it's gonna be a bit dramatic haha
> 
> thank you for commenting and for your patience!  
> enjoy!

Excited cheers and surprised gasps filled the auditorium that day. A larger audience than usually was present, the otherwise vacant seats suddenly full of overly eager students and locals with time on their hands. The air was heavy with trepidation and sheer excitement, making it hard for the spectators to breathe properly.

Spotting him among the crowd had proven to be an easy task. Unlike the eager spectators that stood up and tensed their backs in anticipation, Oikawa was hunched over and curled into a protective ball. A strange, protective posture that presumably was meant to protect him from both the feeling of loss and the feeling of fear. The setter usually wore contacts but had probably not felt a need to wear them today as he wouldn’t be playing volleyball, and so he had opted for his glasses instead. Iwaizumi liked it when Oikawa wore glasses, it meant he didn’t care for people judging his looks.

“Oh, you’re here too”, was all Iwaizumi said as he climbed over the spectator seats and slumped down next to his friend. He left an empty seat between them, presuming Oikawa wanted space. Even if he had been cheerful during their pancake breakfast that morning, Iwaizumi had noticed him tense the second he had stepped out of the front door to walk to his own home. The events of yesterday were surely lingering in his mind, or his body, at the very least. “You said you weren’t going to come because it’d piss you off no matter who won.”

That was true, after breakfast Iwaizumi had asked Oikawa if he’d go see the finals. Oikawa had arrogantly replied he didn’t care and was going to go home to study. Unfortunately for Oikawa, Iwaizumi knew his best friend through and through. He had known Oikawa wouldn’t be able to resist the curiosity of seeing this match. Admittedly, Iwaizumi himself hadn’t been able to resist that very same curiosity. 

Oikawa corrected his odd pose in a matter of seconds and his previously scowling face turned into a mean grin. “No matter which wins, I’m gonna be able to see the other team’s faces when they lose.”

“You really are a piece of crap”, Iwaizumi stated. A moment of silence occurred, both teenagers following the final set of the game between Karasuno and Shiratorizawa.

“They can’t afford to keep playing this passively”, Oikawa leaned back a bit, eyes glued to the court before him. “What’s the deal with Mr. Four-eyes… In our first practice game, he just struck me as an intelligent player who was pretty tall but…” the sentence ended right there, his sharp eyes growing cold and jaw tensing. Iwaizumi followed the gaze and saw what Oikawa saw.

Ushijima looking up from the court and staring at them.

Neither said anything. A pressing, almost swollen sensation in Iwaizumi’s chest made his eyes continuously dart between the court and his best friend next to him. The tensed jaw was pressed into the high collar of his jacket now. The way he leaned against the seat even more than before gave Iwaizumi the impression that he tried to sink into it and disappear. Coldness was replaced with the heat of anger and Iwaizumi’s green eyes glared holes into Ushijima Wakatoshi. By then the ace player of Shiratorizawa was back into the game, lost in the inner worlds of volleyball.

The game went on and very few words were exchanged between the two. This was nothing out of the ordinary. Years of friendship had made them comfortable around each other even in pure silence. When there was nothing to say, nothing was said. However, this time around, there was much to say. What Iwaizumi wanted to say, he lacked the words to explain. And what Oikawa wanted to say, he lacked the courage to speak up about.

At Karasuno’s match point, Iwaizumi almost felt obliged to speak up, the exciting atmosphere getting to him. And judging from the way Oikawa’s position had relaxed and opened up, he was getting into it as well.

“Karasuno is truly omnivorous”, he commented, leaning over the empty seats in front of him slightly. “That’s the first time I’ve seen Four-eyes do a broad, even if it was a decoy.”  
  
“Our team can’t do away with our precise, calculated attacks. Shiratorizawa can’t vary too much on its style that focuses on individual strength. It’s how we’ve come to be regarded as the powerhouses we are today”, perceptive and calculative as always, Oikawa had the right words ready. He was always like that when it came to volleyball.

“However”, he continued, his hazelnut eyes following the players on the court closely, “Karasuno isn’t bound to a style of play that they need to uphold. Whereas when they were still considered a powerhouse, there may have been more pressure to do so. Not having that burden affords them the luxury of branching out and trying new things. Even that godlike quick attack of theirs got recycled into something new”, a brief pause and he drew in some breath, “Shiratorizawa is all that is true, tried and tested. Karasuno is all that is ingenious, nonsensical and reckless.”  
  
Iwaizumi looked at his best friend, almost speechless at the accurate description. Oikawa had that skill. He was perceptive, but not only that, he knew how to express what he saw into words. That was what made him such an excellent team player. That was what made him so excellent with people overall. A skill he never seemed to appreciate enough.

“No matter who wins, I’m gonna be pissed, so I hope both of them lose”, of course, he had to ruin the noble moment by saying something rude and childish.

“Such an asshole”, Iwaizumi breathed out angrily. Someday, probably eighty years from now, Oikawa would learn some decent manners. Iwaizumi would make sure of that, even if he had to be there to personally school him.

The squeaky noises of the gym shoes barely reached their seats, but due to their years of experiences on court, their ears almost provided them with the distant sounds. It was the same with the ball. However, the loud smacking sound of the spikes and receives was indeed much louder, and in a flurry Shiratorizawa had managed to take back their match point. As if to check if what he had seen earlier was right, the enormous Ushijima turned on his head and looked back up, two piercing eyes studying Oikawa.

“He’s a lot quieter than usual, Karasuno’s number ten”, Iwaizumi commented, feeling it was appropriate to distract Oikawa from how Ushijima stared. No matter how many smiles Oikawa flashed his way, Iwaizumi would always trust the tension in his shoulder more. It seemed the setter wasn’t aware that his shoulders would rise ever so slightly when he was uncomfortable.

“He’s in deep thought”, luckily the bait worked, and Oikawa’s eyes darted to the other side of the court. “When one is in the thick of a deuce in the final set of a match, walking on a knife’s edge… There’s no time to feel sorry for yourself, only time to think about what your next move will be. How disgusting.”  
  
The last comment felt out of place. Not because it would be unusual for Oikawa to call someone disgusting, but because of his tone. His voice had dripped with jealousy and Iwaizumi could almost see how the thoughts in his head were spiraling into that familiar self-hatred. His response was a snort that was quiet enough to go by unnoticed.

When Karasuno won, Oikawa was unsure whether to feel proud or angry. Neutral or destroyed. Frustrated or at peace. With conflicting emotions storming inside of him, his gaze landed on Ushijima without him particularly wanting it to.

“Damn you Ushiwaka, can’t you put a more frustrated sort of expression on that face of yours?” he muttered mostly to himself.

“Kageyama… Sure did some solid work”, Iwaizumi spoke without remembering or caring about Oikawa’s personal vendetta against the raven. Admittedly, the spiky-haired teen was purely impressed by the overwhelming talent of Kageyama Tobio.

“So, you noticed it too, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa managed to camouflage the jealous tint in his voice fairly well. “Once Four-eyes returned, he most likely gave the others some sort of instruction on their blocks. Something that would choke Ushiwaka’s strengths”, he guessed. “That’s why after his serve, Tobio immediately switched places with that little shrimpy who was at the cross. Because Nishinoya wasn’t around.”

“And he made a disgustingly good return toss straight away too, right after the switch”, Iwaizumi wasn’t as incisive as his childhood friend, so he had missed the finer details which Oikawa just had pointed out. “As expected of your disciple.”

“He is not my disciple!” Oikawa exclaimed, upset. “To top it off, he’s managed to adjust his tempo to match that little shrimpy who’s always changing things up out of the blue. It’s so obvious it pisses me off.”

“Well yeah, but let’s not forget that the solid work Kageyama did was built on the foundations of the block that Four-eyes pulled off”, still impressed by how Tsukishima had managed to block Ushijima, Iwaizumi had his gaze glued to Karasuno’s blondie.

“That being said, shrimpy is the kind of spiker that makes you want to try tossing to him… it just means Tobio is showing off with him”, Oikawa commented, standing up. He suddenly seemed eager to leave, probably remembering that there was a slim risk of running into Ushijima. Of being cornered against a wall like the day before. “Alright, alright, we’re going home now! I’d rather die than watch the ceremony!”  
  
“Seriously, you’re a crappy guy.”

X

“Oikawa”, they had been just about to leave the gymnasium when the deep voice behind them stopped them. “You came to see my game.”  
  
Oikawa could feel the hairs in his neck rise in disgust, the tall setter slowly turning around and stepping away from the glass door he had been about to push open. He saw Ushijima who now had put sweats over his jersey. A part of him considered just turning around again and leave like he had planned on doing, but a part of him wanted to confront Ushijima, wanted to tell him off. Iwaizumi stepped slightly in front of Oikawa, as if to show he was there to shield him.

“It wasn’t _your_ game, Ushiwaka-chan”, Oikawa’s voice had dropped an octave from the previous banter he and Iwaizumi had gone on about. “I came to see Karasuno.”  
  
“Guess you won’t be going to nationals this year”, Iwaizumi spat out, voice dripping with venom.

“I saw you looking at me”, Ushijima ignored Iwaizumi, walking up to the duo of childhood best friends. “You don’t have to be embarrassed, I think everyone knows you’re mine at this point.”

“Yours? _Yours?”_ Oikawa had to repeat the word to fully process what the ace player was saying. Surely, Ushijima hadn’t gone around and told people they were dating, had he? Furthermore, why did he even think they were? They had never been on a single date. Hell, they had never properly spent time together outside volleyball matches. “I’m _mine._ ”  
  
“Right, I forgot you are stubborn”, for whatever reason, Ushijima was smiling. The well-meaning smile only came off as creepy considering all other behavior the large teen had been displaying. It seemed as if the word ‘no’ didn’t exist in his vocabulary.

“Ushiwaka- I mean Ushijima”, Iwaizumi decided to throw the condescending nickname aside in hope of getting through. He was about to snap but years of Oikawa annoying him had made Iwaizumi’s patience nearly infinite at this point. Therefore, remaining cool and steady on the outside wasn’t impossible. “You have to back down. Oikawa is not yours and he doesn’t want to date you. You do understand that, don’t you?”

“Yes, please just leave me alone”, Oikawa tried to copy his friend’s calmness but still spoke through gritted teeth. The feeling of being trapped and harassed was back even if Ushijima was only standing there. Hands of yesterday trailed up and down his waist, invaded his personal space, causing him to tense and cross his arms protectively. He didn’t want to show his anxiety in front of Iwaizumi, as he had been insisting he was completely fine after it all.

“But I-“ the unfitting smile had been exchanged with a perplexed scowl and Ushijima seemed like he wanted to say something. He hesitated and looked past Oikawa, at the glass door behind him.

“Wakatoshi-kun!” just then the redhead of Shiratorizawa appeared from around the corner. Admittedly, neither of the Seijoh boys remembered his name, but knew he was a middle blocker. A skilled one at that. “You just wandered off without me!”

“I apologize Tendou. I came to see Oikawa.”

“Ah, hello”, Tendou said sheepishly, only now spotting the two. He didn’t have a personal vendetta against either of them. In fact, Tendou never had a personal problem with anyone. He knew what it was like to be rejected and cast out and did his best to avoid causing others the same feeling. “It seems we lost today.”

“So you did”, Iwaizumi wasn’t sure if he could trust the middle blocker or not. He was an enigma. And friends with Ushijima. “Well, then, we will be going home. Remember what I said, Ushijima”, he glared at the taller teen before grabbing Oikawa by the upper arm and pushing the glass door open.

“Ouch, ouch, Iwa-chan, your grip is too firm”, Oikawa’s whiney voice disappeared when the door flung shut after them, the setter stumbling after his friend.

With only the soft chatter of other high school students present, the atmosphere turned awkward. Surely enough, Tendou was rather used to his large, stoic friend being silent. But this time something told him his friend was upset. Furthermore, he wasn’t sure what to think of the strange crush on Oikawa Tooru. Logically it did make sense – they both were gay and into volleyball. But Ushijima and Oikawa weren’t a good match in any other sense. And they had never really interacted outside of volleyball either. Where did this strange fascination with Oikawa even come from?

“Do you still like Oikawa, Wakatoshi-kun? Are you sure he likes you too?” he was as gentle as he could, not wanting his dear friend to be hurt. Ushijima wasn’t the type to display his emotions and as far as Tendou was concerned, he was an extremely lonely guy. The thought of him going home to that large, silent house with his chest full of heartache only hurt Tendou.

“I love him”, Ushijima didn’t shy away from the strong word, looking at his friend seriously. “But he is difficult.”

Tendou remembered how Ushijima had approached him a few weeks ago, telling him he wanted to speak with him in private. Honestly, he hadn’t known what he had expected, but Ushijima asking for dating advice had definitely not been on the top of his mind. At the time, Tendou had almost felt hopeful, as Oikawa Tooru was sarcastic and two-faced. Perhaps he could have given Ushijima a chance? It wasn’t like there were millions of gay volleyball players out there after all.

But then Oikawa had in a rather cruel fashion turned him down at the practice game, and Ushijima had been confused. He hadn’t really spoken to Tendou about it after that. He had only said he wasn’t going to give up so easily.

“Perhaps”, in an attempt to offer his friend consolation, Tendou said something he probably shouldn’t have, “he’s trying to play hard to get.”  
  
“Play hard to get?” Ushijima arched his thick eyebrows ever so slightly, causing his often serious face to look nearly awkward.

“It’s when someone acts like they don’t want a relationship, but only do so to make the other person attracted to them. Like… makes them chase for it, you know?”

Of course, when Tendou said this, he wasn’t aware of the full picture. Wasn’t aware that Ushijima had gone seen Oikawa countless of times now. Wasn’t aware about yesterday. Wasn’t aware of the thoughts inside his friend’s head. He just wanted to comfort a dear friend. An innocent, well-meaning sentence.

“I believe I understand it now”, Ushijima murmured and Tendou smiled. Ushijima looked happier now.

x

Three days later Iwaizumi sat by the desk in his room and tried to study. Outside it was dark, the temperature dropping hour by hour. The heater by his legs was warm and nice at first, but now had made his feet sweaty to the point he was irritated. However, it was not only the heat by his feet that brought his concentration away from the science book before him.

No, it was also this idea he had gotten.

This idea of _him_ contacting Shiratorizawa’s head coach as Oikawa still kept refusing.

He had thought about it before, but now it felt more urgent than previously. After what had happened after Seijoh’s game, with Ushijima harassing Oikawa in such an outrageous way… And after the final, with Ushijima once again approaching Oikawa... What would have happened if Iwaizumi hadn’t been there? Would Ushijima have attempted to touch Oikawa again? Would he do so any time he caught the brunet alone?

Oikawa himself kept insisting he was alright and that there was nothing to worry about. And for the past three days, it seemed like he actually had been left alone. So perhaps contacting Shiratorizawa was unnecessary and ridiculous. Yet, Iwaizumi saw how his best friend scouted the area around the school gates anxiously before walking home, as if he was preparing himself for Ushijima appearing. It made Iwaizumi’s chest swell uncomfortably.

Speaking of peculiar chest swellings, Iwaizumi had been experiencing an unfamiliar warmth in his chest as of late. No, that was not right. The more he had thought about it, the more he had realized that the warmth had always been there. But for the past month, for whatever reason, it had been expanding at an alarming rate. He was fully aware that it was no medical condition. Rather, it was bound to his emotions. He was overall happier and more excited, even about the littlest things, like walking to school with Oikawa. Which made absolutely no sense, seeing that Oikawa running his mouth in the mornings was the most annoying thing in the world.

Iwaizumi didn’t know what was up. Didn’t understand why he started missing Oikawa the second he stepped out of the door. Didn’t understand why he had begun sending his friend text messages every night. Didn’t understand why the idea of Oikawa kissing another man upset him. He convinced himself that all of this was because of the situation with Ushijima – he missed Oikawa because he worried something would happen, he texted him to make sure he was home safe, and he didn’t like the idea of Oikawa kissing someone because he immediately remembered that horrible scene before him.

That was probably the core of it all – concern. Normal, regular concern for a good friend. Yup. That was it.

Just when Iwaizumi had come to the same conclusion that he had the past one thousand times of thinking about this, his phone buzzed next to the textbook on the desk. His first instinct was to ignore it. Final exams were coming up and he really had to study in order to be accepted into the university he wanted to apply to. His second instinct had been reminded of the fact that Oikawa still was home alone, his mother still out in the countryside.

“ _Okay. This is just creepy”,_ read a message from Oikawa, a photo attached to the message. Iwaizumi frowned and tapped at the screen to open it. He had expected a screenshot of a scary video or perhaps a photo of someone Oikawa thought would be funny to bully. Hell, he had even expected a photo of himself that Oikawa would have edited into ugly and off-putting.

What he hadn’t expected, was a hand-made card featuring cut-out photos of the setter himself.

Iwaizumi zoomed in on the photo, scowling deeply. There were photos all back from middle school, from newspaper articles, from his social media. His eyes scanned the image and landed on the Kanji in the upper left corner. Ushijima Wakatoshi.

_“Ushiwaka sending you love letters? How does he know where you live?”_ Iwaizumi sent back. The heat in his chest was back and his fingers nearly trembled of anger. Distracted by his own emotions, he forgot Oikawa was home alone, probably scared to death at receiving a card like that.

_“The hell do I know”,_ Oikawa typed back within seconds. He then kept typing and typing, Iwaizumi expecting a long reply. Either he got distracted or deleted his message, because all Iwaizumi received was a random laughing emoji.

_“It’s not funny”,_ Iwaizumi wrote. So now they knew two things that they hadn’t before: Ushijima had, in fact, not understood what Iwaizumi and Oikawa had told him and Ushijima knew where Oikawa lived. The latter of these two facts was the particularly worrisome one.

_“Kinda is though”,_ even if it was just a text message, Iwaizumi could almost hear the forced tone in Oikawa’s voice pretending he was alright. Pretending he wasn’t scared.

_“I’ll come over.”_

_“Don’t. We both should study.”_

_“You have locked the door?”_

_“Oh my god yes. Stop overexaggerating. It’s just a dumb crush. You’re such an idiot.”_

_“Okay, fuck you, I won’t care if he murders you. Just so you know.”_

_“Haha, right.”_

Iwaizumi didn’t write anything after that. Neither did Oikawa. They both lingered in the chat for a whole minute, either thinking of what to say or expecting the other to say something. Then Oikawa went offline.

The second he remembered his idea, Iwaizumi opened his laptop and typed in the right search words. A moment later he found the right phone number. Without hesitation or much afterthought of what time it was, he typed the number into his phone and dialed. Even if Shiratorizawa’s head coach was known as the demon coach, Iwaizumi wasn’t the slightest bit scared. Even if Oikawa would be incredibly pissed if he found out about this, Iwaizumi wasn’t worried. He knew he had to do something.

When the line was picked up, he spoke up with resolution.

“Hello. This is Iwaizumi Hajime. I would like to discuss Ushijima Wakatoshi with you, sir.”

“Iwaizumi Hajime”, Washijou replied on the other end of the line. “You play for Aoba Johsai, don’t you? Third year, wing spiker.”

“Correct”, Iwaizumi confirmed it. “I apologize for calling you at such a later hour, I just-“

“You had something to say about Ushijima”, Washijou had no problem interrupting him. Then again, Iwaizumi had no choice but to accept that. Washijou was an old, respected coach with a formidable reputation. No matter how you looked at it, Iwaizumi had to show him respect and dignity.

“Yes. I won’t sugarcoat my words, so I’ll get straight to it. His behavior against my teammate, Oikawa Tooru, has been anything but acceptable”, Iwaizumi tried explaining as calmly as he could. “Just now, he sent him a very questionable letter-“

“Oikawa Tooru, the setter?” Washijou once again interrupted him.

“Yes.”

“I’m familiar. He is an excellent player but relies too much on strategy. He could be better with some more strength”, Washijou continued.

“Perhaps”, Iwaizumi stuttered at repeatedly being interrupted. “Either way, Ushijima has been harassing him and causing him discomfort. Our coaches even had to interrupt on one occasion so you can take their word if you don’t trust mine-“

“If Oikawa feels uncomfortable, why isn’t he calling me himself?”

“Well, because-“

“Sounds to me like you’re trying to villainize our ace player, Iwaizumi. These”, Washijou seemed to look for the right word, “these utterly _absurd_ accusations of yours are ridiculous and exaggerated.”

“But-“

“No buts. I won’t sit here and listen to this slander. Good night.”

And with that, the phone call ended. No empathy, no understanding, no compromise. Only the cold, dismissive beeps of an ended phone call. Dejected, Iwaizumi closed his phone and put it on the desk with an empty expression. His heart was slowly starting to beat faster and faster.

What had he just done? Would the head coach contact Seijoh’s coaches now? He had sounded upset and hurt. And what then? Would Seijoh’s coaches scold Iwaizumi? Would they tell Oikawa? Fuck. Oikawa. He would be so angry. Would he forgive Iwaizumi? He had been saying he didn’t want to make a big deal out of this and now Iwaizumi had gone and done just that, behind his back.

With his heart pounding uncomfortably in his chest, he tried to refocus on the science textbook. It was even more impossible than before. The letters only scrambled together, and he didn’t process a single word of what he read. Instead, his head kept spinning with worst case scenarios of Seijoh’s head coach giving Iwaizumi some kind of written warning that could potentially harm his university application. That would be an overreaction, wouldn’t it? There was no way something like that would happen, right?

Eventually he gave up and closed the textbook, slumped down on his bed and opened his phone. He stared at the chat between him and Oikawa, feeling like he should confess what he just had done. Oikawa was still offline and so Iwaizumi just ended up putting his phone away again. He groaned and rubbed his eyes in frustration. Why had he thought that had been a good idea?

X

It was Friday afternoon and sunny outside. It felt like it had been cloudy and rainy the past few days, a cruel weather rolling in over Miyagi, so the sunshine brought a nice change to the otherwise gray days. As much as the warm sunlight invited them to go outdoors, they were trapped in Iwaizumi’s bedroom to study. Oikawa, laying on his stomach on the bed with a textbook before him, and Iwaizumi, by the desk writing notes. And a playlist playing soft tunes from his laptop to minimize the risk of them starting to chat with each other.

So far it was efficient. Hours of effective studying had passed. It was already around three in the afternoon. Classes had ended around midday that day, which was unusual, but had given them the rare opportunity to study in a silent environment that otherwise was filled with the chatter of Iwaizumi’s family members. Lately, the two teens had been going to the Oikawa household because of this particular reason. The only downside with that option was that there was no one preparing dinner for them there – they had to make it themselves.

Even if they had been very focused and concentrated, their determination to only study was starting to weaken. Part of it was due to the sun that was landing right on Oikawa’s back, making him feel even more inclined to sneak outdoors, part of it was due to the playlist that had ended a couple of minutes ago, a pressing silence now filling the room. Like most times, Oikawa was the first to break the silence.

“Can’t we take a break? I need some snacks”, he whined.

“Shut up, I’m concentrating”, Iwaizumi tried to regain his focus.

“Sure you are, you haven’t written a single word in the past five minutes”, the tone was now teasing.

“Seriously, I’ll come punch you if you don’t zip it.”

“As if you’d actually want to punch my gorgeous face.”

“Wanna test that theory?”

“You’d be too weak to do any damage.”

“Hah”, Iwaizumi now gave up, turning around. He found his friend smiling at him innocently, acting as if he hadn’t said anything wrong. “Says the guy who always begs me to stop throwing volleyballs at him.”

“You said you were _concentrating,_ Iwa-chan”, Oikawa kept up his innocent smile but his tone was nothing but mischievous. Besides, Oikawa’s supposed kind smile was never genuine. At least not when he flashed it to Iwaizumi. “That doesn’t look like concentrating to me.”

“Well, that doesn’t look like studying to me”, Iwaizumi pointed towards the textbook that Oikawa now had closed. “You were studying Spanish again?”

“Sí”, Oikawa replied with a grin. He liked saying random sentences in that foreign language, causing Iwaizumi a major headache. Luckily it had been a one-word sentence today, consisting of the one word Iwaizumi actually knew. “Argentina will be so honored when the great Oikawa Tooru arrives speaking fluent Spanish.”

“Argentina will be feeling second-hand embarrassment, and so will I”, Iwaizumi grumbled but couldn’t help the small smile creeping up on his lips at the setter’s boasting. Whether Iwaizumi would admit it out loud or not, it was undeniable. Oikawa was brilliant. How he maintained such amazing grades despite taking volleyball so seriously was beyond his understanding. “…So you really will move abroad huh?”

“Yea. I wanna keep playing volleyball and you know why I want to go to Argentina. Besides, it’ll be nice to get out of this rathole.”

“Hey, it’s not that bad here”, Iwaizumi scolded him. Oikawa was way too spoiled, living in a nice house and going to a good school and it wasn’t enough for his ridiculous standards. “I bet you’ll cry the first day since they don’t have milk bread.”

“I would never!” Oikawa gasped dramatically. “Besides, you’ll obviously be sending me milk bread from here every day!”

“Every day? That’s too much”, he couldn’t hold back a chuckle.

“You’ll agree to it because you love me so much”, Oikawa joked, unaware of how accurate his words actually were. He just always joked about things like these. Even before he had realized he wasn’t straight, had he joked with his best friend like this. And even if it wasn’t uncomfortable, it was starting to be a bit weird. As if something unsaid constantly lingered in the air around these moments.

“As if”, Iwaizumi’s reply was slower than usually, the awkward tension having returned yet again.

“Huh, no better comebacks today”, Oikawa wasn’t backing down with the teasing but just as he had been about to say something else, his phone buzzed. “Ah, Irihata-sensei. I’ll go take this in the other room”, he jumped up easily. He assumed this was about him applying abroad to play volleyball professionally. And so did Iwaizumi, completely forgetting the deed he had done days earlier.

Iwaizumi looked after Oikawa who disappeared into the hallway to talk, a faint and silly smile on his lips. Something about the curve of Oikawa’s back, about how he moved his legs when walking, one knee just slightly weaker, about his curly hair being messy from rolling around on the bed while studying, pulled on Iwaizumi’s heartstrings. Perhaps it was the feeling of these kinds of afternoons coming to an end, or perhaps it was just platonic love towards a childhood best friend. Whatever it was, it made Iwaizumi happy.

The phone call went on for a while so Iwaizumi resumed to studying. He succumbed back into the textbook, only hearing short hums and answers from Oikawa in the hallway. It was hard to tell what they were talking about and to be completely honest, Iwaizumi didn’t really care. It was Oikawa’s business.

“Iwaizumi”, Oikawa never used his full name unless angry, so Iwaizumi’s head shot up from the textbook in shock. He had not sensed Oikawa entering the room and had not anticipated this serious atmosphere. It was overwhelming. “You had no right.”

“Right?” Iwaizumi spoke with a confused murmur.

“You called Shiratorizawa’s head coach behind my back”, Oikawa was no longer in his playful, whiny mood. His expression was dark, a frustrated scowl adorning his pale features. “You had _no_ right! I told you I didn’t want to make a big deal about it!”

Oh.

Oh shit.

He had completely forgotten about the decision he had made in the spur of the moment. After that anxiety-filled night, he had kind of pushed the whole incident aside. No one had approached him about it the whole week, so he had assumed it had been nothing to worry about. He had assumed no one had heard about it. He had been wrong. The words, whatever they had been, died in his dry throat and he just stared at Oikawa, dumbfounded.

“Do you know what you just did? You fucking selfish piece of shit!” Oikawa hissed, stomping over to his backpack and starting to stuff it with his books and pens. “Now I’ll be known as difficult or-or sensitive! Do you think anyone will want me on their team with a reputation like that?”

“Hey, wait, that’s not true”, Iwaizumi tried to calm Oikawa. People thought Iwaizumi was the scary one when angry, but they were wrong. When Oikawa really, _actually_ got mad, he was ruthless. Others assumed he’d get emotional and start crying. It was the exact opposite. He’d turn ice cold. Suddenly, the sunlight entering Iwaizumi’s room was not enough to warm his body.

“You’re such an idiot, truly”, Oikawa continued, still gathering his things. “You _know_ I’ve worked so hard for this. You _know_ I’m not a genius. You _know_ the one thing I’m actually good at is teamwork. And you just ruined it. Why? You jealous that you wouldn’t make it professionally or what?”

“Oikawa, hey stop it, that’s not it-“

“Then what is it? Tell me why you did it when I repeatedly told you _not_ to do it. Or are you just like _him?_ Can’t understand me when I tell you no?” Oikawa’s voice was so cold Iwaizumi swore he felt the temperature drop at each word uttered.

“Don’t compare me to him!” Iwaizumi snapped. They were different when arguing. Oikawa was calculative, cool and manipulative. Iwaizumi was straightforward, heated and violent. This either lead to their arguments being solved right away or to drag on for days. This time around, it felt like it’d be the latter option.

“But you _are_ like him, aren’t you? If you do shit like that”, Oikawa had now finished packing his bag and hung it over his shoulder. “Seriously, Iwaizumi. People talk. This won’t be a discreet thing between just me, you and the coaches. Someone, somewhere, will slip it and then before you know it, everyone knows.”

“So? Wouldn’t that just be good, so that’d he’d stop? Or do you like it when he does that weird stuff to you?” Iwaizumi regretted the words he had said the second he had uttered them. He watched Oikawa raise his shoulder in tension.

“You know, Iwaizumi, this really sucks”, Oikawa spoke, changing the subject. His eyes were wet, Iwaizumi’s words obviously having hurt him. “I worked so hard. More than anyone. I’m not talented, I’m not strong, I don’t have those natural instincts people talk about.”

“Oikawa, stop it”, Iwaizumi got frustrated.

“It’s true though! It’s true and you know it! You saw Tobio-chan play at the finals, I’ll never be like him, no matter-“

“Then what about me!?” Iwaizumi growled.

“You?” the scoff was nonchalant, as if Iwaizumi’s existence didn’t matter one bit at this moment.

“If you’re so shitty, what about me? Huh? You at least got an award in middle school, I _didn’t._ You’re recognized as an amazing setter, I’m _not._ You’re a captain, I’m _vice-captain._ If you’re so bad at everything, and I’m worse than you, then what does that make me?” His brows were furrowed in resolution, yet his eyes were shaky of pain and fear. “If you suck, then I suck even more.”

“Trying to guilt-trip me into forgiving you?” Oikawa didn’t understand that the self-loathing words he spoke truly hurt people around him. In his eyes, Iwaizumi was out of the equation, because Iwaizumi wasn’t interested in playing professionally. Iwaizumi wasn’t a rival. He was just a spectator. An opinion that only hurt the vice-captain of Seijoh even more.

“Fine, don’t listen to me”, Iwaizumi threw his hands up in the air. “I’m not sorry for what I did.”

“Clearly”, Oikawa left with that word, taking it and the warmth with him.

The slam of the front door felt harder than any time before and the silence that followed was deafening. A slight spin on the chair brought Iwaizumi back to look at the textbook but his vision was blurry with tears. Deep, shaky breaths didn’t ease the anxiety-causing pain in his chest, didn’t help with the hot tears rolling down his dry cheeks. It wasn’t like they hadn’t fought before. But this time it wasn’t about Oikawa overworking himself or Iwaizumi being too distant. This time it was something more serious, a betrayal of trust.

A betrayal of the perfect trust between them.

X

It was still so early that most of the streets were empty, which was very fortunate. Because it was one thing crying and another thing being seen crying by some distant acquaintance. And to be fully honest, Oikawa did not have the mental strength to cope with the latter situation at this very moment.

Hurried, anxious steps brought him closer and closer to his home, but no matter how far from Iwaizumi he got, he couldn’t shake away the overwhelming anger he felt towards him. Why had Iwaizumi done that? Oikawa had told him time and time again not to do it. The whole reason to why Oikawa hadn’t wanted to make a huge deal about this was because he’d known people would start talking. If someone heard about him complaining about the star player Ushijima Wakatoshi, he’d be seen as a liar. Of course he would – he was the sore loser who never had made it to the nationals.

He imagined his breaths were deep but the oxygen he actually got in was not enough to stop the spinning inside his head. He felt nauseous. Did Iwaizumi seriously believe Oikawa _enjoyed_ being harassed by Ushijima? Did people think he had liked being kissed and touched by him? Hurrying down the street, he pushed those thoughts aside to only focus on how many steps there was left until he reached his home. Only fifty more, no, less, he was almost running after all.

Home.

He didn’t like that place very much anymore. No, that was not right. He did like his home. But he didn’t like it when he was stuck there alone. After the card-incident, which he had spent an entire night panicking about, he had felt very anxious to spend time alone. He’d check every window before sleeping at the night. He’d have trouble falling asleep, anxious thoughts storming through his mind. He’d wake up regularly to recheck the windows, making sure they really were locked. Of course, he didn’t tell anyone. Not even Iwaizumi. And especially not his mom. He just dealt with it on his own, as best as he could, telling himself his reactions were overdramatic and silly.

What Iwaizumi had done had betrayed the trust Oikawa had in him. But at the same time, Oikawa had been betraying Iwaizumi’s trust for a while now. Each lie about being fine, every text that he typed knowingly leaving out certain details, the faked laughter when his team joked about Ushijima – all of them betrayed Iwaizumi’s trust in Oikawa telling him the truth. And as much as he hated to admit it, Oikawa was aware of it himself.

But how was he supposed to tell someone, anyone, how he actually felt? Even if he got along with his family, they were undeniably distant with each other. There was no way he could just randomly text his mom saying he suspected he was being stalked. And telling anyone from Seijoh just felt impossible. His teammates still kept laughing whenever someone brought the incidents up, seeing it all as a huge joke. Kunimi had even joked about the wall-incident, saying Ushijima must have been horny to go so far, and the others had laughed. The others had _laughed_ when Oikawa hadn’t slept peacefully a minute since it had happened.

And Iwaizumi? Well, why tell him? Why bother him with this situation? Oikawa had always been like that, preferring to bottle things up. In middle school as well, when overworking had been his normal, he had kept his anxieties and insecurities to himself. Because those qualities in him were ugly. Because if Oikawa was anything but entertaining and self-confident, he was a bother.

The thoughts inside his head repeatedly told him he was a bother to everyone around him and the tears in his eyes burned stronger. Luckily fifty steps had turned to ten and he hurriedly walked up the final steps leading up to the front door. He blinked hard and let the tears fall once more, rolling down his soft cheeks. Shaky hands fumbled to get the keys out of his bag and then he opened the door. He was ready to throw himself on the couch and have a good cry.

But when he opened the door, he was greeted by the smell of home-made cooking. He frowned, wiped his face quickly and stepped inside. The door shut behind him and he removed his shoes with trembling fingers. Had his mom decided to return early? Oikawa didn’t want her to see him cry, didn’t want her to worry about something as trivial as some teenage drama.

“Mom?” he called out and stumbled to the living room without putting his slippers on. “You came early-“

“Welcome home, Oikawa”, a low voice that definitely wasn’t his mother’s resonated from the kitchen.

Ushijima Wakatoshi was inside his house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...so that's that!  
> I'll be quite busy with school so I can't promise regular updates, but I do work on writing this. the process is just kinda slow.
> 
> thanks for reading and please leave a comment if you enjoyed it! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fnajkkfjgka  
> me ignoring a school assignment to update?? more likely than you think  
> this chapter is INTENSE and the next ones are going to be as well. 
> 
> plss if you read this, leave a comment! I love reading them! <3
> 
> enjoy this horrifying chapter!
> 
> WARNING: abuse and rape

“Ushiwaka”, it wasn’t a question, rather a statement. Because that was all Oikawa could do, his jacket still on him and his mouth gaping slightly in shock. It took him a few seconds to actually process what was going on and in an instant his entire body tensed, a horrifying chill running through his spine. “What… Why…”  
  
“I’m making oyakodon”, Ushijima spoke as if this was the most natural and normal thing in the world. He was wearing Oikawa’s mother’s apron, using their kitchen and smiling at the setter as if he had been waiting for him. “You’re earlier than I thought you’d be, but please, just sit down by the table. It won’t be long.”

“No”, Oikawa gasped out, taking a shaky step backwards. This couldn’t be happening, could it? Iwaizumi had been right to contact Shiratorizawa. Hell, they should have contacted the police. Oikawa felt like an idiot, he should have taken this more seriously. “What are you doing in my house?” he managed to cough out.

“What do you mean? I’ve been here several times to help you out. I know you’re lonely”, Ushijima explained, lowering the heat on the stove casually. Oikawa hated how easily Ushijima used their stove, as if he was used to managing it.

“Several times?” his mind provided him with the unsettling memories of things wandering around in the house. Ushijima had been breaking in all this time? He started trembling in fear, not knowing what to expect next. What Oikawa had thought had been a silly crush was actually crazy obsession. This was dangerous. He needed to get out of here, get away, get to safety.

“No, no, Ushiwaka this is wrong. You-“, he stuttered, trying to gather himself. “You should leave. You can’t be here. I don’t want you to be here. Get out of my house.”

“But I love you Oikawa”, Ushijima frowned. “Just let me finish cooking at least”, he murmured, turning around to face the kitchen countertop and chopping some fresh spring onion. He seemed to have found everything he needed for cooking – cutting board, knives, pots, rice steamer… How many times had he been in their kitchen before?

“No!” Oikawa raised his voice, still shaking but the adrenaline of fear was kicking in. “You get out of my house right now!” he demanded. The argument with Iwaizumi was forgotten at the moment, the previous need to cry gone. Instead, he was determined to get Ushijima out, even prepared to use brute force. His body was fully relying on his fight-or-flight instincts.

“Oikawa, stop raising your voice at me. I don’t appreciate it”, Ushijima kept chopping the spring onion, back turned to the other teen. He seemed just as stubborn on staying as Oikawa was on him leaving. “Why must you always be so difficult?”

“Get out or I’m calling the police!” Oikawa’s voice was trembling. His panicked hands reacted a few seconds after his words, starting to search his bag for his phone. _Where is it, where is it, where is it._

“Police? Oikawa, why would you do that? I’m your boyfriend”, now Ushijima finally turned around again, knife still in his hand. Oikawa didn’t notice it, busy grasping his phone and dialing the emergency number.

“Boyfriends don’t break into each other’s homes! I’m serious, get out!” the demand was firmer this time, tense hands struggling with typing in the correct number.

He didn’t have time to finish his action, as in just a second, Ushijima had leapt up to him, grabbed his wrist and pressed the kitchen knife against his neck. The only thing Oikawa registered was the unpleasant pressure of the sharp knife cutting into his soft skin. It was cold and slightly wet.

“You are not calling the police”, Ushijima spoke calmly. “Let go of the phone.”

Oikawa, terrified and in disbelief, dropped the phone immediately. This was surreal. Never in his entire life had he expected things to turn out like this. He was always prepared for various kinds of situations. But he was not prepared for any situation like this. At loss of how to handle things, he found himself starting to shake uncontrollably, staring at Ushijima’s serious, resolute eyes.

“Ushiwaka… Let me go”, he whispered. “Boyfriends don’t… threaten each other with knives.”

“You were the one who started it”, Ushijima stated, lowering the knife but keeping a firm grip on his obsession. His large, calloused hand pressed harder around Oikawa’s wrist, causing the trapped one to wince in pain. “You sit down.”

“No, let go”, Oikawa repeated, his wrist feeling like it’d snap under the pressure it was. At his refusal, Ushijima pressed harder, sending a claustrophobic type of pain into the tendon and bone. His eyes stared right at Oikawa, right into him, the gaze stripping him and caging him in.

“You’re mine”, his tone was a strange mixture of determination and raw obsession. ”And if you don’t understand that, then I’ll have to show you. Claim you.”

“I’m not!” he was in a frenzy now, starting to struggle, hard and panicked pulls attempting to free him. Claim him? It couldn’t be. No. Oikawa would never allow that. This had to be some kind of prank. Things like these just didn’t happen in real life, didn’t happen outside fiction.

Before he knew it, his revolution had been shut down, and he was pressed against the nearest wall, his head shoved right into the hard concrete face first. An involuntary groan slipped through him at the nauseating pain, the world spinning around him and feeling horribly surreal.

“You are”, Ushijima was not backing down. The heat of his body was soon fully pressed against Oikawa’s back. This situation sent the latter into further panic, memories of the time after the volleyball game came flooding in. Not again. Not when there was no one to help him.

“Please, let go”, in his state of hysteria, Oikawa resorted to begging. He kept trashing around, refusing to submit to the large, overwhelming body caging him in.

“I came here today to cook you dinner and invite you to our family establishment for a weekend trip”, the explanation was decorated by the knife that now brushed against Oikawa’s neck again. “And now you are being rude. Why must you refuse me? If you’re trying to play hard to get, then I’ll tell you, you are absolutely divine to me. You don’t need to play a single game to attract me.”

“Ushiwaka”, Oikawa coughed out, body frozen and mind scrambling for escape plans. “I’ll come to your trip, but only if you put the knife away”, he bargained. 

“Good. I dislike it when we are fighting”, Ushijima pulled away at the words, one hand trailing down from Oikawa’s neck along his back all the way down to his behind before leaving his body. “I understand you are a passionate individual, so I do expect some fighting, but this was beyond unreasonable.”

Oikawa felt his eyes stinge with tears and fought to keep them dry. He detested the way Ushijima looked at him and touched him. How had he not seen it before? The longing gaze that had been thrown his way for weeks now was not due to an innocent crush. It was due to a sick obsession, an obsession that caused Ushijima to live in his own reality. How long had Ushijima been like this? Faint memories from middle school flashed in his eyes, a similar gaze staring at him through the volleyball net.

“Mm”, Oikawa only mumbled, eyes searching for something, anything that could help him out. Ushijima was dangerous. He had to be smart. His phone lay on the floor a few feet away. He wouldn’t have time to grab it and call for help before being stopped. And all the kitchen utensils were behind Ushijima’s back. He stared at his bag, wondering if there was anything in it that could help.

_Fucking hell. I’m trapped. I’m fucking done for. Why can’t you come here Iwa-chan? I know we just fought but please. I need you._

“I packed your bag for the trip. It’s in your bedroom”, Ushijima seemed to be ignorant of Oikawa’s obvious body language. Turning around, he placed the kitchen knife down on the cutting board and fumbled with the ingredients on the table.

Oikawa ignored it, seeing his chance. Ushijima had his back turned to him. He made sure to move quietly, made sure that the noisy fabric of his jacket wouldn’t move around too much. Focusing on being silent and grabbing his phone, Oikawa completely missed the fact that Ushijima actually wasn’t fumbling around with _ingredients._ That one of the bottles on the kitchen countertop wasn’t soy sauce or oil, but chloroform. That Ushijima took the pink kitchen cloth and wet it nicely with the sedative liquid.

So, when Oikawa had just been about to redial the emergency number, he was unprepared for the soft cloth that was forced against his face. He breathed in without understanding. He dropped the phone, his hands desperate to free him from what he thought was an attempt to suffocate him. He didn’t recognize the smell, didn’t recall seeing something like this happen in movies – his mind was blank of fear.

It took Ushijima a few minutes, but he was calm, his strong arms keeping the knelt down Oikawa in place. He imagined the struggling was just proof of how strong his lover was, how determined and stubborn.

“You are more obvious than you think”, he spoke calmly, lips against his soft cheek. “I understand you’d rather study all weekend, but I think it’ll be better for you with a small vacation.”

The whimpers and shouts muffled by the cloth slowly turned weaker and quieter. The last thing Oikawa fully registered was the view of his slippers, the ones he hadn’t put on when rushing inside to cry in peace, placed neatly by the genkan. And then everything went dark and numb.

Ushijima slowly lowered the pink fabric, tossing it aside. For just a few seconds, he allowed himself to cradle Oikawa’s fully limp body, bathing in the wonderful feel of the latter submitting to him for the first time ever. No struggling, no teasing, no playing hard to get. Just peaceful, mundane love. But then the moment was over, and he stood up, picking his boyfriend up with him.

Logically, he placed Oikawa on the couch for a few minutes to finish cooking and then put it all into plastic boxes so that the meal wouldn’t go to waste. They could heat it up at Ushijima’s later when Oikawa stopped being so hysterical and complicated. Systematically, he cleaned up the kitchen, not wanting to cause Oikawa’s mother any chores. And after that, he moved to fetch the bag he had packed for Oikawa, flinging it over his shoulder after having put the chloroform and the pink kitchen cloth in it. He couldn’t leave those out if Oikawa’s mother came home.

He left the house with the bag of Oikawa’s belongings on his back, the plastic bag with the food he just had cooked in his hand, and the pretty setter in his arms. No one seemed to be outside at the moment, which was fortunate. Trying to explain that you had been forced to drug your boyfriend because he was a dramatic brat would probably not have been easy. People could have gotten the wrong idea.

Ushijima had parked his car around the corner, always opting for that spot when visiting by car. He hadn’t officially gotten his driver’s license yet but had been driving at their family establishment out in the countryside for almost two years. He was aware it wasn’t legal, he had been told that by his uncle when he had taught him. But it had been necessary at that time. And now it was necessary again.

He made sure Oikawa lay down on his side on the backseat, even using some rope to tie him in place. He didn’t want his boyfriend to roll over and choke on his tongue in his unconscious state. After making sure Oikawa was comfortable and safe, he put the bags in the trunk. And then, after what felt like an eternity, he finally sat down in the driver’s seat and drove off to his paradise.

X

_It’s almost as if the entire sky is ablaze, an intense, fiery nuance coloring the horizon. He can’t help but to note that it’s beautiful. Everything that bathed in the light appeared different, warm, yet somehow unreachable. As if one touch would make the situation dissolve immediately._

_Ushijima doesn’t know how long he has stood there, but when the school festival had ended and everyone else had gone home, the sky had still been blue. He doesn’t turn around to look at the clock on the wall of the school building. Instead, he stands by the gate, staring at the sky wistfully. His mother should be here soon. The way back home is too long to walk alone._

_Next to him, on the other side of the stone gate, is a boy from another school. He is probably from the school that had visited the festival today. The guests had also prepared performances for the day, but Ushijima hadn’t gone to see a single of them. Yet, Ushijima knows the boy is from that school, his uniform revealing him. He doesn’t remember the name of said elementary school and presumes it’s unimportant._

_His stomach grumbles uncomfortably, indicating hunger. It has been doing that for a while now. But he knows he has to wait for his mother, and so, he ignores it._

_Lost in the fiery colors of the sky, he fails to notice how the boy sets his backpack down, opens it and snatches out a chocolate bar. Before Ushijima knows it, a pink piece of chocolate is presented before him in small, milky pale hands._

_“Your stomach is grumbling, it’s annoying”, Ushijima finally looks at the boy he has been ignoring for hours. He has large, warm hazelnut-colored eyes and curly, brown hair. He is tall like Ushijima._

_“Thank you”, Ushijima replies, accepting the piece he was given. He notes the boy is giving him at least half of his chocolate bar. He takes a bite. Cherry flavor._

_“So, is it your mom or dad who is abandoning you?” the tone is sarcastic, but hints at empathy. It’s the first time ever someone seems to understand._

_“My father lives abroad”, Ushijima looks at the boy now, seeing him bathe in orange, seeing him turn warm and brilliant._

_“My father is dead”, the reply is too immediate, the face unfaltering. The boy is used to this. “And I think my mom has forgotten about me.”_

_His eyes look angry. Frustrated. Hurt. But also expecting. Prepared. Determined. He understands, Ushijima realizes, understands that love is complicated and unreachable. He has the same kind of resolution to find it. The same kind of hollowness to fill. Ushijima takes another bite of the chocolate, the taste of cherry and white chocolate filling his mouth. Sticky. Sweet._

_“And your mom must have forgotten you too”, the boy adds, lifting his nose up in the air arrogantly. When he takes a bite of the chocolate, it’s firm and somehow elegant. His wrist is lithe, delicate, beautiful, peeking out of the dark blue uniform._

_Ushijima doesn’t know what to say. He feels he doesn’t need to say anything. Why would he? This boy, this stranger, understands either way. He stares and memorizes the curve of his nose, his high cheekbones, his almond-shaped eyes, his long lashes. He is, Ushijima realizes, what people would describe as pretty rather than handsome._

_“Tooru!” a female voice suddenly calls out, worried steps echoing together with the voice. A young woman, wearing what appears to be a high-school uniform, is running down the street, visibly distressed. Her brown hair is the same shade as the boy’s, wavy and long._

_The boy doesn’t as much as turn towards her, only continues eating._

_“I’m so sorry- are you okay- I had school activities- I didn’t- “, the young woman stutters incoherently and kneels down, grabbing the boy’s face worriedly. She hugs him briefly. “I didn’t know I had to come pick you up. Mom is sick and couldn’t come.”_

_“Like always”, the boy replies with a snort._

_“Come on now, I’ll buy you something to eat on the way home. You must be so hungry”, the woman stands up and grabs the small, pale hand. “How about milk bread?” she starts leading him away and he follows. He doesn’t glance back at Ushijima, his hand gripping the woman’s tight, as if scared she too would disappear and forget about him._

_Their silhouettes are engulfed by orange and disappear, and Ushijima decides he has waited long enough. With the cherry chocolate finished and tastes of it lingering in his mouth, he walks down the street in the opposite direction, towards his home. It’s pitch-black when he reaches the front door, the boy having taken the warm orange with him._

X

When everything was organized – Oikawa’s clothes in the drawers and toothbrush in the bathroom, food in the fridge, chloroform in the cleaning cabinet – Ushijima allowed himself to sit down on the floor by the couch in the small living room. The couch was occupied by a still sleeping Oikawa, the tall teen breathing softly and calmly. Outside the sun was setting, a rarely bright autumn sunset taking place. The sun leaked in through the dirty windows, landing on Oikawa’s brown locks, making them glisten in warm orange.

Oikawa was beautiful. It was true. Ushijima had noted it much earlier than the teen himself had, as Oikawa had only seemed to find value in his looks when others had. Nowadays it was pretty much a well-known fact, rumors of the good-looking player circling around in many schools of Miyagi. Even volleyball weekly had mentioned that he was attractive and popular. Supposedly, good looks were just something people noted and talked about.

But there was much more than external, superficial beauty to him. There was strength. There was the obvious physical strength, resonating in his powerful serves that seemed to leave the court airless. And then there was the mental strength, making him a hard worker, making him face his fears, making him stand up each time he fell. It was admirable, and in Ushijima’s opinion, made him absolutely perfect.

And even so, when Oikawa already was so flawless, there was even more than strength. There was depth. There were echoes of loneliness in the last few steps he took up to his home, there were hints of abandonment in the smiles he flashed every adult, there were colors of desperation on his face when his friends hurried off without him. Despite the obvious differences between Ushijima and Oikawa, they were the same at heart. They were meant to understand each other and support each other. Hold each other and be each other’s.

Ushijima knew Oikawa was popular, which Ushijima himself wasn’t. He in fact envied Oikawa’s social skills, envied how he seemed to always know what to say to everyone so that they’d not only accept him, but also adore him. Ushijima seemed to be the opposite, his too blunt statements often causing others to be angered with him. But yet, no matter how many people seemed to be surrounding Oikawa, Ushijima had known they were the same on the inside. Like Ushijima, Oikawa kept things to himself, looked after himself and lost his youth in the process. The difference was just that Oikawa lied and acted, and Ushijima remained silent and laconic.

Growing up in a scattered family meant you’d never fully relate to those who had a functioning one. Ultimately, it led to isolation and bitterness. How could you not become jealous when your classmate got to go home to a curious, loving, attentive family, when all you arrived home to was cold silence? And furthermore, if you did end up being invited to a classmate’s house for dinner, you were lost with how to act and the hosts only seemed bothered by your incompetence. And at the same time, in the midst of the frustration and jealousy, there was an undeniable need to have a family of your own. To fill the void in your childhood.

These were emotions and thoughts Ushijima had long ago realized most people didn’t understand. The only reason he and Tendou got along was because of the latter’s past with bullying. And even so, Tendou got to go home to a supportive family on the weekends, leaving Ushijima alone in their shared dorm. The only one who could fully understand, was Oikawa. Which was why the two of them were such an amazing match. Not only did they share a passion for volleyball, but they also balanced each other socially and understood each other’s secrets. The only downside with this was Oikawa’s idiotic pride and obsession with beating Ushijima. It was illogical. But at the same time, it was adorable. Oikawa was as obsessed with Ushijima, as Ushijima was with Oikawa.

He let his fingers brush through the thick, soft locks. He couldn’t help the fond smile the familiar smell of Oikawa caused. For years, Ushijima hadn’t understood why he had been unable to forget about the boy at the school gates. And when he in middle school had met him again, on the volleyball court, he had been convinced that the obsessive thoughts he started having was due to the setter’s talent. Then, in high school, their rivalry had turned intense, heated and passionate, his thoughts suddenly erotic and lewd as a consequence.

What ultimately had led him to confess hadn’t been a sudden realization, but instead his overheated desire to claim him reaching its boiling point. And he could tell Oikawa felt the same way, deep inside, beneath all the masks he wore. He saw the passion in Oikawa’s eyes when he glared at him, felt the heat in his body when he touched him. He had understood, Oikawa had been embarrassed to be affectionate with Ushijima in front of his friends. They were rivals after all. And even now in private, it seemed Oikawa wasn’t as aware of his own feelings as Ushijima was. But there was nothing to worry about – Ushijima would draw those feelings out of Oikawa. He had waited for years, what was a few more weeks?

What brought him back from his internal monologue was the soft groan from Oikawa’s lips. He squirmed a bit on the couch, long lashes fluttering and brows furrowing in confusion. Ushijima kept playing with his hair, soothing and loving strokes running through the thick hair.

“Oikawa, good evening”, he greeted with a fond smile.

Oikawa struggled, his head spinning in nauseating circles. It was hard to open his eyes. He was on a couch, he recognized. He vaguely remembered fighting with Iwaizumi, remembered how he had almost run home. Had he fallen asleep on the couch? But the sunlight was coming in from his right – at home the windows were to the left of the couch. He fought to open his eyes, but even when he did manage, everything was just blurry and foggy.

He groaned again, mouth dry and sticky. Talking was difficult right now. He was still waking up. Two arms seemed to be helping him sit up. They were strong. Was he still at Iwaizumi’s? He shakily brought his hands up, rubbing his eyes. And in a second, he tensed. This was neither his home nor Iwaizumi’s. And the one holding him wasn’t his dear friend.

“Ushiwaka”, he tensed, the memories flooding in like spikes piercing his skull. His head ached uncomfortably, and panic caused his heartbeat to increase worryingly much. “I’m… where…”

“We are at my family’s establishment in the mountains”, Ushijima spoke calmly, rubbing Oikawa’s small waist with his thumbs. “Have you calmed down now?”

Oikawa looked around, seeing he was in a small living room and that there was a kitchen right behind the couch. There was one hallway continuing next to the kitchen, presumably leading to some bedrooms and restrooms. Next to the glass door in the kitchen was also a large terrace. And beyond the terrace, only forest. Trees after trees… Where was he?

“I’m- Ushiwaka- this”, he stuttered, trying to push the hands away from his waist. His long limbs felt weak and sluggish and he now understood that he had been drugged. How dumb he had been, breathing in the sedative so restlessly. He should have held his breath. “Let me go home. I don’t want to be here.”

“I understand, you’re upset”, Ushijima almost shushed him. “Come, let’s have you rest a bit more”, the arms Oikawa had tried to free himself from only wrapped tighter around him and soon he was picked up. Of course, he didn’t let himself be manhandled so easily, weakly struggling against the hold.

“Don’t you understand? This is kidnapping! You drugged me! You’re fucking insane!” feral hisses were thrown at Ushijima, but the stoic ace player was unbothered. Instead, he entered one of the bedrooms, a large futon placed by the end of the room. Other than the futon and a small bag next to it, the room was completely empty and almost felt clinical at the lack of interior design.

“Don’t cuss”, was all Ushijima murmured. He set Oikawa down on the futon, a strange smile on his lips. It didn’t reach his eyes.

“You fucking creep! Stalker! Let me go! I hate you!” Oikawa kicked him as soon as he was laid down, the strength in his legs gone. He knew a kick like that normally would have sent the larger teen stumbling backwards, but Ushijima didn’t even move an inch. He didn’t give up, however, feeling how each movement made his limbs feel stronger. “I fucking _hate_ you!”

“Hate me?” Ushijima’s odd smile disappeared. In an instant, he was on top of Oikawa, kneeling on his kicking legs and using his weight to pin them down. The pressure hurt, causing Oikawa to wince. “I love you Oikawa. I need you.”

“Fuck you!” Oikawa spat at him. The next second he managed to rip his arm up from the futon, scratching at Ushijima’s eyes. “I hate you!”

“That’s it”, Ushijima grabbed his wrists and pinned them down right above his head. Oikawa was now trapped again. How many times would Ushijima trap him like this? He stared up at the larger teenager, chest heaving angrily. He had missed his eyes, his nails only having left angry scratch marks on his cheek. “You need to be tamed.”

“Tamed? I’m no animal, I’m a human being-“

“Shut up”, he slapped him hard enough to leave Oikawa’s right cheek burning. His greenish eyes were dark – dark of what? Oikawa couldn’t tell, taking in sharp breaths through his nose. “I didn’t want to do this to you”, he muttered. Using his free hand, he reached for the bag by the futon. The metal glistening in the faint light made Oikawa swallow thickly – those were handcuffs.

“How can you do this to your own boyfriend? If you really love me, you let me go right now”, he tried to reason.

“You know, Oikawa, my mother had some construction workers screw these metallic rings to the walls of this room”, putting the handcuffs on Oikawa wasn’t hard as the setter still didn’t seem to have regained full control of his limbs after the sedative. “They look odd, don’t they? Screwed into the wall in a way that nothing can make them budge.”

“Don’t do this”, his beg was soft. Oikawa felt how his hands were being cuffed above his head. Ushijima was bringing the chain somewhere now, reaching over Oikawa’s head, probably to one of those metallic rings he was talking about.

“When we stayed here during summer vacation when I was a child, I would have many nightmares. I was convinced there were ghosts in the attic”, Ushijima continued, his story inconsistent, obscure and off-putting. Oikawa didn’t pay attention and instead started squirming beneath Ushijima’s weight. “It irritated my mother. So, she had these installed. Each night, she would chain me to one of these posts, so that I couldn’t go bother her if I woke up.”

Oikawa’s breathing stopped for a few seconds. His eyes widened, staring up at Ushijima in shock. With a soft click, Oikawa was now chained to one of those metallic rings with a horrifying story behind them. He regained his breath, panting hard in panic. What now? He was literally trapped now. What could he do? He tried moving his legs, but Ushijima still had most of his weight on them.

“If you really want me to be your boyfriend”, Oikawa swallowed hard, “you unchain me and let me go home. I’m serious.”

“But I like the way you look like that”, Ushijima murmured, the darkness in his eyes still present. It shifted ever so slightly, now burning with clear arousal. He slowly pressed his entire body down, pressing their crotches together. Oikawa could _feel_ that Ushijima was into this.

“No, no”, Oikawa started shaking his head frantically, the bulge pressing against him telling him what Ushijima was going to do. He couldn’t let it happen. He didn’t want it.

“I’ll be as gentle as I can”, Ushijima whispered against his plump lips, fluttering soft kisses over his face. “I love you so much Oikawa, truly. And I’ve waited for this for so long…” he trailed off, one hand slipping into Oikawa’s hoodie and touching the sensitive skin beneath it.

“No, please, don’t”, his voice cracked in fear. He had no courage to try fighting now. He was tense and frozen in fear, skin crawling at the way the rough palm danced around his stomach and chest. “Please, _please,_ don’t…”

“I’m sorry, I’m so aroused right now”, Ushijima rocked their hips together, the hardened bulge only emphasizing his words. “I want to claim you so bad, want to show you that you’re _mine_. I can’t wait a second longer”, he started undoing Oikawa’s pants while he sat up on his thighs.

“Please, Ushijima, I’m begging you, don’t do this”, Oikawa felt his eyes burn with fear. He squirmed and threw his head from side to side. Despite his obvious lack of consent, his pants were slid down his hips, his boxers following shortly after. “No, no, no, no, no…”

“You’re so beautiful, so strong”, he whispered in reply, squeezing the untouched hips firmly. “Why would I back down now?”

X

Iwaizumi hadn’t studied a minute since his and Oikawa’s fight earlier that day. He had instead spent hours scrolling through his phone, trying to distract himself from his panicked thoughts. Would Oikawa forgive him for what he had done? Were the coaches angry at Iwaizumi for overstepping the boundaries? What had the coaches even told Oikawa? He was still laying on his bed, in the same spot Oikawa had hours earlier, watching meaningless videos.

He barely registered what he saw on the screen.

_Oikawa barely registered what Ushijima was doing._

Iwaizumi sighed deeply, remembering the hurt expression of his friend. Unlike all the faked pouts, this one had been full of genuine anger and disappointment. Which was understandable, Iwaizumi could understand that he had betrayed his friend’s trust and therefore hurt his feelings. How would they move on now? They wouldn’t drift apart, right? The thought scared him.

_He was terrified._

He closed the video he had been watching and opened the private chat between him and Oikawa. The tall teen hadn’t been online for hours now, probably sulking at home. Iwaizumi thought about texting, thought about going over. But when Oikawa was upset, he most often needed space for a bit. But not too much space – otherwise he’d get dramatic and come up with silly theories that Iwaizumi didn’t care about him enough to come apologize.

He rubbed his forehead in frustration and groaned quietly. Perhaps it’d be for the best to wait until Monday. Yes, he would talk to Oikawa on Monday.

_He tried kicking him again._

Iwaizumi got up and walked in circles, trying to empty his head. He needed to focus on studying, even if Oikawa always would be his top priority. Besides, there was no point in letting himself spiral into ridiculous thoughts of Oikawa permanently hating him.

_Everything was spinning around him._

By the time his father came home from work, Iwaizumi had managed to gather himself and had sat back down by his desk to study. It went so well that he barely remembered to greet him. When his father called his name, he shouted a firm ‘welcome home’ back in reply, almost annoyed that his concentration had been disrupted.

_He screamed out in pain. It was too much._

When Iwaizumi went to bed that night, he felt a little less anxious and a little more confident that he and Oikawa would be alright. They’d just need to talk it out on Monday.

X

“Oikawa, you are bleeding”, Ushijima noted through a hot breath. He pulled out, a trail of semen following, his member indeed colored in Oikawa’s blood. Disgust filled Oikawa’s mouth and he gagged.

Everything hurt so badly, which was weird, because at the same time he barely felt his legs. They lay limp and open, resting on either side of his torso. He was nude and covered in love bites. He didn’t reply, couldn’t reply. He tried his best not to vomit, disgust swelling inside his throat. Hot tears ran down the sides of his face but new ones forming with every blink. His body kept spasming at random intervals, choked sobs leaving his lips at the overwhelming cramps.

“Oikawa”, Ushijima repeated his name, his dark voice filled with concern. He knew he had been a bit rough, but it had felt so good. Oikawa had been so perfect, taking every inch of him so well. Finally, Ushijima had made him his, and it had been endlessly erotic. He would probably get addicted. “Oikawa, are you alright?”

Oikawa’s body kept trembling uncontrollably, his breaths fast and erratic. He had been hyperventilating ever since he had felt that horrifying heat being released inside of him. Somehow, that moment had just made it all so _real._ No matter how hard he had tried to disassociate, he had been forced to face it. Ushijima had raped him.

“Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it”, the words were meant as comfort, lips brushing against his cheek. But they only reminded Oikawa of the fact that he was chained to the wall. They only made him realize that Ushijima would do this again and that he would be helpless then too.

Oikawa didn’t speak a single word, gagging once more despite his breaths slowly evening out. His body was cold. His hips were burning in pain, and even worse was… He shut his eyes, remembering the sight of the blood mixed with semen. He didn’t want to see or know what was happening down there. He didn’t, he couldn’t.

Ushijima lay down beside him. For a moment he was only quiet and only lay there. But then his hand drifted over to Oikawa, drawing soft circles on his hips. Oikawa couldn’t even tense in response, having lost control of his body the second Ushijima had shoved into him. All his body knew right now was pain and fear.

“I love you”, Ushijima said softly.

Oikawa had never hated him more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...... so yeah. things are not going well for oikawa atm.
> 
> if you liked this, please share ur thoughts!!   
> until next update!! :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im hella stressed for school atm so I typed this out to cope
> 
> ALSO ahhhh!! I was so surprised that people left comments on the last chapter!! <3 seriously, tysm!! it definitely boosted me!!!
> 
> this, and maybe two more chapters, will still be a bit dark. so please hang in there!! I hope this chapter isn't too messy with how much is going on
> 
> EDIT: fixed some typos that bothered me haha
> 
> enjoy!

Against all odds, he had fallen asleep. It had been a dark, dreamless night, with few occasional nightmares taking place. And for a moment after waking up, just for a moment, he forgot about where he was, didn’t feel the pain in his lower body, ignored the restraints around his wrists, and instead found himself at home; safe, warm, content. But the moment didn’t last long and in an instant he flinched awake, a soft gasp leaving his lips at the movement.

Ushijima wasn’t next to him anymore, leaving Oikawa’s waist free from the tight grip the former had kept on him the entire night. Oikawa was still naked, but the thick blanket that weighed over him offered protection and privacy. His shoulders ached from the way his arms had been cuffed above his head the entire night, the muscles and bones screaming for another position. Unfortunately, his shoulders weren’t the only ones to ache. His head, his hips, his legs… He shuddered soundlessly.

Faint noises could be heard from the other side of the door. They probably came from Ushijima. Combining the noises with the smell, Oikawa concluded that Ushijima was cooking again. He slowly tried turning over but quickly realized he was completely and utterly exhausted. He wanted to go back to sleep, to that comfortable non-existent space where he didn’t feel the disgusting stickiness of semen and blood between his legs. He closed his eyes and tried to drift off.

Sadly, his mind wouldn’t allow him rest. Instead, awfully vivid memories of the previous night kept riling in, phantom hands roaming over his body, invasive lips pressing against him. Why? Why was it that he had barely been able to understand what had been happening to him last night, but now, when he only wanted to forget about it, he remembered everything so clearly? He felt sick, felt like he needed to vomit. He shakily tried curling up, a sharp pain in his hip causing him to wince quietly.

Ushijima had been rough and merciless. Oikawa’s eyes filled with tears when he recalled it, recalled the sight of the larger teen on top of him. Suddenly, he heard the noises of their skins slapping together, felt himself being torn, saw the terrifying gaze stare at him with each thrust. He pressed his ear down against the pillow as hard as he could, wanting to block it all out. With a clenched jaw he drew in sharp breaths through his nose, trying to calm himself.

Why? Why him? What had he ever done to deserve _this?_ This was still so incredibly surreal. Things like these weren’t meant to happen. Things like these weren’t meant to happen to innocent seventeen-year-old boys who dreamed of a career in volleyball. He felt sick to his stomach, disgust raising in his throat. Ushijima was actually _obsessed_ with him, and not in an endearing way. Oikawa had always loved getting confessions and attention, but this was purely petrifying. The way the larger teen would smell his hair and squeeze his thighs was possessive and strange, as if he truly was addicted to Oikawa’s scent and body.

How could this happen? How could it be, that he only twenty-four hours ago had been in school, arguing about which ramen place in town was the best with Hanamaki and Matsukawa? That was what he was supposed to be doing. He should have been at home texting his friends, nagging at them to come eat ramen with him. Why was he instead chained to a wall, naked and bleeding between his legs?

Monday.

Ushijima had said this was a weekend trip, and if anything had gotten clear to Oikawa by now, it was the fact that Ushijima was insane. He might have been insane enough to actually bring Oikawa back home Sunday evening. Ushijima wasn’t some well-meaning boy with awkward social skills. His social skills were poor because he was a full-on psychopath. A psychopath who, for whatever reason, had decided Oikawa would be his. He swallowed hard to conquer the need to vomit, thinking back at all of the confessions, at how he had laughed them off, at how his team had laughed them off… He should have been firmer, should have been smarter, should have been…

_Monday._

Oikawa coached the Lil' Tykes Volleyball class for elementary students on Mondays. His small nephew Takeru would be there. In an instant, he felt himself turn ice cold. How would he be able to coach them like this? He would have to go, wouldn’t he? Because he had a contract with the club. How would he even manage to move around when his body already hurt at lying down? How would he smile at the parents? How would he look Takeru in the eyes and not break down at an innocent comment about how stiff his movements were? He lost control of his breathing, no air reaching into his lungs.

Not only did he have to coach on Monday, but he also had to go to school on Monday. He would have to see Hanamaki, Matsukawa, Kunimi, Kindaichi, Yahaba… He started crying as he thought about them. Would they even respect him? Would they see right through him? Iwaizumi would see right through him, that was for sure. Oh, _Iwaizumi._ How would he face him? Could he even face him? They had argued too. There was so much Oikawa had to fix, had to do, had to say. Would he ever get out of here? Would he ever get to see those people again?

His breath hitched and he let out a choked sob.

Would anyone ever find him? On Monday, if he didn’t show up, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? And if the answer to these questions was yes, then how would they even begin to find him? He seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. No one would be able to track him down. Besides, would people think he had run away because of his argument with Iwaizumi and dismiss the whole case?

_No, no, no Iwa-chan can’t really think that. He can’t. He knows I wouldn’t run away over something like that. He would know. He would know and find me. I’m sure._

By now breathing was impossible and he was coughing and sobbing loudly. Panicked shivers went through his spine, making his limbs flinch. Each movement hurt and the burning pain between his legs only got worse and worse. He didn’t hear Ushijima open the door and walk over, but he visibly jumped when he was touched, a soft cry of fear leaving his throat.

“Calm down Oikawa, there are no ghosts in the attic”, Ushijima murmured soothingly, pulling the setter into a forceful, stoic embrace to comfort him. He rubbed soft circles onto Oikawa’s back, seeming to think he was the knight in shining armor that arrived to save Oikawa from a nightmare about ghosts.

“Let… go”, Oikawa barely got out, his voice quiet and high-pitched. His entire demeanor was begging, at complete mercy. He couldn’t stand Ushijima’s touch, couldn’t look him in the eyes, couldn’t listen to his words. Ghosts? Did Ushijima sincerely think that was the issue here? Not the fact that he had kidnapped and raped Oikawa?

“Tooru”, he suddenly switched to using Oikawa’s first name. “I’m here to protect you now. You’re not forgotten anymore.”

“Please”, Oikawa whimpered in reply, his terrified sobs muffled against Ushijima’s shoulder. He had never been this scared in his entire life. He had never felt this weak in his entire life. Pathetic tugs at the handcuffs didn’t help him the slightest, they only made him squirm in dismay at realizing how trapped he was.

“Come, let’s get you up from bed”, Ushijima took notice of how his lover tugged and tugged at the handcuffs, deciding he could be let out for a bit. He was careful and gentle, seeing how the lithe body was tense and trembling beneath the blanket.

Oikawa didn’t reply, keeping his mouth shut not to vomit. It was hard because his entire body crawled at Ushijima being close to him, the overwhelming sensation so horrifying that it made his mouth fill with disgust over and over again. He curled up the second his hands were free, holding onto the blanket protectively and defensively. A part of him wanted to sit up and punch Ushijima as hard as he could. Another part, the one that was active, just wanted to crawl to the corner of the room to be safe and alone.

Ushijima, unbothered by the lack of reply, scooped Oikawa up with ease, letting him hold onto the thick blanket. In fact, he even wrapped it around the setter and murmured something about it being cold this time of the year. Oikawa didn’t listen, busy blocking out the fact that he was being carried by his stalker and rapist. Busy blocking out the fact that he was weak and pathetic and disgusting and ruined. His mind only had space for one thing.

_Monday._

X

Like most Saturdays, Iwaizumi went on a regular morning run. Or well, morning was perhaps an overstatement. It was more like midday run. The sky was gray in a disappointing way, almost white, the colors lacking any kind of dramatic contrast. It was the harsh wind that instead brought any kind of significance to the otherwise dull day. However, windy weather was not ideal for running, and Iwaizumi only found himself scowling at the whipping gusts hitting his face.

Almost every Saturday, with only occasional exceptions, he and Oikawa would go running together and then have lunch at Iwaizumi’s place. The amount of time the two of them spent together was actually quite insane, now that Iwaizumi thought about it. Every day in school, most days after school, weekends… They had just grown up glued together and he had never questioned it. But now, when he ran up to what could be considered his second home, he realized how empty his life was without the annoying, arrogant teen constantly pestering him. How much of his life really revolved around him. How much he missed him.

Instead of walking up to the all-too-familiar steps and ringing on the doorbell, he looked at the front door with a firm frown. Oikawa hadn’t sent him a single text message since yesterday, not even an overdramatic, guilt-tripping message to the team group chat. Last time they had fought, Oikawa had spammed that group chat with how much he loved and adored everyone there, complimenting everyone thoroughly, except for Iwaizumi. It had been extremely petty and selfish, yet, it had worked. Iwaizumi had been insanely jealous at the lack of acknowledgment from the pretty boy.

This time there was only silence.

And funnily enough, it was way more effective than any petty messages or cold words.

The guilt ate at him, and so he continued running up the hill, past Oikawa’s house. He could almost feel how Oikawa sat indoors and glared holes at him through the curtains. He could almost hear those ridiculous alien documentaries he’d watch when upset. He could almost see how Oikawa rubbed his bad knee with a rough hand, which he always did when he was anxious. Iwaizumi knew Oikawa would need space to forgive him. This particular argument had been worse than usually. He had done the one thing Oikawa had asked him not to.

A part of Iwaizumi still felt like he had been in the right. All he had done, had been to look after his friend. But another part of Iwaizumi knew why he had been in the wrong. It hadn’t been his place to talk about Oikawa’s problems. Yet, the memories of Oikawa’s trembling body against that wall, Ushijima’s obsessive stares, the creepy card with Oikawa’s photos glued to it… Iwaizumi would still try to convince Oikawa to do something about this. Things had gone too far and Iwaizumi wanted to stop them before someone got hurt.

X

With the hood pulled over his head and his right hand and ankles cuffed to the chair, Oikawa stared at the plate before him. His eyes were blank, dark eyebags contrasting the otherwise youthful face. Across the table sat Ushijima, eating his meal with a content smile, as if he had been waiting for this moment his entire life. As if the two of them were some kind of sick family. It made Oikawa’s stomach churn uncomfortably and he clumsily pulled the hood of the hoodie further down to hide his forehead.

“I have been thinking”, Ushijima didn’t speak much, which was comfortable. Oikawa liked to pretend he wasn’t there. Preferred to succumb into his foggy mind and not feel a thing. But Ushijima didn’t let him, it seemed, pulling him out of that comfortable numbness with either his words or actions.

Oikawa couldn’t bear himself to say anything. He barely looked up from the plate, his strong, calculative eyes now shaky and defeated. His body ached and he felt dirty. Even after the shower he had been granted, he still felt wrong and uncomfortable. It was as if his body didn’t belong to him anymore, as if it was just an empty vessel that had been robbed by Ushijima. His damp hair lowered itself over his forehead, helping him hide his eyes from Ushijima’s piercing gaze.

“We should start calling each other by our first names. Because we made love”, Ushijima continued casually, picking up a piece of the grilled fish he had cooked with his chopsticks and chewing on it thoughtfully. His eyes didn’t leave Oikawa, his gaze obsessive, forceful, needy.

“You raped me”, Oikawa mumbled quietly and lowered his head even more. How could Ushijima call what had happened last night _making love?_ It had been horrible and violent. In an instant, Oikawa’s body was tense and cramping, and he shut his eyes to protect himself from this gruesome reality.

“If you say that, people will get the wrong idea, Tooru”, was Ushijima’s monotone reply. He almost seemed offended at such an accusation. Because in his mind, Oikawa had wanted it, begged for it, enjoyed it. Oikawa had been kicking and pushing at him, as if to say _chase for me, chase for me, chase for me._ He had done everything he possibly could to attract Ushijima. Of course, Ushijima had answered those pleas, it had been absolutely impossible to resist.

For less than a second, Oikawa lifted his defeated gaze and glared at Ushijima, his eyes burning with pure hatred and disgust. If he hadn’t been chained to the chair, he would have committed murder. He was pretty sure about that. Instead, he used his left hand and shoved the plate of food to the floor, causing it to shatter and all the of food to go to waste. He wasn’t going down this easily. He wasn’t going to play family with Ushijima. Ushijima would never be allowed that satisfaction.

“I hate your shitty cooking”, he hissed.

“You could have told me that instead of throwing it away”, Ushijima replied. He smiled softly, fond of Oikawa’s dramatic sides too. Sure, they could be a bother, but they were so different from his stoic mother, whose face only ever moved when she talked, and even that was rare. Oikawa’s face moved all the time, all kinds of expressions adorning his pretty features. Right now, he looked angry, Ushijima guessed. But that undeniable passion was burning in his eyes. Did he want Ushijima again?

The fact that Ushijima only smiled and stood up to clean the mess without getting the slightest bit upset only made Oikawa angrier. He tried kicking him again, but his feet were chained to the legs of the chair, and all he accomplished was pain in his own body. At a slight twist of his hip, he let out a pained whine, eyes burning in humiliation. Ushijima’s head snapped up at the cry to stare at him, his gaze wandering down to his hips.

“Are you still bleeding, Tooru?” Ushijima asked. There was a tinge of worry in his tone, barely noticeable but present. He had managed to gather the mess into a kitchen cloth and had tied it up. He then carried it to the kitchen and dumped it into the trash.

“I need a doctor”, Oikawa realized this could be a possible escape route as soon as he heard the tinge of worry in Ushijima’s voice. “It hurts and it’s… I’m losing blood”, he tried desperately, eyes wide and skin sickly pale. He had thrown up twice, the first time on the way to the shower, and the second time when seeing his own blood trail down his thighs when getting washed. He could try convincing Ushijima he was sick. “And-And I think I’m sick. Please. I need a doctor. Take me to the hospital.”

“Sick?” Ushijima walked over and gently grabbed Oikawa’s face, the latter flinching in response. “You do look pale.”

“Yes”, Oikawa stuttered while his gaze was lowered in despair. Was this it? Was this his way out? “You… You love me, right? Bring me to a hospital”, he was frantic, voice quivery and uncertain.

“But they would not _understand_ ”, Ushijima replied, planting a weird, almost robotic kiss on Oikawa’s forehead after pushing his damp hair aside. It was true, they wouldn’t. The only one who did, was Oikawa, and now he was hurt. There was no way someone who didn’t understand would be allowed close to his lover. “There is nothing to worry about. I can look after you. That is my duty as your boyfriend.”

“Ushiwaka, I need”, Oikawa kept tripping over his own words, squirming in his seat as if he tried to free himself from the cuffs. His left hand was gripping his own thigh hard, the tiny light of hope making him bruise himself in desperation. “I need a doctor. My head hurts so much. Hospital. I need to go to the hospital...!”

“Calm down Tooru”, his pleas were shut down, a firm pat on his shoulder making him jump in his seat. “I will bring you some medicine. Sit still.” With that, Ushijima wandered off towards the bathroom, leaving Oikawa whimpering on the chair.

“Ushiwaka...! Hospital...! I need the...!” Oikawa didn’t understand. He didn’t understand why he wasn’t listened to. If he was completely honest, he didn’t even understand why this had happened to begin with. His eyes swelled with tears once again and panicky sobs left his mouth at each exhale. He was losing his mind – usually he was in full control of his emotions and had no problem masking his discomfort. It was as if Ushijima had stolen that ability from him along with his body.

When Ushijima returned, he didn’t say a word. He only placed jars of medicine on the table, inspecting the labels on them carefully and systematically, all while keeping a firm look on his obsession. Next to the jars was an unopened chocolate bar, white chocolate and cherry flavor.

“Your favorite”, he said when he tried feeding Oikawa a piece of it. “And mine too.”

X

Oikawa had never waited for a Monday as much as he did this weekend. He lost count of the hours he spent in that cottage yet kept counting each second. It was as if he was in a constant sleep paralysis. He couldn’t move his body properly and he was exhausted all the time. His mind was slow and memories foggy, mixing into an undefined mess, like aquarelles dissolving in water. Everything that happened around him was chillingly terrifying, every small sound scaring him, every touch making him want to curl up. He just wanted home.

Ushijima didn’t talk a lot. But there was something mundane about the way he acted. He didn’t seem the slightest bothered by the fact that he was keeping his supposed boyfriend in handcuffs all the time. He didn’t seem worried when Oikawa moved away from him during the night. Instead, he acted as if they were married and this was their home. He kept using Oikawa’s first name, continued cooking them both meals and turned on the small TV to watch volleyball games. When he did speak, he spoke about Oikawa. Asked him how he was, told him he loved him, checked his temperature for fevers.

At this point, all Oikawa kept doing was wait for Monday. He blocked out whatever Ushijima did to him, sometimes not even feeling the rough hands on his body, his mind far, far away. Other times it hurt so much that no thought could rescue him. No matter how loudly he counted the passing seconds in his head, or out loud, he was forced to face it and feel it. Afterwards he’d black out and he wasn’t sure if he had fallen asleep or just gone inside his own head. Eventually he’d snap out of it and realize an hour or two had passed. At those times, he couldn’t help but to feel that Ushijima had defeated him in a way he’d never be able to get revenge on.

Right now, he was aware of himself though, a rare clarity pushing the fog inside his head aside. It was Sunday night and they lay next to each other on the futon. He had his back turned to Ushijima, his body limp and defeated, but his mind was restless and practicing an important conversation over and over again. He’d have to be tactical. Way more tactical than during any volleyball game against Ushijima. Thinking back at those games, at how passionately he had cared about them and fought for them, he almost wanted to snort at his own stupidity. All these years a beast had been sleeping right before his eyes, a beast hungry for his flesh. And somehow, Oikawa had awoken him.

It was distant yet vivid, the first confession. The one thing that had started it all. He recalled his own voice laughing it off, his own voice telling Iwaizumi that it had been satisfying to turn Ushijima down in front of everyone. Next, he heard Iwaizumi’s voice, filled with concern as it told him to contact the coaches, told him to talk about this. His own voice yelled angrily in reply, scolding Iwaizumi for being overdramatic and for betraying his trust. Finally, he heard Iwaizumi’s last words to him.

_I’m not sorry for what I did._

In an instant, his chest started hurting and Iwaizumi appeared right in front of him, holding him in his large arms. The faint noise of that familiar clock ticked in Oikawa’s ear, the comfortable pace soothing and homely. Iwaizumi’s forest-like smell filled his nostrils and calming words were spoken in his ear. _You can do anything you set your mind to._ His mind was just so, so tired. Soon it wouldn’t be able to do a single thing.

In a blink of an eye, the arms around Oikawa’s waist were back to those of the beast. He struggled to control himself, knowing he couldn’t mess this up. He practiced a bit more inside of his head, weighing and chewing on the words, carefully, analytically, manipulatively.

Oikawa didn’t talk a lot. That was to say, the _real_ Oikawa didn’t talk a lot, the one that only seemed to show himself in front of Ushijima. Ushijima felt special. He knew for a fact that Oikawa never was like this with anyone else. With anyone else he would always be running his mouth, be sarcastic, be playful, be loud. But none of those attributes were fully honest, were they? Because, like Ushijima, Oikawa was a forgotten child. And forgotten children weren’t happy and loud. This was exactly why they were meant for each other. Glad that Oikawa dared to show his vulnerable side to him, he slowly reached around his smaller frame and grabbed his hand. The setter flinched in response but then settled down again, lost in his own thoughts. Ushijima understood. Oikawa had a lot to think about.

The warmth of Oikawa’s hand immediately brought Ushijima back to his father. It was the exact same warmth. It had taught him love. It had shown him that it wasn’t completely hopeless and useless to strive after it. But then it had disappeared with the signature of divorce papers and he had been left alone with a mother who forgot, ignored, hated. The second time he had felt that warmth had been when he had been offered a cherry-tasting chocolate bar after a school festival. And now, that he had the warmth back in his palm, the orange color swelling inside his chest, filling his irises, he wasn’t letting it go. He squeezed Oikawa’s hand possessively.

“Wakatoshi”, Oikawa suddenly spoke up and used his first name, his voice soft and vulnerable. Ushijima pressed his lips against the back of his neck in response, inhaling his scent. The orange warmth expanded inside of him at the fragrance. “This has been a… lovely trip… But I should head back home. I have school in the morning.”

Oikawa thought he had phrased it well. His tone had stayed well-meaning and kind the entire time, not a single drop of venom drippling through. He was honestly impressed with himself. But this was no time to relax, and he held his breath in anticipation as he waited for a response. _I can’t take it anymore. Let me go home. I’ve been strong until now, but I can’t do it any longer. I’ll actually break._

Ushijima was quiet. The orange that had been expanding so nicely inside of him began fading, darkness replacing it at each corner it left unoccupied. Swiftly, he squeezed Oikawa’s hand tighter, desperate to regain it. “You’re still sick. You should stay here, with me.”

“I feel better, thanks to you”, Oikawa did his best not to let the panic wash over his steady tone. “I’ll… come visit you after school”, it was an empty promise of course, but when had Ushijima ever been able to see through lies? Oikawa wouldn’t back down.

“You’re not leaving”, Ushijima’s voice was low and primal, as if he was growling. Oikawa couldn’t keep himself together and flinched, trying to pull his hand away from the captive grip.

“Yes, I think I am. I have school tomorrow”, Oikawa did his best to sound firm and strong. But the second he felt the weight behind him shift and roll on top of him, he froze. His stomach was pressed to the mattress and Ushijima’s body was against his back. He grabbed the sheets beneath him, starting to pull himself forwards, wiggling away from the heavy weight. “Exams…” he didn’t know what he was trying to say.

“ _You’re not abandoning me, Tooru_ ”, each word was uttered with cold rage. A violent grip on his hips brought him back towards Ushijima, his head being shoved down on the pillow seconds later. “You’re _mine_ ”, the growling beast behind Oikawa bared its fangs as it spoke.

“I’m yours but I have school”, Oikawa whimpered, not giving up. He tried turning his head back to look at Ushijima, forcing a smile. “I’m not abandoning you, I promise.” It physically hurt when he tried pulling the corners of his mouth upwards. “Let’s go home together”, his lips were quivering, his eyes teary, but despite it all, he managed to pull it off, his plastic smile. The same one he always used to get out of trouble.

Ushijima stared down at the smile before him. The warm orange. There it was, on Oikawa’s face. A large hand trailed down to his waist and pushed the T-shirt up, exposing his light skin. There it was again, on his body. It was inside of Oikawa. Ushijima needed it. His father’s smile flashed before his eyes, telling him to be careful and to look after his mother. Ushijima had lost it once. He was never going to lose it again. So he grabbed his warmth and shoved it hard against the futon, trapping it beneath him.

“I’m never losing you again”, he whispered into Oikawa’s neck. “I’m never letting you go again.”

Eager hands wanted more of the warmth. They pushed away the clothes that hid it, exposing the fair skin that seemed to contain it right beneath the fickle surface. The veins pulsated in orange, appearing glimmering and magical. The bearer of the warmth squirmed and struggled, as if to say, _this is an obstacle, a challenge, chase after me and you’ll be rewarded._

X

To be completely honest, Iwaizumi hadn’t expected Oikawa to walk with him to school that day. When they fought, Oikawa would head to school ridiculously early only to make sure he wouldn’t bump into Iwaizumi on the way. It was childish and it was annoying. But at the same time, it wasn’t the end of the world. Tracking down Oikawa in school was always easier after all. That was why, when he in the morning found himself walking to school alone, he only plugged his ears with music, not feeling the slightest bit more anxious at the lack of his friend’s presence.

What he hadn’t expected, however, was that Oikawa didn’t show up at all. Surely, he wasn’t that bratty and dramatic. Or was he? No, wait, perhaps he wasn’t being silly the slightest, but simply scared to face the coaches. Were the coaches mad at him? Were they mad at Iwaizumi?

The entirety of the first class in the morning went past him. Instead of following the math formulas the teacher wrote on the blackboard, he gave in to his urge to text Oikawa and sent his childhood friend dozens of messages. The first ones only asked him where he was. The next ones accused him of being an overdramatic idiot. The last few ones were long and apologetic, admitting defeat and begging for forgiveness. The very last one confessed he missed him.

The horror that washed over Iwaizumi when he saw Oikawa hadn’t been online since Friday night was inexplainable. Had Oikawa blocked his contact? He ignored the cheerful chattering that the break between classes had brought with it, almost getting offended that people were having fun when he was in the midst of a crisis. The sun that shone through the windowpanes and onto his face merely felt bothersome as he wanted to see his phone screen better. He went through all of Oikawa’s social media accounts. He wasn’t blocked on any of them as he could still see them all, but the pretty boy hadn’t posted anything either.

He mostly stayed to himself until lunch break, when Hanamaki and Matsukawa cornered him and insisted on eating lunch together. Or, well, the four of them always ate lunch together. Except, today there were three, the loudest one among them missing. His absence affected Iwaizumi more than he had imagined it to. Hanamaki and Matsukawa only welcomed it, often complaining over how much Oikawa talked about himself. For these two, today was a rare chance to have normal, mature conversations. Yet, when they sat down with their lunch boxes, they couldn’t help but to miss a certain someone who would rudely steal their desserts.

“So, where is our dear captain today, vice-captain?” Hanamaki was the first one to address the elephant in the room. So far, their conversations had circled around a cute girl from another class, whom Matsukawa apparently had a secret crush on.

“I honestly don’t know”, Iwaizumi admitted, sounding slightly defeated. He could see how the teasing duo exchanged a confused glance. It made him feel ashamed, as if he should have known. Well, he should have, shouldn’t he? Normally he would have. Normally Oikawa would have texted him first thing in the morning.

“Huh, well that’s a first. You two are like an old married couple”, Matsukawa commented. “Did you have a fight or something? You guys always stick together.”

“Yeah, I was going to ask you why you aren’t at home nursing your sick boyfriend”, Hanamaki snickered.

“Shut it”, Iwaizumi grumbled at Hanamaki, not thinking much about the teasing comment. Instead, Matsukawa’s question stuck with him. He lowered his gaze a bit, which was unusual for him. He wasn’t the kind who backed away from confrontation or problems. But this time he felt different.

“Ah, so you did have a fight”, Matsukawa was creepily good at reading Iwaizumi’s moods it seemed. “What was it this time? Did he get a new haircut and you didn’t notice or?”

Iwaizumi didn’t reply, only delivering a dark glare at Matsukawa’s stupid guess. Hanamaki blinked, mistaking the scowl for something else.

“Wait… Really? That was it?” Hanamaki gaped. He had always known Oikawa was dramatic but that was too much, even for him.

“No, no. This time it was my fault, completely”, Iwaizumi groaned. He exhaled sharply through his nose in frustration and buried his face in his palms. “Fuck. Fuck this. I think he blocked my contact on LINE.”

“Oh, this is serious then”, Hanamaki almost felt bad for joking about this earlier. Almost.

“I never thought the day where Iwaizumi actually made Oikawa upset would come”, Matsukawa commented sarcastically. Oikawa did get upset over the tiniest things, like haircuts and lack of replies to his messages, but he would just whine about it for an afternoon and then move on.

“Guys. This isn’t funny”, Iwaizumi glared at them again. Then he hit himself in the forehead, creating a loud smack noise in the process. “And he’s home alone too. And Ushiwaka knows where he lives. If something happens…”

“Woah, woah, woah”, Hanamaki’s hands gestured for Iwaizumi to calm down. “You’re totally spiraling. Let’s think about this logically. There is no way Oikawa will stay angry at you for more than a week.”

“Makki is right”, Matsukawa smiled. “Oikawa can’t live without you. Haven’t you seen how lost he is when you guys fight? He has friends everywhere but still looks so lonely.”

“Exactly”, Hanamaki nodded seriously, now having his arms crossed. He almost looked like a serious businessman at a top-secret meeting. “And about that Ushiwaka-thing… What would he even do? Break in and kidnap Oikawa?” he chuckled.

“Yeah, listen to yourself man”, Matsukawa said. “You’re so stressed about this Ushiwaka-thing. You sure it isn’t jealousy?”

“Haha, as if”, Iwaizumi muttered. He did listen to his friends’ words though. They were right. He was probably just spiraling. Oikawa would unblock his number soon. Oikawa would come back to school soon. Iwaizumi was being overdramatic. Fuck, Oikawa’s overdramatic behavior had really rubbed off on him, hadn’t it?

“No seriously dude. Do you have a thing for Oikawa or not?” Matsukawa continued, suddenly dead-serious. He was leaning over the table, voice lowered to not make their conversation all too public. This was a sensitive topic after all.

“Yeah, we’re dying to know”, Hanamaki nodded his head fast and curiously. “’Cuz there is no other explanation for someone to tolerate him as much as you do.”

“Huh?” Iwaizumi frowned. Thing for Oikawa? Thing for _Oikawa?_ Did he have a thing for _Oikawa-I’m-annoying-the-shit-out-of-you-Tooru?_ No. No way. No fucking way. “…Obviously not”, the reply came slowly and hesitantly.

“Oh my god”, Hanamaki coughed out, his lips twitching into a mischievous smile. “Mattsun, look, Iwaizumi is bright red!”

“I knew it”, Matsukawa threw his hands up in the air, nose lifted arrogantly. “I fucking knew it. I give you guys my blessing as long as you don’t mess around in the club room.”

“I said I _don’t_ like him!” Iwaizumi grumbled, unaware of the deep shade of red on his cheeks. His heart was suddenly beating fast and his chest felt tight. The familiar, warm swelling in his chest was back, the one that had been going on for a while now. The one that made him happy in a silly and tingly way. Why? Why was he reacting like this? They were talking about Shitty-Oikawa, Shittykawa. 

“Hey, man, it’s okay”, Hanamaki was laughing. “We don’t judge. Go get him before Ushiwaka does!”

“I _don’t_ like him!”

“Today marks the day Iwaizumi became a liar.”

“I’m _not_ lying!”

X

The shadows of the naked tree branches danced around on the old, pale walls. Eerie yet entertaining. Sometimes the shadows lined up perfectly with some of the faint cracks in the paintwork on the walls. The more it happened, the more cracks could be noticed. Eventually there were enough of them to see whole patterns. Some patterns were organic, soft, smooth. Others were industrial, geometric, sharp.

Ushijima had gone to school that morning. Oikawa had not. He lay on the futon, staring at the shadows, the cracks, the patterns. There was nothing to do. His hands were restrained to the wall. It was hard to even drink from the plastic water bottle he had been given. It was hard to sit up properly. But he still did so at times. He still tugged and tugged on the cuffs, hoping one of his attempts would be enough. None of them were.

_So, this is it then. This is what I’ll be doing. No Argentina, no volleyball, no nephews. Just cracks in the walls._

He could almost feel the levels of insanity raise inside his head with each second that passed. He was so bored. He was so tired. He was so trapped. When people talked about how cruel zoos were, he had always thought they were overexaggerating. Could it really be that bad to be locked in somewhere? Those animals got food everyday after all. Now he understood. It was that bad, it was worse.

Behind the comfortable silence was a faint, drippling anxiety. If something was to happen now, he would be helpless. If a fire started, if a tree fell down over the house, if an earthquake occurred… He would just die. Just wilt away, silent and unnoticed. He wouldn’t be able to call for help. He wouldn’t even be able to defend himself or escape.

The thought terrified him. And the fact that he almost, _almost,_ waited for Ushijima to come back terrified him even more.

Ushijima. Oikawa hated him much more than he had realized a human was capable of hating someone. And he feared him just as much. Ushijima was unstable, it was as clear as those cracks in the wall, and seemed to in full honesty believe that Oikawa was his boyfriend. It was impossible to know why he thought this, and to be frank, Oikawa didn’t care either. He just wanted it all to end.

Memories of last night, of Oikawa asking to go home, appeared into his vision like needles sticking into his eyes. Unpleasant, painful, nauseating. He felt disgusting all over again. He hadn’t even gotten to shower this morning, so the cold sweat and semen were still sticking to his body. He curled up mutely, staring at the shadows on the light walls.

Tomorrow he would bargain for free hands.

X

“Iwaizumi, a word please?” Irihata approached Iwaizumi in the hallway right after the last afternoon class. The head coach looked serious, but a well-meaning smile rested on his elderly features.

“Ah, yes sir, of course”, Iwaizumi swallowed in the middle of his sentence, making it sound odd and shaky. He had forgotten all about this. After the conversation with Matsukawa and Hanamaki at lunch break, his mind had been occupied with trying to figure out if he had a crush on his best friend or not. The fact that Oikawa was pissed at him because he had called Shiratorizawa’s head coach had been pushed right out of his head.

“Don’t look so worried”, Irihata chuckled, gesturing for Iwaizumi to come join him in the meeting room. “No one is mad at you.”

“Yes”, Iwaizumi nodded sternly and entered the room. He couldn’t help the nervousness that washed over him despite Irihata’s calming words. Someone was mad at him after all.

“I understand. You were looking out for a friend. And in a way, you did the right thing”, Irihata began. “But calling Washijou-sensei at that hour…” he crossed his arms and shook his head. “And without Oikawa’s consent… Well, you could have been more tactful.”

“I know that”, Iwaizumi mumbled. Nervousness was swiftly replaced with guilt. “I apologize.”

“No, no, don’t apologize”, Irihata was quick to wave the apology away with his hand. “I’m just worried. Is Ushijima still bothering Oikawa?”

Iwaizumi hesitated. He was stuck in a limbo. Oikawa had told him not to say anything, had repeatedly said he didn’t want to make a big issue out of anything. And Iwaizumi had seen the reaction he had gotten from breaking his promises to stay silent. But at the same time, here he was, being inquired by his head coach, a man he couldn’t find himself lying to. He clenched his fists in frustration. And then he gave in.

“He is”, he lifted his gaze with a firm nod, eyes saying _yes, yes, he is, please help Oikawa out._

“I see… Has…” Irihata coughed awkwardly, obviously bothered and uncomfortable by what he was going to ask. “Has something like after our game against Karasuno happened again?”

“Not to my knowledge”, Iwaizumi hesitated. “But… He sent Oikawa a strange letter.”

“Letter?” Irihata arched his eyebrows.

“I can show you, sir. It worried me”, Iwaizumi admitted. He dug out his his phone from the pocket of his pants. Awkwardly fumbling with it, he scrolled though his and Oikawa’s conversation for a short while before he found it. “This kind of letter.”

“Hmm”, Irihata’s brows now came together into a serious frown while he looked at the phone screen. “And Oikawa still doesn’t want to make a complaint?”

“No, sir. Oikawa doesn’t even want to tell you”, Iwaizumi admitted. He felt cold at betraying Oikawa’s trust again. At the same time, the coldness he felt was probably inevitable. If he didn’t speak up about this, things could get out of hand. He never wanted Oikawa to be trapped in same the way he had been after the match against Karasuno. He never wanted to see Oikawa shaky and scared like that again.

“Alright”, Irihata rubbed his chin worriedly. “I don’t know what I can do without his permission, but… I will definitely keep my eyes open. And I trust you to come to me if something happens, Iwaizumi.”

“Yes”, Iwaizumi nodded, almost bowing in gratitude at the trust he was given. This one he would not betray.

“You’re good kids, both of you. I wouldn’t want to see either of you get hurt.”

X

Thanks to Hanamaki and Matsukawa, Iwaizumi didn’t spend the rest of his day stressing about whether Oikawa would be forgiving him or not. No, he had something completely new to panic over. Did he or did he not have a crush on his childhood best friend Oikawa Tooru?

He wasn’t sure. In a way, he had always felt warm and happy around Oikawa. Of course he had, they were best friends. He was aware that the two of them were a bit of a comical duo – Oikawa was silly, whimsical and two-faced while Iwaizumi was steady, honest and straight-forward. But their differences were what made them work so well together. When Iwaizumi got caught in a dull, rule-obeying world, Oikawa would appear and challenge his views. When Oikawa became too inconsiderate and arrogant with his approach to others, Iwaizumi was there to ground him.

It had always been like that. A balanced yet adventurous friendship.

But when, _when,_ had Oikawa’s eyes suddenly gone from just normal human eyes to endless galaxies that captivated Iwaizumi? How had his genuine smile become able to pull at Iwaizumi’s heart? Why were his teasing comments now adorable and funny instead of a pure pain in the ass? Iwaizumi didn’t understand. He just didn’t. The more he tried to wrap his head around it, the more he realized he had been harboring these weird feelings for Oikawa much longer than he had known.

Just a few months ago, Oikawa had still been dating girls! And Iwaizumi had never even been jealous! Yet, he couldn’t pretend that the same affection towards Oikawa hadn’t been present back then as well. Hell, it had probably always been present. How had he never noticed? How had he never questioned why he couldn’t picture a future without Oikawa at his side? Wait, did he want a future with Oikawa? As in _get married with_ Oikawa?

He was spiraling, taking frustrated strides around the living room at home. His parents were still at work and his twin-sisters were at school. Good. He needed space to panic over this in peace. Now he didn’t even want Oikawa to text him anymore. Because what would he reply? _Hello, I think I have been in love with you for the past ten years so marry me?_ Oikawa would call the police on him.

“Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck. How can I be this dumb?”, he mumbled to himself, walking circles around the couch. “Oikawa Tooru. Seriously, Oikawa fucking Tooru. He’s like the _worst_ person to fall for!” he pulled at his hair. “But still I did! Or did I? I did. No. Yes. No. Yes. Argh!”

Just in the midst of his angry shout, the doorbell rang. He blinked, a bit embarrassed at how he just had shouted out like that. The person behind the door hadn’t heard that, right? He cleared his throat before heading to open the door. He was pretty certain it was one of the neighborhood kids asking if his sisters were at home and wanted to come play.

He was wrong, because on the other side of the door stood Oikawa’s mother.

“Hello, Hajime-kun”, her voice was shaky, anxious, worried. And so were the large hazelnut eyes. In other words, nothing had changed. The middle-aged woman in front of Iwaizumi was almost as tall as him, which of course, didn’t bother him the slightest. Not one bit. Not at all. Okay, perhaps he would have liked one more centimeter of height. Or three.

“Auntie”, Iwaizumi smiled awkwardly. Oikawa Kaoru wasn’t an unpleasant individual, but her ever-so anxious atmosphere always rubbed off on him. She just worried so much about everything all the time. It was certainly a handful. “You came back early.”

“I did, I was planning on coming next week but”, Kaoru’s smile was faker than Oikawa’s, her constant worry drippling right through the upwards curve of her plump lips. “Well, it doesn’t matter. I am here now. Anyway, is Tooru here?”

“Uh, no..?” Iwaizumi murmured, perplexed. Wait, so Oikawa wasn’t at home?

“Ah… They kept calling his phone, those… those people from the elementary school volleyball club”, Kaoru gently placed her hand on her cheeks, looking as if she was about to panic at not remembering the name of her son’s workplace. “Apparently he never showed up… And his phone was on the kitchen floor… So, I thought-“, she took a deep shaky breath. “I was sure he had come here and had just dropped his phone.”

“Well, he’s not here”, Iwaizumi’s mouth suddenly felt dry. “And he wasn’t in school today either. I thought he was sick”, an innocent lie to protect Kaoru from their dumb drama.

“Not in school?” if possible, her pale face grew even whiter. As if her face was nothing but a thin sheet of paper.

“Actually”, he swallowed in attempt to calm the uncomfortable dryness in his throat, “I haven’t seen him since Friday.”

“Since Friday?” Kaoru’s voice cracked. “Then… Where could he be?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... idk what to say really :D
> 
> please leave a comment!! <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sfjkadnfhkjadb OKAY SO  
> I didn't realize how long these chapters are becoming D: like I've had these ideas for a while and I thought they'd be like 1-2 chapters at most but now I have been forced to separate them into 3-4 chapters. SO PLEASE bare with me! I know things look gloomy atm BUT they're gonna get better!
> 
> ALSO WAH thank you everyone who is reading and commenting!! it seriously warms my heart so much !! <3
> 
> WARNING: suicide mentions (no attempt, just mentioned in this chapter)
> 
> please enjoy!!

Nakamura Kaoru never wanted to have children. She didn’t want to have children the day she met the love of her life Oikawa Yousuke. She didn’t want children the day she married him and took his surname. He was aware and never pressured her. As a matter of fact, he never even spoke about having children around her. Not even a soft wish of holding a newborn baby was uttered in their small apartment in Sendai.

Despite that, Kaoru had seen the affection in her husband’s eyes when he handled children. How doting and caring he would get around the toddlers of his colleagues. Warm laughter would come through his kind lips, gentle like a curious, rippling stream opening up in the spring. In his eyes an entire galaxy of brilliant stars would unfold, opening up new horizons Kaoru only ever had dreamed of.

That was why, despite the fact that she never wanted to have children, she decided to give her husband that joy. The day her firstborn came to the world, she still hadn’t wanted a child. Miyoko was a healthy, normal baby and everyone around their small family gave the newborn compliments on how beautiful she was. Kaoru never saw it. All she saw was a wrinkly thing that screamed. But she also saw the love her husband harbored, and that was enough for her to love Miyoko.

Kaoru never experienced that natural, universal bond mothers are supposed to have with their newborns. She only looked at her daughter and saw Yousuke. But it didn’t matter. Yousuke had never been happier, his joy filling their two-bedroom apartment at every corner. He took care of it all as if he had been created for parenting. He could distinguish Miyoko’s screams, knew which ones were cries of hunger, which ones cries for attention. Kaoru was so grateful and found herself lost in the sight of her husband cradling their child with so much care and love that his outlines almost cracked.

It all worked out perfectly. Kaoru’s worries about parenting were always soothed by a confident, skilled Yousuke. Together they got their gorgeous Miyoko to grow up into a polite, intelligent little lady. Luckily, the older Miyoko got, the easier Kaoru found it to parent her. The last years before having her second child, Kaoru had actually loved spending time with her daughter, the odd tension and awkwardness she had felt towards Miyoko when she had been a toddler fully gone.

Yet, Yousuke had wanted a second child. Again, no verbal wishes had been spoken. But Kaoru had known her husband better than she knew the back of her own hand. And so, despite having put that chapter behind her, she gave birth to her second child nine years after giving birth to Miyoko. The day Tooru was born, Kaoru regretted pleasing her husband. It had been a difficult, painful pregnancy that ended with a complicated delivery. Tooru was healthy and strong but born slightly premature. Kaoru had hoped and prayed to this time feel the motherly bond she was supposed to. But again, nothing, and her love towards Tooru stemmed from the love Yousuke had for his son.

The first month of Tooru’s life was peaceful. Yousuke stayed at home and Kaoru’s mother had moved in to help with taking care of a nine-year-old Miyoko. Kaoru didn’t have to do much, spending most of her days trying to see the beauty and wonders everyone else saw in Tooru. She never did, but Yousuke did, and that was enough.

The peace ended with a crash of a truck driving into Yousuke’s car.

After a shocking phone call, Kaoru was left alone with a baby she never even had wanted. A screaming, helpless thing she didn’t understand and felt awkward around. Her footsteps grew so heavy she barely left the bed. Tooru’s cries echoed in the apartment until Miyoko went to pick her baby brother up. Kaoru missed Yousuke every second of the day, every step to the kitchen, every breath she exhaled. For years, there wasn’t a single day she didn’t cry.

Tooru grew up in a valley of sorrow. Forgotten and attention-starved, he became a horrible little toddler. He screamed for attention and was impatient and violent. This only made Kaoru even less fond of her own son. She didn’t have the patience to pick up the milk bottle every time Tooru pushed it to the floor. Instead, she eventually stood up from the kitchen table and left Tooru alone until he started behaving.

The person who ended up being Tooru’s parent was neither Yousuke nor Kaoru, but Miyoko. Miyoko, a nine-year-old child, had more patience with a baby than a full-grown Kaoru had. The shame she felt at this realization only made it even harder for her to pick up her exhausted body and face her family.

Kaoru tried her best. She knew she had to. Not only that, but she also truly wanted to. She wanted to love her children and support them. Yet, there were still too many days where Miyoko was the one who brought Tooru to kindergarten. Too many days Kaoru stared at photos of Yousuke and forgot to pick her son up from preschool. Too many days she let her depression get in the way of being a mother to her children. And she heard the whispers around the neighborhood, saw how the mothers at Miyoko’s school stared and judged.

When Tooru was about to start elementary school, Kaoru had enough and moved from the city center of Sendai out to Aoba-ku. A peaceful, cozy neighborhood close to the local schools was found. Close enough for Miyoko and Tooru to walk on their own to school. Kaoru could breathe out for the first time since Yousuke had passed away.

Still, she struggled with parenting. And it was evident from the angry smiles Tooru would flash her way. Smiles that were taunting, mischievous, mean. _You’re not my mother,_ they seemed to say. Miyoko was more forgiving, but her smiles were distant too. Proud, determined, independent. The fifteen-year-old Miyoko was already used to parenting and knew her little brother inside out, better than Kaoru did. Embarrassment washed over Kaoru like cruel, cold waves when she packed her son lunchboxes and Miyoko gently removed the tomatoes, murmuring that Tooru was allergic to them.

At his new school Tooru befriended Hajime, a steady, kind boy who lived in the neighborhood. Hajime’s parents didn’t judge Kaoru and instead looked after Tooru like a second son. The first few years of this new chapter in his life, Tooru was very firm and resolute to replace Kaoru with his newfound family. When, on occasion, his mother had good days and tried to fix their broken relationship, he’d push her away and run over to the Iwaizumi’s.

These past few years, Tooru’s smiles had changed from mean to understanding. The seventeen-year-old Tooru didn’t push his mother away, but neither reached out. Instead, his eyes were calm and gentle. When Kaoru forgot the name of his workplace or mixed up his dreams to go to Argentina with Brazil, he only chuckled kindly. _It’s alright mom, I’m okay, I know you did your best, but I can look after myself,_ his laugher meant. Fragments of Yousuke would flutter in her eyesight, ice cracking in a spring river.

Kaoru did still try. But lately she had been a coward. The awkwardness between her and Tooru was undeniable. Over the quiet meals painfully clumsy conversations took place. Tooru tried too, it was obvious, but it was also clear he felt just as embarrassed and hesitant over their relationship. Instead of warm hugs, Kaoru left money on the table for her son, as some sort of peace offering. With Tooru, it felt like that was all she was able to give him – financial support.

Eventually Kaoru looked for excuses. It all had started with her mother falling ill. She had traveled out to the countryside to look after her elderly parents, trusting her son to be able to look after himself. Out in the tranquil, surrounded by the fresh forest, she was able to breathe out years of tension a broken bond had caused. Selfishly, she soke out for this peace over and over again, weekend trips slowly becoming week-long, and eventually she was gone for a month at a time. Tooru never complained, the distant, polite smile on his lips when his mother waved him goodbye at the front door.

Beneath the fickle, cracked surface of their relationship still pulsated warm affection. Kaoru loved Tooru in her own way. Each day when she woke up in her childhood bedroom, she would think of her children, and wonder why her motherly bond was showing up twenty-six years too late. The photos of Yousuke she had looked at daily were slowly replaced with Miyoko’s bright smile on her wedding day and Tooru’s charming grin at his school photo. She knew that the surface she had cracked with years of neglect never would be smooth again. That was why reaching out never became easy. That was why she chose to turn away from the shame, humiliation, pain.

But when she did come home to find her son, her Tooru, missing, she did what any mother would. The universal bond was hammering in her heart, burning in her tears, drippling in her tone.

“Good day, this is Oikawa Kaoru speaking”, she kept her voice steady. She had always been good at faking smiles and small talk. A skill she unwillingly had passed on to both of her children, but especially her son. “I would like to report a missing person.”

Across the dinner table sat an anxious, fidgety Iwaizumi. He had called everyone he knew Oikawa was in contact with. And no one, not a single soul, not even Oikawa’s big sister Miyoko, had seen him since Friday. It appeared that the last person to have spoken with Oikawa was Iwaizumi himself. Their uncharacteristically serious argument echoed in his mind. Was he the cause behind Oikawa’s disappearance?

The soft hums that Kaoru spoke were distant and muffled in his mind. He swallowed hard, suppressing the nervousness rising from his chest up to his throat. Why had Oikawa disappeared just when Iwaizumi had started to understand his feelings towards him? It felt like some kind of cruel joke. Somewhere a wicked god was probably heckling at him, mean chuckles resonating inside his brain.

“Hajime-kun”, Kaoru addressed him once the phone call had ended. Her eyes, that looked way too familiar to Oikawa’s, were wet. But she didn’t shed a tear, keeping herself strong. “The police officer suggested we travel down to the station to give them further information about the situation…”

“Auntie”, Iwaizumi breathed out. He hadn’t told her he and Oikawa had fought on Friday. He had only said they had studied together. But he had to tell her, didn’t he? The guilt inside him threatened to spill over completely. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for?” she stood up, trembling hands gathering her belongings into her purse.

“I had a fight with Oikawa on Friday”, Iwaizumi couldn’t look her in the eyes, so he didn’t. He looked down at his hands, rubbing his knuckles with his thumb anxiously. “It’s… probably my fault he’s gone.”

“Fight?” the word came with a tone that almost sounded alien. “What happened?” Hajime and Tooru never really fought, as far as she was concerned. Or if they did, they made up the same day.

“It was all my fault”, Iwaizumi still kept his gaze lowered, feeling like he was the reason to her son disappearing. “There is… Well”, he tried to find the right words. “There is this guy who has been acting kind of weird.”

“Guy?” Kaoru sat back down, pushing her purse aside. She had heard nothing about this. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise considering she had been out in the countryside for so long, but it still did. What had been happening in her son’s life the past month?

“Yea, he’s a volleyball player from another school”, once again, he was betraying the same trust that had angered Oikawa to begin with. This time he didn’t speak up because he felt Kaoru could help, instead, he spoke up because he felt so guilty and scared over this situation. With these emotions surfacing, his mouth acted on its own. “He confessed his love to Oikawa a while back and we kinda laughed at it. But then he just… kept reappearing.”

Kaoru frowned, worried. “Reappearing?”

Iwaizumi nodded. “Over and over again. It went too far a few times… At one time the coaches…” he trailed off awkwardly. The words died in his throat when he realized he was about to tell a mother that her son had been sexually harassed.

“Hajime”, she dropped the honorific, trying to coax the teenager across the table to open up. Something was going on with her son, and even if she wasn’t close with him, she wouldn’t let anyone harm him either. “You can tell me.”

“He harassed Oikawa, had him trapped against the wall”, Iwaizumi’s eyes darted up for a fraction of a second to watch her reaction before his gaze lowered itself again. “Mizoguchi-sensei had to interfere and… It wasn’t… Oikawa said he was okay, but I don’t think he was. And then there was that weird card”, he blurted it all out.

Kaoru’s lips tightened into a thin line as she listened. With her jaw tensed, she drew in calming breaths. While she had been hiding from an awkward atmosphere out in the countryside, her son had been going through something terrible all on his own. He must have been scared alone, not knowing who to turn to. Trapped and lost.

“I see”, she kept her tone soft, not wanting any anger to spill over in case it’d make Iwaizumi feel guilty.

“And then I kinda… uh”, he rubbed his forehead nervously, “I kinda called the coach of the school this guy goes to. Told the coach to talk with him so that he’d stop. Oikawa found out and he was really mad at me. I’m very sorry. I thought I was helping but I probably just made everything worse.”

“Please, Hajime, don’t apologize”, Kaoru soothed him immediately. She could tell how nervous and scared Iwaizumi was, the teenager practically tense of worry. “You did absolutely nothing wrong. I was the one… I should have been here”, she admitted reluctantly. “If anyone is at fault here, then it is me.”

“No, it’s”, Iwaizumi didn’t know what he was trying to say, because he found himself agreeing with her. She should have been there as Oikawa’s mother. She should have never even left to begin with. Hell, she shouldn’t have spent Oikawa’s birthdays in her bed when Oikawa had been a child. But there was no point in thinking about what they should or shouldn’t have done. The results were the same.

Oikawa was missing.

X

_It is the first day of elementary school. A bright April morning, spring awakening nature with gentle blossoms and hesitant sunlight. A bright blue sky stretches over the endless surface above him, not a single cloud in sight. He is a bit nervous, but also prideful. He wants to go to school on his own, like a real man._

_Behind him, eager steps approach. They have been following him for a while, but he has been ignoring them. Now they are right next to him and impossible to ignore._

_“Hello! You’re wearing the same uniform as me!” it’s a boy about Iwaizumi’s age. They are the same height, but the boy before him is scrawnier and paler._

_“Yes”, Iwaizumi replies hesitantly. This means they go to the same school._

_“I’m Oikawa Tooru! You can call me Oikawa”, the boy continues with an excited grin. He’s snotty and has messy hair. But he looks like a cherry blossom bud that has yet to bloom, Iwaizumi thinks._

_“I’m Iwaizumi Hajime”, Iwaizumi says, feeling less nervous at having a companion for his tough and long adventure to school. “Nice to meet you”, he adds politely._

_“Iwaizumi”, Oikawa repeats, snot still running down his nose. He sniffles a bit before his grin becomes even wider. “You live somewhere close? We just moved to the neighborhood last week, so you’re my first friend here”, he rambles on, apparently not knowing how to filter a single thing._

_“I do, I live down the street”, for whatever reason, Iwaizumi finds himself entertained at this weirdo._

_“Really?! Can I come over after school today?” Oikawa asks as if they have known each other for years. It’s so impolite and sudden that it makes Iwaizumi gape._

_“What?! Hasn’t anyone taught you manners? If you wanna play after school, you should invite me to your house!” Iwaizumi scolds him. Suddenly he feels older than six. Maybe one hundred._

_“You can’t come to my house though!” Oikawa almost whines._

_“And why is that?”_

_“Well, it’s really complicated”, he sighs, “but you see, my dad is an astronaut who lives on the moon and he keeps aliens in our guest room. It’s top-secret information, not even mom can go in there! Only I can.”_

_“I don’t believe you”, Iwaizumi hesitates because Oikawa sounds so genuine when he says it._

_“It’s true! I would show you, but then my dad would never forgive me!” Oikawa whines again._

_“…What color are those aliens”, curiosity beats his sense of suspicion. “Not that I believe in them…”_

_“You should! One of them is bright yellow and shiny, kind of like-“, Oikawa pauses and thinks. “Well, not the sun, not that bright, and he’s not really warm either… It’s like the… what’s the word… when thunder…” he grumbles._

_Iwaizumi stares at the concentrated face and starts laughing. “Lightning?”_

_“Yeah! Yeah! Lightning! That’s the word!”_

_A month later Iwaizumi would find out that Oikawa’s father had passed away six years earlier._

X

Seated in the waiting room at the police station, Iwaizumi realized that Oikawa had managed to wrap him around his finger at their first encounter. If anyone else would have approached him, insisting they had aliens living in their house, he wouldn’t have believed them. If anyone else would have lied to him about their father being an astronaut who lived on the moon for a whole month, he would have beat them up. Quite literally, because he was violent as a kid.

But when it was Oikawa, Iwaizumi functioned by different rules. For whatever reason, the sight of the too-skinny, pale boy with a practiced, desperate grin had told him to be patient. One day the cherry blossom bud would unfold itself and bloom. It just needed care.

_Probably already back then,_ Iwaizumi thought helplessly, _I was probably in love with him already back then._

The cicadas were screaming and the heat unbearable, Oikawa, thirteen years old, leaning on Iwaizumi and complaining he was melting. _Back then too._ Fallen on the floor, fighting to hold back his pained sobs, Oikawa, fourteen years old, injured his knee during volleyball practice. _Back then too._ Twilight and moist air, Oikawa, fifteen years old, sitting on his bike outside of Iwaizumi’s window and begging him to sneak out to come see the shooting stars with him. _For so long._ An excited audience, eager shouts, Oikawa, sixteen years old, waving at the spectators during his volleyball game, proud and arrogant. _Always._

He rubbed his knuckles worriedly. Earlier, in the car on the way there, he had sent his mother a text message saying he’d be home late tonight and that he’d explain everything once he got home. For a second, he glanced up at the clock on the wall of the station, and wondered what his mother, father and sisters were up to. The next second he thought of Oikawa again. What was he up to?

The police officer had told Iwaizumi to wait while they spoke to Kaoru. So that he did. It was nerve-wrecking, sitting there and feeling the guilt pool in his stomach, threatening to rise into his throat over and over again. At the same time, it provided him a chance to figure things out.

Oikawa was officially a missing person. It was scary to say them out loud, the two words one only ever heard in the news or in suspense movies, but shying away from them would just do Iwaizumi more harm than good. He felt cold all over his body, even his fingertips were freezing. It felt like he would just need to extend his arm to his right side, and then magically Oikawa would be there, like always, standing by his side. Iwaizumi didn’t even want to try reaching his hand out, knowing he’d only feel empty air.

There were a few options. Either Oikawa really was the biggest brat in the universe and had run away as a cruel punishment for Iwaizumi’s call, or perhaps he had run away due to humiliation over the situation. If this was the case, Iwaizumi found himself leaning on Hanamaki’s words, and believed Oikawa would return within a week. Then there was the horrifying option of Oikawa not doing as well as he told everyone. Iwaizumi had seen it in middle school, when the pretty boy had started pushing himself so hard, he would come down with fevers frequently. Oikawa _had_ lived alone for over a month now after all. What if he just had snapped under the pressure of everything going on and had decided to end his life?

The only thought that offered consolation to this option was that Oikawa always wanted to have the last word in every situation. He would have left a note.

Finally, there was the option Hanamaki had joked about. It felt ridiculous and overexaggerated, but something inside Iwaizumi’s bones ached and nagged at him that Ushijima was behind this. He couldn’t quite wrap his head around it, because it really did feel utterly unrealistic. Ushijima was, after all, just a teenager like Oikawa and Iwaizumi. A weirdo, sure, but what damage would he be able to do, really? Iwaizumi just couldn’t picture Ushijima being capable of kidnapping anyone. As a matter of fact, he couldn’t picture anyone his age kidnapping anyone. How would that even work, technically? Despite his brain working against his instincts, his bones kept aching, mumbling, _you know Ushiwaka did something to Oikawa. You just have to figure out what._

In the midst of his internal argument between his bones and his brain, the door to the room flung open and Kaoru stepped outside. The tall woman was now crying, wiping her tears with shaky hands. Her milky pale skin was like Oikawa’s, just older and thinner.

“Iwaizumi-san, if you would please come answer a few questions”, the police officer was probably in his forties, Iwaizumi guessed, and seemed kind. “Don’t be worried, we just need some information to be able to know where to start looking.”

“Yes sir”, Iwaizumi found himself almost shaking, which was weird, because he was steady and calm in most scary situations. Maybe, Oikawa was Iwaizumi’s pillar just as much as Iwaizumi was Oikawa’s.

“Sit down, please”, the police officer kept being polite, gesturing to the chair by the table in the room. Everything was spinning around Iwaizumi, feeling surreal. “Would you like some coffee or tea?”

“No thank you”, Iwaizumi glanced at the nametag on the officer as he sat down. Hasegawa Takanori. 

“So, you know Oikawa Tooru very well, I heard”, Hasegawa said kindly. He had just spoken with Kaoru, so she must have mentioned it. He held a pen and notebook in his hand, seeming ready to write down Iwaizumi’s answers. “How has he been lately?”

Iwaizumi knew where this was going. “He has been good. Normal”, he was bad at words but did his best. “Excited for the future”, he added hastily, not wanting the police to assume Oikawa had ended his own life and stop the investigation there.

“Right”, Hasegawa mumbled. “But he has faced some hardships lately, hasn’t he? Living alone for so long… I heard he lost some important football game-“

“Volleyball game”, Iwaizumi corrected, angry and protective.

“Yes, sorry, volleyball”, he continued. “And his mother, Oikawa Kaoru, mentioned you two had a fight last Friday.”

“Yes”, he confirmed it with a nod. “It was about… There is a guy who has been bothering him lately and I decided to take action despite Oikawa telling me not to”, it felt much easier to say it this time.

Hasegawa hummed and nodded thoughtfully. “Yes, Mrs. Oikawa mentioned something like that. Something… about this guy sexually harassing her son, is that correct?”

“Correct. You should probably talk to our coaches at Aoba Johsai. Mizoguchi and Irihata”, Iwaizumi watched how quick Kanjis were scribbled down on the blank paper. Messy but readable. “They were there too, when it happened.”

“Mm, yes”, he sounded hesitant. “We will look into it all.”

“Sir, I”, Iwaizumi started talking without any afterthought of how ridiculous his words were, “I believe that guy might have kidnapped Oikawa.”

Pregnant silence occurred, swelling in every corner of the small, unpleasant room. Unfaltering, green eyes stared at Hasegawa, not backing down even when the realization of what he just had said sank in.

“That is a very serious allegation, Iwaizumi-san”, Hasegawa’s voice was gentle, soft and felt condescending.

“I’m aware but I still think he has something to do with this. He has been bothering Oikawa for over a month now, he even sent him a letter, so he knows where he lives”, he rambled on defensively. “I know I sound crazy but you have to at least consider it.”

“Well, we will look into him as well”, Hasegawa nodded. “His name?”

“Ushijima Wakatoshi”, Iwaizumi’s tongue burned at the name. The unpleasant characters were documented into the notebook with messy strokes.

“Alright”, Hasegawa took a deep breath. He slowly lowered the notebook, placing it on the cool surface of the black table. The way he looked up, the way he smiled sympathetically, the way he exhaled the breath he just had taken – _I’m sorry for your loss._ “We will look into all of these leads. We will also broadcast him on TV, just in case someone somewhere has seen him, but statistically…”

_Here it comes._

“…when a young person goes missing like this, they have most likely committed suicide. We may find him, but you have to face the fact that there is a high probability he is dead.”

X

“I’m home”, the two words Ushijima had longed to say for so long were finally spoken to someone. At last, someone was waiting for him at home. And that someone happened to be his beautiful boyfriend Oikawa, nonetheless.

At getting no reply, his faint smile dropped, and he walked towards the bedroom. Oikawa hadn’t been dumb, had he? Ushijima didn’t know why the setter kept asking to go home. It made no sense. Why would Oikawa want to return to the horrible place where he was only forgotten? Then again, Oikawa might have needed more time to settle down in his new home and adapt to their new life together. He most likely missed volleyball practice. Ushijima would just need to show him that a small break from practice would do him good, especially since Oikawa had a knee injury from a few years back. 

The smile crept back to his lips when he found his lover tucked beneath the thick blanket, messy brown hair peeking out from the pile. He knelt down, gently petting the thick locks. They didn’t feel as smooth as on Friday and Ushijima concluded Oikawa needed a proper shower, with shampoo and everything.

“I’m home”, Ushijima repeated softly, and suddenly Oikawa flinched awake, his hazelnut eyes staring at his kidnapper.

“Bathroom”, Oikawa replied, voice hoarse. He had fallen asleep while counting the cracks in the walls. Now the sunlight outside had grown dense of orange. It was evening and Ushijima had made it back from school. People would grow suspicious right? Since Ushijima lived in Shiratorizawa’s dorms. Someone would surely ask why he went away for the nights, right?

“Tooru”, Ushijima scooped Oikawa up, helping him sit up on the futon despite the handcuffs restraining his movements. “When I say I’m home, you reply with ‘welcome back’, okay?” Oikawa probably didn’t know how it worked because he too was used to coming home to silence. Ushijima would just have to practice with him until Oikawa learned. Just like with kissing and making love.

“Bathroom”, Oikawa repeated quietly. He needed to go. He hadn’t been able to all day long because of the handcuffs after all. Gaze lowered and body tense, he found himself starting to tremble at the thumbs rubbing against his shoulders. Why did Ushijima need to touch him so much? Hadn’t he already done enough?

“Tooru”, the tone dropped low and Oikawa flinched automatically. The large, rough hand was now placed on his cheek, thumb rubbing against his sharp jaw. “I’m home.”

With little control of his reactions or emotional state, Oikawa’s breath hitched. “Welcome home”, he stuttered out, sounding much more pathetic than he had realized he was capable of.

“Good job”, the praise sounded weird in that stoic, monotone voice. As a reward, Oikawa got a kiss on his lips. A reward he very much would have liked to reject. “Now, I will bring you to the bathroom as you wish. Then we shall eat dinner together.”

This time the need to use the toilet was too big for Oikawa to start fighting or struggling. Besides, as soon as he was released and tugged up from the futon, he realized what days of barely eating had done to him. He blacked out and went limp, seeing stars in his vision, and Ushijima had to practically carry him to the bathroom. He would eat dinner, Oikawa decided, even if it meant he would have to fight the urge to vomit for the rest of the evening. If he didn’t eat, he’d lose any chance of getting out of there.

Defeat always tasted bitter. But this defeat almost tasted acidic. An incredibly foul taste. When Ushijima slowly and gently drew Oikawa’s underwear over his legs after the shower, dressing him as if he was a child, Oikawa swallowed his pride and admitted defeat. He had lost the battle this time. Completely and utterly. And he was willing to accept this sacrifice as long as there was hope of winning the war. Maybe, just maybe, if he acted nice tonight, if he didn’t bite back, didn’t throw the plates, didn’t kick, then he’d have free hands tomorrow. So, when Ushijima kissed his thigh, Oikawa fought his instincts to attack him, and instead leaned back on the edge of the bathtub. _You can do this, it’s one night of your life. You already know how it feels when he assaults you, so there is nothing to be scared of._

Eventually, he had been seated by the dinner table, right hand and ankles once again secured to the chair. Oikawa was aware that Ushijima knew he was right-handed, of course he did, he had seen him play volleyball for years. So, it was a conscious choice to cuff his right hand, not a mistake based on the fact that Ushijima himself was left-handed. With only a left hand that was very shaky, partly because of anxiety, partly because of his blood sugar being so low, eating was hard. The chopsticks kept falling to the plate over and over again.

“Do you need help?” Ushijima eventually asked, having watched his boyfriend struggle for a while now. He had to keep Oikawa cuffed, as the pretty setter still would try to scratch at his eyes at times. Oikawa did come across as some kind of stray animal that just needed taming. He probably wasn’t used to love and affection. Just like Ushijima himself, except Ushijima was tamed and controlled. So far it appeared that Ushijima’s patience was paying off. Oikawa had been calmer today.

“No, no”, Oikawa shook his head frantically. He wanted to do this on his own. Disgust was pooling in his stomach, but he knew he had to eat. A very hesitant grip on the chopsticks finally managed to pick up a piece of chicken and he chewed slowly. His mouth only registered the texture, his tastebuds not picking up a single thing in his current state of anxiety.

Silence stretched across the air between them again, filling the room with its emptiness. Oikawa found it comforting, once again pretending Ushijima didn’t exist, and instead fully focused on picking up those small pieces of chicken on his plate with the chopsticks. His head felt heavy, hanging low in shame and fear.

While systematically picking up those pieces of chicken, Oikawa almost found himself hypnotized. The repeated action sent his mind spiraling. Today was Monday and he hadn’t shown up at school or work. Iwaizumi must have noticed his absence. Of course he had. And Oikawa wanted more than anything in the universe to believe that Iwaizumi didn’t think he was at home alone sulking over their argument. That Iwaizumi realized something had happened and contacted the police or the coaches or Oikawa’s mom – anyone really.

One single timid glance was thrown Ushijima’s way, Oikawa’s eyes wide in fear as he inspected the beast before him. Even if this was Oikawa’s fourth day in this horrendous cottage, this whole situation still felt extremely surreal and absurd. To accept that the guy he had viewed as a rival, as a bothersome obstacle to overcome, actually was a psychopath who had kidnapped him was hard. Over and over again he’d ask himself _why._ Why him. There had to be something more to this than Oikawa just being a gay volleyball player. By now he had been able to figure out that Ushijima hadn’t had a pleasant childhood – in fact, based on that story about the metallic rings in the walls, Oikawa concluded Ushijima had a psychopathic mother. _Like mother like son, huh._

That still didn’t explain why Oikawa out of all people had been chosen as Ushijima’s target of obsession.

“Ushiwaka”, Oikawa spoke up quietly.

“Wakatoshi”, Ushijima corrected patiently.

“Why do you want me?” he ignored the correction and his eyes remained focused on the food before him, lowered and anguished. 

For a moment, only silence occurred, and Oikawa started fearing he had upset Ushijima by his question. Or perhaps provoked him into more touching. The latter guess seemed more accurate as the stoic, off-putting teen leaned over the table and grabbed Oikawa’s left hand. Oikawa assumed it was meant as comforting, but it only came off as forceful and demanding.

“Tooru”, Ushijima’s voice seemed to be trying to coax Oikawa into lifting his gaze from the plate. It didn’t succeed. “I love you. So much. Have I not showed you that properly?”

“You have”, Oikawa panicked when the thumb on his hand rubbed against his wrist, sliding towards his forearm. When he glanced up, he saw the familiar lust burning in Ushijima’s eyes. He didn’t want it, but he knew it’d happen tonight again. “You have, I just… how long have you liked me for?”

“Since the first time I saw you”, the reply made his entire body turn ice cold. That long? Ushijima had been obsessed with him since middle school? The memory of encounter after the school festival was long forgotten, and so Oikawa didn’t realize that the obsession in fact was even older than from middle school.

“Why… me”, he breathed in through his nose, creating a small sniffling sound.

“You’re perfect for me”, Ushijima’s odd, terrifying smile returned to his rough face. The grip on Oikawa’s hand got firmer. “You’re the only one who understands me, who can make me happy. And I know I’m the only one who understands you and can make you happy. We’re the perfect couple.”

It was extremely difficult not to snap in response. Every fiber in Oikawa’s body ached to start a tantrum, to scream at Ushijima that he was insane and that no one ever had made him unhappier than he had these past four days. He managed to bite back his tongue, however, still hoping that his good behavior would be rewarded with free hands. Free hands would get him much further than cuffed hands would. So, after a minute of silence, he just nodded with a quiet hum, and Ushijima pulled his hand away.

When he didn’t pick up the chopsticks to continue eating, Ushijima reached over to grab his plate. “You’re done eating? There is a volleyball game on later tonight. We should watch it together”, like always, he didn’t ask Oikawa if he wanted to watch the game or not. Instead, he just announced the plans of the night. A tyrannical boyfriend.

Again, Oikawa opted for a plain, silent hum and a shaky nod as a response. He had managed to get some of the food down, which felt like a tiny victory. One step away from the bitter taste of defeat. Now he would just need to keep it down.

He was brought to the couch after being freed from the chair. Routinely, Ushijima redid the handcuffs around his wrists when they were seated on the couch, now cuffing him so that his hands were secured behind his back. Oikawa didn’t fight him, but let the change happen. Inside his mind he just saw the words ‘only’ and ‘tonight’ floating around, psyching himself that he could do this. If this all worked out, it would be worth it.

Ushijima turned on the television and wrapped the knitted blanket around Oikawa securely, still seeming to believe he was sick. It had been a foolish idea to try to get to the hospital, because now Ushijima was feeding him strange vitamins. At least Oikawa told himself those weird pills were vitamins, not even wanting to know what kind of drugs he was getting into his system.

“I will be right back, darling”, that was a new nickname, accompanied by a weird, commanding kiss on his head. Then, the beast that had imprisoned Oikawa walked back to the kitchen to wash the dishes, and the prisoner stared at the screen before him with dull eyes.

Commercial break. It made Oikawa realize people were still out there living their normal lives. In the coziness of his home, Iwaizumi sat and had dinner with his family while this very same commercial played. Matsukawa was procrastinating studying for the upcoming history test. Hanamaki was on a hike with his dog. And Oikawa sat handcuffed inside a cottage in the middle of nowhere, traumatized and ruined. No one would ever respect him again.

The screen before him flickered. The commercial break was interrupted by news. Curling up into a small ball, Oikawa leaned his head against his knee, the stronger one, and listened. Politics. A large company had suffered information leakage. A heavy rainstorm in Sendai had caused damage to an old, rusty building. A missing person.

Oikawa’s head shot up.

_“A young high school senior from Aoba Johsai has gone missing-“_

He didn’t need to have his glasses to know what the blurry but familiar Kanji on the screen spelled out. Next, his face was shown, his wide smile on the school photo from earlier that year visible for thousands, maybe millions. Unconsciously, he tried pulling up the corners of his mouth to match the smile of photo, but not a single muscle moved. In fact, he was fairly certain he wasn’t even breathing.

_“-Oikawa Tooru, who is the captain of the volleyball team, has been missing since Friday night. He is approximately 180 cm tall and has brown hair. Please be in contact with the police if you see him.”_

Before he knew it, he was breathing again, a bit too fast and hard. Someone had noticed. Someone had realized. Someone was looking for him. His eyes swelled up with tears.

They would find him, they had to find him.

Were they scared? Sad? Was he causing them trouble by being gone? How was Iwaizumi? If Iwaizumi would go missing like Oikawa had, Oikawa would go insane. He hoped Iwaizumi was doing well. What about Oikawa’s family? How was his mom? His sister? Takeru? He didn’t want them to blame themselves. This was not their fault. Had everyone at school seen that? Hell, they all had to know by now. Rumors would be circling around the district forever after this. If Oikawa really did get out of this cottage, would he ever be able to face anyone in school again?

“That is a bit unnecessary, don’t you think”, Ushijima commented as he slumped down next to Oikawa on the couch. Oikawa hadn’t even heard him approaching, busy spiraling into those horrible thoughts.

“I’m… a missing person”, he whispered. By now, Ushijima must have realized what he was doing was illegal and insane. He tried raising his voice from a whisper to a mumble. “You should call the police and tell them I’m here. That there is nothing to worry about. Right?”

“The police wouldn’t understand, Tooru. They don’t understand my love for you”, he leaned closer and wrapped his arm around Oikawa’s shoulders. “It’s better to wait for them to calm down. You can stay here for as long as it takes.”

“What about my friends and family? They’re-“, he stuttered, “, they’re looking for me.”

“They can wait. If they truly are your friends, they will know that this is the best for you”, Ushijima wasn’t backing down. Of course he wasn’t. He hadn’t backed down a single time since this started. His gaze was still the exact same as the day he first had confessed. He had really meant it when he had said he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Oikawa kept trembling even when the news had ended and the volleyball game came on. He didn’t see a single thing on the screen, skin crawling at how Ushijima rubbed his shoulder and nuzzled his hair. But he didn’t fight back. Now, more than ever, he wanted to do whatever he could to get out of there.

“I don’t… really like cuddling”, he said when Ushijima started pressing slow kisses against his jaw.

“You’ll get used to it”, it was the same reply every time, and it made Oikawa realize that this wasn’t about ignorance of his feelings, but instead persistence to brainwash. The thought that Oikawa one day could be used to these touches was bone-chilling and he promised himself he’d never submit. Not in that sense.

“Okay”, Oikawa murmured back, frowning. He refocused on the TV screen, ignoring how the kisses got more and more persistent, moving from his jaw to his neck. He didn’t fight back, but he didn’t open up either. Ushijima paused, lips halfway to his neck.

“I’m aroused”, Ushijima broke the weird stalemate he had put them in.

Oikawa already knew. With a thick, painful lump going down his throat, he slowly turned to face his stalker. His breath was slightly erratic but he only breathed through his nose to control it. “Alright. I promise I won’t be difficult tonight if you promise to let me out of the handcuffs for tomorrow.”

The lips now met the milky pale skin, pressing once, twice, thrice. “Why? You aren’t thinking of abandoning me, are you?” he whispered against the perfectly smooth surface.

“Of course not”, he cringed at the kisses but didn’t kick or turn his head away. “I just want to be able to do some exercising. I feel better now and I don’t want to lose my progress with volleyball”, for whatever reason, his mind was filled with an odd clarity to manipulate. Normally his head would have been full of panic already. “I want to be able to play on the same team as you in the future. Together. As your setter.”

“As _my_ setter”, Ushijima repeated, voice low of arousal and excitement.

“Yes, yours. So, please?”

“Alright. Tomorrow no handcuffs.”

And yet, even if this sacrifice felt like another loss at the moment, Oikawa knew it would eventually lead to a small victory. So he let it happen and waited for the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--- so yea, things are turning..? maybe?
> 
> please leave a comment if you enjoyed this chapter!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM BAAAACK!  
> sorry for disappearing, school has been so insane I have barely slept or eaten anything for two weeks. now im back and have slept and eaten and hope to update more frequently again!! <3  
> ADJDFJAGOSDP tysm you all for your comments!! they really made school more bearable !! <3 <3 <3
> 
> ANYWAY this chapter ended up being hella long because I wanted to get things to move forwards XD It's a DRAMATIC chapter, so I hope it doesn't feel too rushed or messy!
> 
> please enjoy!!

She was an excellent cook. Everything she made always tasted fantastic, and Iwaizumi would often hear how his friends boasted about his mother’s cooking to others. Especially Oikawa would brag about the homemade cookies Iwaizumi Yuri had baked them, talking about them as if they were the most sacred goods in the world. He’d never share with anyone, only tauntingly shake the delicious snacks in front of Hanamaki’s face, and then munch them down with a greedy appetite. All while grinning teasingly.

Despite this, each bite of dinner that night had tasted like ashes. A painful silence had throbbed over every small noise the chopsticks made when hitting the plates. In the background, TV commercials played, unfittingly cheerful and loud. Even Iwaizumi’s twin sisters, Yua and Yui, who were the loudest preteens a human could find, had been quiet. The truth was, that all of them were close to Oikawa. Of course they were. Oikawa had more or less grown up in their house, spending every vacation sleeping on a futon on Iwaizumi’s floor, babysitting the mischievous twins, helping Yuri with groceries, patiently listening to Enkai’s rambles about ancient history.

The steps up to his bedroom were heavy that night. Each step felt like a betrayal. He should have gone outside. He should have gone looking for Oikawa. He shouldn’t rest if Oikawa was being hurt. What if Oikawa never returned and it would be because of Iwaizumi? What if tonight would be his only chance to find his best friend? Or even worse, what if it already was too late, and all he’d ever find would be a cold corpse?

Sitting on the edge of his bed and rubbing his eyes angrily, he failed to notice how the door to his bedroom was opened and how his mother walked in. He could hear his father murmur something about letting their son be, but Yuri dismissed her husband’s worries and sat down next to her oldest son, wrapping her arm around his broad shoulders.

“Hajime”, her tone was soft and filled with so much love and care that Iwaizumi only felt unworthy of it. “It’ll be alright…”

“What if it won’t”, he whispered back. He was usually never vulnerable like this. True to the first half of his family name, Iwaizumi was strong and sturdy like a rock. But today he was more like the second half – the fountain – anxiety spilling out of him like slippery, ungraspable water.

“Tooru isn’t the kind of guy to…” Yuri trailed off. She didn’t need to say the rest of the sentence for it to be clear what she meant. A part of her felt wrong for giving her son false hope like this, but at the same time, she herself lived in this belief. She refused to believe that Oikawa would have committed suicide.

“Mom”, Iwaizumi’s voice cracked and he finally stopped rubbing his eyes. They were red, both from crying and from the harsh rubbing. “Oikawa… is… I really…”

“I know, honey, I know”, soothing hands pushed through Iwaizumi’s rough hair. She could see how worried her son was. How heartbroken. As his mother, she wanted nothing more than to offer support and comfort to him. “I know he’s special to you.”

Something about the way she said those words made Iwaizumi flinch. Perhaps it was the small pause before saying the word _special_ or perhaps it was the tone of the overall sentence. But either way, he understood that she _knew._ How? How did she know? Iwaizumi had only started understanding he had a crush on Oikawa that same afternoon. His heart pounded in his chest and he swallowed hard. Suddenly the hands resting in his lap were trembling and his mother reached over, rubbing his knuckles soothingly.

“Hajime, it’s okay, you know your father and I don’t judge”, she continued when seeing the panicked expression on her son’s face. “We love you so much. And are so proud. The fact that you love Tooru doesn’t change that one bit”, she slowly stroked his cheek with her other hand. Her fingers were cold and soft, and suddenly Hajime was six years old again, being soothed over something as trivial as a scraped knee.

“How”, his reply was but a mere whisper, pathetic and helpless.

“Oh honey”, Yuri’s smile was a mixture of sadness, love and amusement. “You’re a very caring boy behind your cool act. But even you aren’t caring enough to take care of Tooru the way you do just as a friend. You absolutely hate those alien movies, but you go over at least once a month to watch them with him. You’d never do that with Hanamaki and Matsukawa, now would you?”

Iwaizumi’s eyes widened in realization.

“Or that time when he hurt his knee”, she continued, voice thick with love for both her son and Oikawa. “You spent every waking moment reading about knee injuries. You worried more about his injury than he himself did.”

“I had to, that dumbass kept insisting he’d go back to practice”, Iwaizumi said, voice hoarse. His throat felt tight from the need to cry but he held back. He didn’t want to break down in front of his mother. So instead, he settled for crumbling down gradually.

Yuri’s small laughter ripped up the thick air, finally causing both of them to tear up properly. “He is so stubborn, that Tooru. Maybe he is being stubborn again.”

“Yeah, maybe”, hot tears ran down his cheeks and his mother slowly wiped them away with her thumb. “I just… Mom, I really… I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t come back.”

“Don’t think about that tonight”, she pulled him into a soft, warm embrace, comforting arms wrapped around his large, bulky frame. “There is nothing we can do right now. Instead, go to sleep. Rest. Before we know it, Tooru will be back.”

Iwaizumi didn’t reply anything for a while. Rather, he leaned against his mother’s warm shoulder, burying his nose into her familiar scent. He hated being vulnerable and helpless like this, especially in front of his mother, who was so strong and independent. But right now, he needed her as his lifeline. The soft rubbing against his back kept him grounded, kept him from completely spiraling into a self-destructive world.

“You know you can always talk to me or your father, right? About anything”, Yuri went on when Iwaizumi stayed silent. She kept hugging him, rubbing slow circles into the tense muscles of his back. “And don’t push yourself too hard, okay? This is a tough situation. If you don’t want to go to school tomorrow, we will allow it.”

“Okay”, Iwaizumi finally replied, tears stinging his eyes uncomfortably. He clenched his jaw hard to refrain from sobbing. “Thanks mom.”

“Now, go to sleep”, she pulled away from the hug. Like her son, she was broad-shouldered and sturdy. Reliable and dependable. Soft and caring behind her stern features. “I love you, so much”, she stroked his head once, twice. And then, she slowly stood up, the comforting warmth next to Iwaizumi replaced with harsh coldness and emptiness. “Good night, Hajime.”

“Good night mom”, his voice was tight and raspy, and the second his mother shut the door to his bedroom, he let out a quiet, desperate sob. He blindly reached for his phone, vision blurry due the tears pooling in his eyes. He opened the chat between him and Oikawa. _Last seen Friday 15:04._

_“Good night Shittykawa”,_ Iwaizumi typed in and sent off. For a second, he waited for Oikawa’s status to change, for him to appear online and write back _“Hey don’t call me that Iwa-chan!”._ But there was no message. Instead, in the upper left corner, the numbers remained the same. _Last seen Friday 15:04._

He sobbed again, slumping down on his back on the bed. Where the hell was Oikawa? What had happened to him? Iwaizumi missed him, so much more than he ever realized a human being was capable of missing someone. His entire body ached in worry and his head felt heavy of anxiety. It was as if his existence was plagued with sorrow.

_I love you, I love you, I love you. You big idiot. You dumbass. Where are you? Where did you go? Come home. Please come home._

He didn’t even feel embarrassed or weirded out over the fact that his parents had been aware of his crush on Oikawa before he had. Rather, his chest just ached and ached, feeling cold and hollow. The only thing that could fill that hollowness was Oikawa. He needed to cradle Oikawa close to him, hold him, feel him, see him alive.

He was now pretty sure he was in love with Oikawa and had been so for as long as he could remember. How he never had questioned this before was unbelievable. When everyone else had been flustered around girls in their school, Iwaizumi had just been content with being Oikawa’s best friend. For years he had only focused on volleyball and Oikawa. And he had never really understood why people threw everything away for a date with some random, albeit cute, girl from another school.

No, for Iwaizumi, his main focus had always been Oikawa. Be annoyed at Oikawa. Be happy for Oikawa. Be worried about Oikawa. How had he been this dumb? Like his mother had said, even he wasn’t _that_ caring just by nature. No one was that caring just by nature. No one would care about someone in the way he had for Oikawa just as a friend. The amount of times Iwaizumi had found himself in the nearest convenience store at three in the morning because Oikawa had craved popcorn was insane. And the worst part of it all was that, even if he had been extremely irritated at his best friend’s childish whines for snacks, he still had been smiling when paying for said snacks, thinking about how happy Oikawa would be over the gesture.

Was something wrong with Iwaizumi for being like this?

The thing was, he was pretty sure he wasn’t gay. He had never really been interested in guys. But at the same time, he was equally sure he wasn’t straight either. In fact, the more he thought about himself and his sexuality, the more he realized he never really had felt any kind of sexual attraction to anyone.

Did he even feel it towards Oikawa? He had never really explored that side of himself. By now, no new tears were rolling down his face, the fear of losing his best friend replaced by curiosity and confusion. He opened Oikawa’s social media profiles and scrolled through the pictures. Truthfully, Iwaizumi wasn’t a huge fan of posting online, and he barely followed what his friends posted. That was why there were quite a few photos he had never even seen.

Like the shameless photo of Oikawa stretching shirtless on the beach. _“Beach volley with Makki and Mattsun!”_ From last summer, when Iwaizumi had been helping his uncle out at his store and been too busy to join their usual summer adventures.

A strong, burning heat went through his spine at the sight of the flexed muscles, the long, pale limbs, the sweaty, fluffy hair. God. Alright. So perhaps he did feel sexual attraction towards Oikawa. In fact, scrolling through more similar pictures, most from Oikawa’s volleyball workouts, he realized that, yes, he wanted to touch him. And in an instant he remembered how his own hands would pinch Oikawa’s waist after practice, as a way to scold him for overworking. Except, had Iwaizumi partly done it because he in fact had been wanting to touch Oikawa for much longer than he had realized?

“I’m such a fucking idiot”, he muttered to himself. He had been so focused on school, on volleyball, on part-time jobs. He had never really stopped and asked himself, _hey, man, you sure it’s normal to massage your best friend’s thighs to help him with a knee injury?_

Iwaizumi would need to eventually talk to Oikawa about this, right? There was no way he would be able to act all cool and normal around him now that he had realized he was pretty gay for him. Actually, Iwaizumi was fairly certain that he now would be a flustered, stuttering mess when changing clothes in front of Oikawa for volleyball practice.

Would Oikawa like him back? Logically, Iwaizumi had a chance. Oikawa _had_ come out as gay after all. So perhaps, if Iwaizumi just did his best, brought Oikawa pretty flowers, maybe some alien movies too, Oikawa would agree to go on a date. Wait, would a date between them just be awkward? Or would it be like always, except with Iwaizumi being able to kiss Oikawa? Like really, truly _kiss_ him? He felt hot all over again.

A second later, the humiliation of realizing he was sexually attracted to Oikawa was replaced with that horrifying coldness again. Midway into his lungs, his breath was caught in his throat, feeling like a painful lump refusing to move either up or down. Ushijima had kissed Oikawa. And now Oikawa was missing. More than ever, he felt convinced that this situation must be because of him. Either Oikawa had run away due to being scared of his stalkerish admirer, or his stalkerish admirer really had gone too far.

The police obviously didn’t believe Iwaizumi. In fact, it was fairly conspicuous that they had more or less decided that Oikawa already was dead. Iwaizumi refused to accept it. Something inside of him was fully certain that Oikawa still was out there, breathing with a steady heartbeat. Alive and warm.

Tomorrow he would go to Shiratorizawa. Tomorrow he would talk to Ushijima himself.

X

Despite his mother telling him it would be fine to skip school, Iwaizumi had felt some kind of responsibility as the vice-captain of Seijoh’s volleyball team. Therefore, he showed up for morning practice. The instant he opened the door to the locker room, he could tell that this had been a severe mistake. The air was so thick with worry that the room almost stunk and his team members stared at him with wide eyes. They all had probably seen the news last night.

“Iwaizumi-san”, Yahaba, the second year who would be taking over Oikawa’s position as captain and main setter after graduation, spoke up first. “Is it… true..?”

“Do you really think the news would lie about something like that?” Iwaizumi couldn’t help his harsh tone. He was usually never this rough on his underclassmen, but he didn’t have patience for dumb questions either. Not today. “He’s gone. No one has seen him since Friday.”

“Since Friday?” Watari repeated worriedly. “So it’s been… At least three days”, he stuttered out pathetically.

_At least three days._ Fuck, what if Iwaizumi had just followed Oikawa home after their argument? What if he had gone up to his house on Saturday during his run? What if he had texted him sooner? Then maybe, just maybe, Oikawa would be with them right now, babbling on about how many likes his latest tweets had gotten. Iwaizumi stood frozen in place, eyes staring at the ghost of Oikawa wandering around amongst them.

Matsukawa, tall and calm like always, let out a deep sigh. “Let’s not bother Iwaizumi too much today”, he spoke to the rest. It annoyed Iwaizumi to be protected and shielded like some kind of weak damsel in distress. But he didn’t bite back. Instead, he shoved his bag down on the floor with an angry grunt and started taking out his jersey to change.

The others must have sensed his frustration and scattered off one by one after finishing changing. Hanamaki and Matsukawa stayed behind, the usually bothersome and mischievous duo exchanging worried glances with each other. For now, Iwaizumi ignored them, getting his knee braces on, tightening them properly to make sure that they wouldn’t slide down during practice.

“Iwaizumi”, Hanamaki finally said something instead of just trying to get Iwaizumi to look him in the eyes. It had been painfully obvious by the way he had kept lowering his head, trying to get the vice-captain to face him. “I’m… really sorry for joking about this on Friday.”

“Same”, Matsukawa added. “I would never have… If I had known, I wouldn’t have said those things…”

Iwaizumi kept his head lowered, not wanting to show the other two that his eyes were wet again. He shook his head dismissively, growling lowly in reply. “It’s okay guys. You didn’t know.”

“If there is anything we can do or…” Matsukawa tried.

“We miss him too. It’s so weird to have practice without him”, Hanamaki laughed, his laughter reminding Iwaizumi of cold waves on a winter beach. “I can’t believe I actually miss his annoying whines about losing beauty sleep.”

“Or his mean jokes about some old man with warts in his face”, Matsukawa filled in. “Either way, know that we miss him and we care about you. We’re here if you wanna talk.”

“Thanks”, Iwaizumi murmured in reply, head still hanging low in shame and sorrow. He glanced up, eyes red and vulnerable. “Could you… Give me just a minute?”

“Yes, yes, of course”, Hanamaki blabbered out, seemingly awkward at seeing one of his best friends so vulnerable. In fact, he could not recall a single time seeing Iwaizumi this destroyed over something. The unbreakable, reliable Iwaizumi just a pale shell of his usual self.

The door flung shut behind them and Iwaizumi was finally able to breathe out. Burying his face into the palms of his hand, he tried to ignore the throbbing pain in his chest. For a short while, he could hear Oikawa’s light footsteps entering the room, his cheerful greeting echoing through the space, his faint fragrance filling the air around him. When Iwaizumi lifted his head up, all of it disappeared. The room only smelled of sweaty jerseys.

He stood by the door to the gymnasium, watching how his team members silently tossed the balls around to warm up. No excited jokes were exchanged. No happy laughter. Not even casual chattering. Just sweltering silence and occasional slapping sounds of the balls hitting the floor. It hurt. The atmosphere physically hurt. He considered turning around and walking back home. But then Irihata approached him, and Iwaizumi found himself wanting to speak to him.

“Iwaizumi”, Irihata began, voice gentle. “You don’t need to be here if you feel unwell.”

He phrased it in a way that made it sound like Iwaizumi had a cold or fever or something. All Iwaizumi had was heartache. Then again, the pain was much more unbearable than that of any flu he ever had been through.

“I know. I don’t know why I came here, to be honest”, he was fully aware of how pathetic his reply was.

“Sometimes sticking to old routines is the best way to cope with stress”, Irihata explained patiently. “But if you feel these routines are overwhelming for you, it’s alright. We understand.”

“Thank you, sensei”, Iwaizumi bowed slightly. Instantly, the responsibility he had felt that morning when forcing himself up from his bed to get to practice was pulverized. He lowered his tensed shoulders and looked the head coach in the eyes. “I will be going then.”

“Yes, take care.”

X

Right next to him was that comfortable warmth and lovely smell. He inhaled deeply and slowly, nose buried into soft, curly locks. The way the blanket slowly rose and sunk told Ushijima that Oikawa still was asleep. It was understandable – it was still quite early. Right now, it was cloudy outside and the sun had yet to rise properly. Therefore, their shared bedroom was still dim. It smelled of sleep.

They shared the large, thick blanket, their heats intertwining beneath it. Ushijima’s larger frame was pressed against Oikawa’s back. The burning hotness between them was something Ushijima wanted to wake up to for the rest of his life. Slowly drawing his hand from Oikawa’s stomach to his cheek, he pet the small valley where his jaw met his ear. A soft, cute spot on his perfectly symmetrical face. Oikawa stirred in response, the finger that drew circles on his jaw felt ticklish.

“Tooru”, Ushijima’s voice was a bit raspy from sleep, but full of love for his boyfriend. He hadn’t handcuffed Oikawa for the night, showing him appreciation for how well he had behaved last night. Oikawa had been good the entire night as well, not kicking at Ushijima once, even when he had touched his chest or hips. “It’s morning.”

“Wakatoshi”, Oikawa seemed to finally have learned using Ushijima’s first name. The way his name rolled off the soft, pink lips made Ushijima’s stomach flip excitedly. He wanted to hear him say it over and over again. “I’m still tired.”

“I have to get up”, Ushijima continued as if Oikawa hadn’t said a thing. He still stroked the soft jaw, loving how Oikawa tensed under the touch. He was still so shy and timid. It was adorable. But Ushijima could tell that Oikawa slowly was opening up to him. With enough time, he’d be able to fully draw out Oikawa’s true feelings for him. And when that happened, the two of them could return to school together, as a couple. Oikawa could finish his last months of high school with Ushijima, in Shiratorizawa.

Oikawa didn’t reply, his steady and deep breaths returning. He was most likely falling back to sleep. Ushijima understood. Oikawa had done everything Ushijima had asked him to yesterday – it must have been a hard physical exertion considering Oikawa recently had been sick and all. Even so, Ushijima wanted a reply, so he drew his other hand to Oikawa’s ribs, slowly tracing over the tiny bumps of the bones. “Tooru”, he said commandingly.

“I know, you have school”, Oikawa’s voice sounded as if he still had one foot in the land of dreams. Distant and silent. “I’ll be waiting for you here”, he added. He had his back turned to Ushijima, the latter only able to press his lips into his neck. Oikawa understood what the hand on his cheek tried to tell him, and he obediently turned around to face his stalker.

“You’re beautiful even in the morning”, Ushijima commented, looking into Oikawa’s tired face. Even with his hair looking like some kind of nest, with puffy, purple eyebags, with dull eyes, he was perfect. He leaned in close and placed a slow, needy kiss on Oikawa’s lips. “You were very good yesterday.”

Oikawa did his best not to cringe and looked away from the obsessive gaze to prevent himself from gagging. He nodded. He had done it to survive. But now Ushijima seemed to think he had liked it. “Of course.”

“I’ll let you stay out of the handcuffs today”, there it was, the reward he had been working for. “I’ll leave you some clothes and food. But you can’t leave this room, alright? I don’t want you to get hurt. You’re so…”

Oikawa didn’t understand what Ushijima meant to say. He kept looking down at the pillow, focusing on the shade of the fabric. It looked blueish, almost purple, in this light. But he knew it in fact was light gray. Boring and dull like Ushijima himself.

“You’re so fragile”, Ushijima finished his sentence, his rough palm cupping Oikawa’s soft cheek. “And so important to me. I love you. I need you. I’d do anything to keep you here, safe.”

All Oikawa heard was, _I’d do anything to keep you here, caged._ And so far, it had been true. He wondered how far Ushijima really would go with this. Would he kill someone to keep Oikawa here? If someone did find him, would Ushijima just get rid of them to minimize the risk of losing him? How insane was he? The longer Oikawa had been in this cottage, the more he realized that Ushijima was way worse than he would have ever imagined.

“You do know that, right, Tooru?” Ushijima’s thumb pressed against his lower lip a bit too hard. Oikawa immediately understood that this was a command for him to reply. So, he nodded, still avoiding eye contact.

“Good”, Ushijima continued when there was no verbal reply. “I’ll get up then. Wait for me here, darling.”

And with that, he got up and left the room.

X

Determined sunrays pierced through the thick clouds, landing in resolute patches on the concrete ground. The dense clouds seemed to try their hardest to gather into a strong front, a powerful gust pushing them closer to each other. They always seemed to fail to form a solid surface, however, the cotton-like clouds drifting past each other and allowing the pale sun to sneak through their barrier.

Iwaizumi watched the sky and the war between the clouds, the sun and the wind. He had been about to bike home, dressed in his school uniform instead of his volleyball jersey. But when he had come to the crossway where he always turned right, he had turned left. And before he knew it, he found himself struggling pedaling up the hill to Karasuno high school.

The clouds had stilled by the time he jumped off the bike and led it into the school area. The students stared at him. He was wearing the school uniform of a whole different school and stuck out in the mass of black outfits with his white jacket. It appeared that he had just arrived after the first morning lesson. Many students had gone outside for some fresh air and were now stunned to find a student from Aoba Johsai in their territory.

“Iwaizumi-san?” a voice to his left called out. He whipped his head to the direction and found none other than his previous teammate Kageyama Tobio standing there awkwardly, a milk box in his hand. _Still drinks milk, huh._

“Ah you’re!” Iwaizumi’s gaze landed on Hinata Shouyo, who stood next to Kageyama. “You’re..! Kageyama, what was his name!?”

“Iwaizumi”, Kageyama supplied, seeming annoyed at Hinata’s loudness and forgetfulness. He frowned and walked up to his upperclassman. A few years ago, in middle school, Kageyama had played on the same volleyball team with Iwaizumi and Oikawa. Kageyama, two years younger than them and quite shy, had always stared up at his upperclassmen with admiration sparkling in his eyes. Iwaizumi could still see that same respect flickering behind his mature gaze. “What are you doing here?”

“Ah!” Hinata interrupted with a loud gasp before Iwaizumi had a chance to reply to Kageyama’s question. “I saw the news last night! Is it true that Oikawa is missing?! That’s horrible!”

Iwaizumi nodded. “That is why I am here. None of you… have seen him, right? Or, has… Has he been in contact with any of you?” he knew it was very far-fetched. Especially considering Oikawa always had kind of hated Kageyama. No, that was wrong, Oikawa had never actually hated Kageyama. He had been jealous of the fact that Kageyama was naturally more talented than him as a setter. If there was anyone Oikawa hated in that scenario, it was himself.

“No”, Kageyama shook his head. He swallowed thickly and turned to look at his short friend. “Hinata, go get Daichi. Maybe he would know.”

“Yes”, Hinata nodded seriously before sprinting off. Iwaizumi was impressed by how fast he was, even when wearing an uncomfortable school uniform that surely restricted his movements some bit.

“Iwaizumi-san… I’m”, Kageyama was awkward. Iwaizumi knew that. Back in middle school, Kageyama would repeatedly get in trouble with his teammates due to his poor social skills. He’d express things clumsily and people would get offended. Iwaizumi had seen how Kageyama’s eyes had sparkled when Oikawa spoke, probably envying the verbal skills he had. “I’m very sorry.”

“Huh”, Iwaizumi forced himself to chuckle. “I see you’ve improved on that empathy-thing we used to talk about.”

Kageyama blushed and looked away, stuttering something incomprehensible to himself. In middle school he would always ask Iwaizumi for advice on how to express himself better. He had first tried asking Oikawa, as he had been able to tell Oikawa was particularly good at words, but the brat had always shut him down with rude comments and mean grimaces. The amount of times Oikawa had mimicked Kageyama’s questions to tease him had been ridiculous.

Neither of them said anything for a few moments and the clouds above them moved slowly and carefully, as if scared to disrupt their moment. Iwaizumi, almost graduated from high school, looked at Kageyama, who just had started high school. Two worlds millions of miles apart. In this moment, Iwaizumi almost felt like a proud big brother. Kageyama had grown, not only physically, but mentally. And he was excited to see how this kid would grow in the future as well.

“Does Oikawa-san still hate me?” Kageyama asked abruptly. A pang in Iwaizumi’s chest made him feel immediate guilt. Poor Kageyama, still hanging on to the hard, cruel words Oikawa would throw his way in middle school. Iwaizumi would give Oikawa a proper scolding when he saw him. _If_ he saw him, he mentally corrected himself.

“He never did”, Iwaizumi clarified. A small pause took place yet again. “Look, Kageyama… I know Oikawa is complicated and mean and seems unreadable to most people. I know he’s really, really _fake._ But trust me when I say, he never hated you and still doesn’t. If anything, I think he admires you.”

“Admires me?” Kageyama blushed a bit more this time. Just enough for Iwaizumi to wonder if Kageyama’s admiration towards Oikawa was just that or more…

“As a setter”, Iwaizumi filled in, childishly jealous over something he hadn’t even confirmed.

The blush on Kageyama’s tanned cheeks disappeared and he nodded quietly. If he was disappointed by the words he had been told, Iwaizumi decided not to care. 

“Is it true…” Kageyama continued, looking Iwaizumi in the eyes. “Is it true that Oikawa-san and Ushiwaka are dating?” the respect Kageyama still held for Oikawa was evident in the way he used an honorific when talking about him but didn’t use one when referring to Ushijima. Iwaizumi found the corner of his lips twitching upwards. Kageyama was indeed a good kid, despite Oikawa’s bitter vendetta against him.

“It’s not true”, Iwaizumi said firmly. “Do… people think that?”

“Yes”, Kageyama nodded. “Hinata saw them kissing before the tournament and… well people have been talking and… Ushiwaka also said some stuff during the final. It was weird. I thought Oikawa-san didn’t like him at all.”

“Oikawa doesn’t like him at all”, Iwaizumi confirmed. He felt bad for Kageyama. He could tell he wasn’t able to really follow social ques like others did. He had probably felt like he had misread the whole situation between Oikawa and Ushijima when people had started talking about them dating. Felt like he didn’t know his former teammate as well as he had believed to. “What kinda stuff did Ushiwaka say?”

“Uh”, Kageyama hesitated, his blue eyes scattering around, gaze on the ground in that familiar way Iwaizumi recognized as panic. He was having troubles finding the right words again. Iwaizumi knew that it was for the best to just give Kageyama some space. “He said he was disappointed that he was playing against me and not Oikawa-san. Tsukishima, uh, our middle blocker, if you remember, Tsukishima”, he got caught in trying to explain who Tsukishima was, which was irrelevant to the story.

“Yes, I know him”, Iwaizumi stopped Kageyama from stuttering around so awkwardly.

“Yes, so”, obviously relieved at not having to explain who Tsukishima was, he continued, “Tsukishima joked about Ushiwaka just wanting to see his boyfriend. And he just nodded and said that he always wanted to see his boyfriend, implying that-that Oikawa-san was his boyfriend.”

At this, Iwaizumi felt his blood boiling. That disgusting bastard had really been going around telling people he and Oikawa were a couple, huh? And now people actually believed it? It appeared that at least Karasuno thought of Oikawa and Ushijima as a couple. Did the other volleyball teams also think that?

“Thanks for telling me Kageyama”, Iwaizumi replied, trying his best to not sound angry at his underclassman. “But the truth is, Oikawa hates Ushiwaka. Ushiwaka even harassed him”, he didn’t know why he told Kageyama that. Kageyama probably didn’t want to hear it at all. And Oikawa most certainly wouldn’t want Kageyama, his number one rival, to know about his vulnerable moments. Yet Iwaizumi couldn’t stop himself, “and he sent him a creepy card. It’s as if he’s stalking him.”

“Iwaizumi-san”, the dark voice behind him was familiar. Daichi, the captain of Karasuno’s volleyball team, had now arrived with Hinata by his side. “We didn’t realize that was the situation at all… We all thought… Well, people were saying the two of them were dating so...”

Kageyama was clearly uncomfortable, squeezing the milk carton in his hand a bit too hard as he brought it up to drink. His blue eyes looked away, as if to ignore the awkwardness of this conversation. Hinata, small and somehow very innocent-looking, stared up at Iwaizumi with sad eyes.

“So… Ushiwaka was lying to us?” he asked in his squeaky voice.

“Yes”, Iwaizumi confirmed. “Or well… He does seem to think Oikawa and him are a couple. But let me tell you, they aren’t. They really, really aren’t.”

Daichi, who always appeared to seem at least a year older than everyone around him, looked at Iwaizumi with familiar concern. “We will keep our eyes and ears open, but none of us have seen Oikawa-san”, he spoke slowly, tone warm with concern and care. “Would you be comfortable giving us your phone number? We will be in touch with you in case something happens.”

“Yes, thank you, of course”, Iwaizumi was touched over Daichi’s willingness to help and support him in this situation. He took out his phone to show the captain of Karasuno his phone number. “I know I sound insane but… If you hear something about Ushiwaka that might be connected to Oikawa… Please tell me.”

Daichi hesitated, not saying anything for a few seconds. He slowly took out his own phone and typed in the phone number on the screen before him. Then he looked up at Iwaizumi again. “I don’t think you sound insane. In fact, if Oikawa-san and Ushijima-san aren’t dating… Then the insane one might be Ushijima-san.”

X

Outside, a lonely bird was singing. Probably lost and forgotten. They usually headed south this time of the year, after all, those birds. But there it was, flying around restlessly and helplessly in the forest. It was most likely searching for its friends and family, but alas, they must have left already.

Oikawa sat by the window and looked at the bird. For the first time since he had been brought to this cottage, he wasn’t handcuffed. He could walk around the room. He hadn’t gone to check whether the door was locked or not yet, wanting to wait a bit. Ushijima had just left after all, leaving Oikawa sitting on the futon with a pile of clothes and a plate of food. He watched the bird flutter around, counting to one thousand inside his head. Just to make sure. Just to make sure Ushijima really was far away, that he wouldn’t be hiding around the corner, that this wasn’t some kind of test of trust. If it was and Oikawa failed, he’d never be out of the handcuffs again.

_Five-hundred and thirty-five, five-hundred and thirty-six, five hundred and thirty-seven._

The bird cried out again. Oikawa stared at the naked tree branches with wide eyes, stared at the cloudy sky that occasionally revealed patches of blue, stared at the bird flying back and furth in front of the window. He wondered how cold it had gotten outside. It was November now, right? He wasn’t sure which day of the week the month had changed or would change if it yet hadn’t. But surely it was cold outside, right?

_Seven-hundred and ninety-three, seven-hundred and ninety-four, seven-hundred and ninety-five._

Ushijima had only given him a pair of shorts and an oversized T-shirt, neither of which were Oikawa’s own. Judging by their smell, they were Ushijima’s clothes. Oikawa had gotten dressed in them either way, ignoring how the intrusive smell crawled at his skin. But even he understood that he would need more proper gear to make it out of this place without freezing to death. He didn’t even have socks or shoes.

_Nine-hundred and one, nine-hundred and two, nine-hundred and three._

Surely, Ushijima kept their clothes somewhere in this cottage. From what Oikawa had managed to see of this place, there was at least two more bedrooms in the cramped, dark hallway that led to the bathroom. It was in fact a quite impressive establishment for only being a cottage – three bedrooms and all. Well, it was no news to him that the Ushijimas were filthy rich. They were one of those annoying families that had money pulsating in their veins as if it was the most natural thing to them.

_One thousand._

Oikawa slowly rose up from his spot on the floor, moving to stand. He leaned close to the windowpane, almost pressing his cheek against it, trying to see as much as possible of the world outside. Trees and trees as far as his eyes could see. And no sight of a scary, axe-carrying Ushijima either. Alright, it seemed the coast was clear. It was now or never. He had worked hard for this opportunity and he was not going to waste it. He only had a couple of hours before the beast would return. He had better use them well.

A deep breath that reached every corner of his lungs calmed his nerves. He had to be smart about this. Careless, hasty mistakes would lead to failure. Just like in a volleyball game. Breaking out through the window would be idiotic. He would probably get hurt from the glass shards and he would be forced to run off in only the shorts and a T-shirt. Besides, he didn’t even know in which direction to go, and he would end up lost in the massive forest in an instant. The window was a last resort. No, actually, the window was almost a certain death.

He tip-toed to the door. Very gently he pressed down the doorhandle, a part of him throbbing with hope for the wooden door to click open. Of course, it didn’t. What had he expected? Ushijima had naturally locked the door from outside. _To keep me safe,_ Oikawa thought sarcastically. _Safe my ass. I’ll show him fucking safe. Safe is at home with Iwa-chan._

But what now? The door was locked and the window wasn’t an option. Other than the futon, the pile of blankets and pillows and the plate of food, he had nothing to work with. The room was quite literally empty. Even if he would go for the window, he had nothing to break it with.

He started pacing around worriedly, trying to take deep breaths to calm himself. He ignored how sore his hips felt, pushed away the horrifying memories of what Ushijima had been doing to him. He didn’t have time for another breakdown now. He just didn’t. He had to keep his mind clear. He had to be cold and analytical. He was good at this stuff, he knew he was good at this stuff. So why was it so hard?

His head whipped around to look at the door again. A large wooden door. He could try to break it… He _was_ strong after all. Even if he was considerably weaker in his current state, he was sure he could get the door open with a few hours at hand. All it needed was one hard shove, right?

With a determined growl, he threw himself against it in attempt to break it open. All he achieved was a pained whine at how hard his shoulder crashed into the merciless surface. The door hadn’t moved one inch. He pushed against it angrily, ignoring how his body ached from the abuse he had been through. Desperate breaths filled the otherwise silent cottage, and he kept pushing and pushing.

“Open..! Open up! Goddammit!” he hissed to himself, eyes starting to tear up. “Open up!” he screamed angrily, banging his fists against the door. His hands hurt. He was almost sure he had fractured his pinky. But he ignored the throbbing pain, leaning his forehead against the cool wooden door and sobbing quietly. “Please…”

Sinking down to the floor, he kneeled by the door, still leaning against it. He sobbed for a bit, feeling extremely helpless. He had worked so hard for his free hands, and now it wasn’t even paying off? He had sucked Ushijima off because of this, for fuck’s sake. But the door didn’t even move an inch. He was just as trapped as before. He cried out sadly.

“Please open up, I’ll do anything, I’ll be a better person from now on, I’ll never talk shit about anyone ever again, please, please, please”, he had never been a believer of any god, however, in his moment of desperation, he felt there must have been some kind of forest spirits listening to him. The door didn’t move despite his promises to improve. The forest spirits were probably ignoring him. Just as he thought that, something else happened and his pathetic sobs stopping abruptly.

The doorhandle. It had a lock. A small, metallic surface with an unmistakable keyhole. Hope. It was hope. All Oikawa needed was a small, long object, right? Narrow enough to be pushed into that hole. He crawled over to the futon, too tired to stand up again. There had to be something, right? He pushed the blanket and pillows aside, not sure what he was looking for. Maybe there could be some metallic wire in the wooden construction of the futon? He folded the mattress away too, looking at the small wooden frame beneath it.

No wires. It seemed to have been made entirely of wood.

He groaned in frustration, pulling at his hair. Fuck, he was so close. All he needed was something, _anything_ to be used as a tool. He looked at the plate of food. Rice and fruits. Rice eventually dried, right? Perhaps, if he stacked a part of it into a tight line, maybe it could… No that was foolish, it would never be strong enough. Next, his eyes landed on the plastic water bottle. No help there either. And then there was the chopsticks.

Wait, the chopsticks. 

He grabbed them quickly and practically ran back to the door. With trembling hands, he tried to push the smaller end of the wooden utensil into the hole. Too thick. But not by a lot. If he got it just a bit thinner, a bit smaller, it would fit. By now his heart was pounding inside his chest hard enough for him to think it would leap out of his throat. He tried taking calming breaths.

He needed something to grind them with. To sharpen the smaller end of the chopsticks just a bit. Everything around him was made of soft materials though. Except for the plate. The plate was made of ceramics. If he shattered it… He gasped quietly to himself and started shoving the rice down his throat, determined to eat as much of it was possible, just to ensure he’d have plenty of energy for his escape plan.

It was hard not to throw up with how fast he had eaten, especially considering how little he had been eating lately. It seemed his body wasn’t quite used to this type of fast eating anymore. It didn’t matter, however, the feeling of nausea beaten by his strong will to escape. So as soon as the last piece of rice had entered his mouth, he threw the plate down on the floor, shattering it. Still chewing on the tasteless, plain rice, he picked up a sharp-looking piece.

Shaky and excited hands got to work. Not much happened. The amount wood that was peeled off of the chopstick was in fact rather pathetic. But Oikawa didn’t care. Because _it worked._ With enough time, he’d get this chopstick small enough. Therefore, he didn’t waste a single second, his hands working fast and carelessly, occasionally cutting himself. He would get out of there by the afternoon. He was sure about that.

X

“So, you have been coaching Oikawa Tooru for three years now, correct?” Hasegawa Takanori had taken up on Iwaizumi Hajime’s advice to talk to the head coach of Seijoh. Irihata was a strict-looking man with a kind aura to him. Somehow, he perfectly fit his role as a high school team coach.

“I have, yes”, Irihata stood in the corner of the gymnasium while the boys practiced. The police officer had arrived shortly after Iwaizumi had left morning practice. Irihata had kind of assumed that some kind of person of authority would arrive to ask more about this strange situation, so he hadn’t been shocked when two police officers had showed up. The other police officer was chatting with Mizoguchi at the moment. “A good kid, one of the best players this team has had in years.”

Hasegawa smiled at the comment. “Hm, that’s rather high praise coming from the head coach.”

“Oh, he deserves it”, Irihata insisted. He did think Oikawa was their most valuable player, despite his poor manners and flirty nature. Judging the teen purely based on his athletic skills, he was very talented.

“I’m sure Oikawa-san appreciates it… But do you think such high praise also could be a source of pressure for him?” the tone was careful and kind, not sounding like it was blaming anyone. Yet, Irihata felt guilty.

“Of course it could be”, Irihata nodded. “I doubt it is but… Well”, he hesitated.

“Yes?” Hasegawa coaxed.

“Oikawa is a very smart boy. Brilliant, in fact. Sociable and witty. And I really care for him as a growing member of our society. But it’d be wrong of me not to mention that he’s a liar”, Irihata mumbled. “He keeps most things to himself. You never really know what he’s thinking. Sometimes he’s extremely upset over some things, other times he smiles when a relative has passed away. He’s… unpredictable in that way.”

“…Unpredictable enough to harm himself?” Hasegawa wanted to confirm.

“I do have to admit I find it highly unlikely”, Irihata swallowed thickly. When he had seen the news last night, his first thought had been that his favorite student had killed himself. Because behind that strong, charming façade, Oikawa Tooru appeared to be rather rotten. “But at the same time… I’m not ignoring the fact that it is a possibility.”

“Right”, Hasegawa sighed. It was tragic, really. However, it was a story that had been written times and times again. A cheerful, growing star snapping under the pressure of his wide scale of spectators putting pressure on him. “There was the loss of that game…”

“Yes, it surely took a hard toll on Oikawa. He takes volleyball so seriously”, Irihata rubbed his chin as he grumbled. “He wants to make a career out of it. I doubt he’d snap under the pressure of the loss, since he was talking to me about playing professionally just last week, but… you never really know… Teenagers hide so much from us adults.”

“Like the situation with”, Hasegawa flipped through his notebook, “Ushijima Wakatoshi? I heard there was something going on with him… And you and Mizoguchi-san had to interfere at some point.”

“Ah yes”, Irihata cleared his throat awkwardly. It was still such a sore topic. Ever since it had happened, Oikawa had refused to bring it up. When the team had joked about the incident, Oikawa had only laughed along. Neither Irihata nor Mizoguchi had really stopped the joking from happening, but maybe they should have. Oikawa had probably not liked it. “It’s true. Ushijima has displayed rather worrisome behavior, in fact.”

“Worrisome enough to cause serious harm to Oikawa-san?” the tone sounded surprised. Hasegawa had in fact thought that Iwaizumi had been extremely overdramatic the night before when suggesting that some random teenage boy would have kidnapped Oikawa. But perhaps there was some kind of truth to it…

Irihata paused. On the one hand, Oikawa had been visibly distressed by the weird encounters and had been shaking when they had found him after the game, refusing to look anyone in the eyes. On the other hand, Oikawa was a liar through and through and one never really knew what he was up to. What if he really had been playing with Ushijima’s feelings and the awkward admirer had just misunderstood the entire situation? Irihata reminded himself of the fact that Ushijima was the same age as Oikawa – just an innocent teenager. He wouldn’t be able to actually hurt anyone, would he?

“Well, considering he already did harm him once”, Irihata referred to what had happened after the game with Karasuno, “it is a possibility. But it is also a possibility that we don’t know the full truth behind the situation. They have their own secret lives, these teens. I never really know what they have going on outside of volleyball.”

“Yes, right, of course”, Hasegawa nodded quickly and scribbled down something in his notebook.

“I’d say, the only one who actually fully knows the situation, whose words you should trust the most, is Iwaizumi Hajime. He’s the only one Oikawa doesn’t lie to”, Irihata concluded. “I’d suggest taking whatever he says seriously.”

X

It really did feel like enemy territory, Shiratorizawa’s campus. And technically he wasn’t allowed there at all. Yet, after chatting with the volleyball members of Karasuno, Iwaizumi had jumped back up on his bike and continued pushing up past the hill, towards the private school. By now the clouds had been pushed aside by the sun, and the concrete road almost glistened in the pale light that landed on it. Despite the clear blue sky, the day felt white. Perhaps it was the icy wind that continuously made his eyes stinge and his vision blurry that caused him to feel that way. Or perhaps it was his mind, empty and dull.

He once again led his bike with him before leaving it leaning against the walls surrounding the school. Then walked into the schoolyard. Shiratorizawa’s campus was as impressive as ever and it was painfully obvious that this school had insane funding. They even owned horses. Somehow the fact that they had horses pissed Iwaizumi off. What did these jerks need horses for? Couldn’t they just have normal hobbies like video games and ramen-eating-contests?

With people once again staring at him, he walked up to the school building. He was determined to find Ushijima and punch him. He didn’t know why, but he just needed to punch him, real hard right in the middle of his face. He was sure he’d get in trouble for it, but he didn’t mind.

_Sure, give me a written warning. Ruin my university application. I don’t fucking care._

Before he even made it to the steps of the overwhelmingly large school building, he heard a familiar, teasing tone behind him.

“Iwaizumi! Are you trying to pull a prank on us as a revenge for all the times you lost against us?” Tendou Satori, Ushijima’s only true friend, was walking up to him with a pile of papers in his hand. Next to him was Semi Eita, who also was a member of the volleyball team, Iwaizumi remembered. He too, was holding some papers. They had probably been asked to run an errand for a teacher and were now distracted by finding a former enemy invading their territory.

“Like hell I am”, Iwaizumi grumbled. “I’m here to beat the shit out of Ushiwaka.”

Semi arched his eyebrow incredulously. He glanced towards the tallest guy among them, Tendou, who only blinked sheepishly in response.

“Why would you do that to Wakatoshi-kun?” Tendou asked, his oddly large eyes widening enough to almost look ridiculous. He did have rather eccentric features, Iwaizumi noted. He had never really paid attention to it before, always too focused on the volleyball games. Oikawa had always pointed it out though. For the first time ever, Iwaizumi understood what Oikawa had meant when he had said that Tendou reminded him of an alien.

“Look, I know he’s your teammate, but both of you must realize that he’s been going too fucking far with how he’s treating Oikawa”, Iwaizumi muttered. Semi snorted in reply and suddenly Iwaizumi wanted to punch him too. “You’re laughing?”

“Hey, chill”, Semi snorted again. “Wakatoshi is a bit weird, we know, but it’s literally just a crush. He’s been talking about Oikawa since first year in high school. It’s hilarious.”

“Haha, right”, Tendou almost giggled. “He was so upset when Oikawa refused that scholarship here. He had been so excited to play on the same team with him.”

“Seriously, Wakatoshi’s first and only love will always be volleyball. You do realize the only reason to him liking Oikawa is because of volleyball, right? I’m not even sure if it’s a real crush”, Semi clarified.

“Yeah, all Wakatoshi-kun ever mentions is Oikawa’s skills as a setter”, Tendou chuckled. “He probably thinks they’re a good match, being the perfect balance of a spiker and setter after all”, the sarcastic comment made Semi crack up enough for him to almost drop his papers.

Iwaizumi felt how his body was about to explode in anger. Of course, neither of these had been there when Oikawa had been harassed. They couldn’t know. But he still expected them to. He furrowed his eyebrows angrily, staring at the two Shiratorizawa students with pure rage. “It’s not fucking funny to Oikawa”, he spat out. His tone much have gone through, because both Semi and Tendou flinched and quieted down.

“Ah right”, Semi stuttered, suddenly remembering the news. “He’s missing… Isn’t he?”

“Missing?” meanwhile, Tendou had missed the news last night. And he mostly hung out with Ushijima at school, so he hadn’t really heard about the rumors going around.

“You didn’t see the news last night?” Semi asked, shocked. “He’s been missing since Friday.”

“Huh”, Tendou frowned. His face quickly softened, a sympathetic expression of worry flashing over his pale face. “Ah. Sorry Iwaizumi, our jokes weren’t funny at all.”

“Yeah, sorry for being insensitive”, Semi nodded, also feeling guilty for the things he had said. “I’m sure… uh, I’m sure he’ll be back”, to Iwaizumi, the comfort of his enemy just felt awkward and wrong.

“Yeah, whatever, you assholes”, Iwaizumi looked away, tone still low and irritated. “I just don’t trust Ushiwaka one bit. You guys shouldn’t either”, he specifically looked at Tendou, his eyes sharp. Tendou blinked, straightening his back. Something in the way Iwaizumi looked at him screamed at him to keep an eye on Ushijima from now on. And for whatever reason, he almost felt a need to obey him.

“Right”, Semi murmured. He didn’t want to argue with Iwaizumi about that. Semi thought it was childish and dumb to blame Ushijima for Oikawa’s disappearance. Ushijima was innocent. Hell, he had been in school both yesterday and today. He couldn’t have anything to do with Oikawa being gone.

“Ah, Wakatoshi-kun”, Tendou perked up and looked past Iwaizumi’s shoulder. Iwaizumi immediately knew who was approaching him from behind and turned around. His entire demeanor turned absolutely murderous at the sight of Ushijima.

“The teacher got worried since you two are taking so long”, Ushijima had apparently been sent on a mission as well. On a mission to find the first two who had been sent off on an adventure. “Iwaizumi”, he bowed slightly towards the visitor. “What are you doing here?”

He tensed every single muscle of his body. His fists were clenched and ready for attack. His entire being was absolutely prepared to pulverize Ushijima right then and there. The rage he felt towards him was utterly inexplainable, burning so hotly enough inside of him that it caused his outlines to shudder. Then, with one glance, he turned cold. On Ushijima’s left cheek there were very faint, but still noticeable, red scratch marks.

“Why do you have scratch marks on your cheek”, Iwaizumi completely disregarded the question.

“Scratch marks?” Ushijima asked, bringing his hand up to pat at his cheek. “I… don’t know”, Oikawa had scratched at him two days ago. Had it left a permanent mark?

Iwaizumi narrowed his eyes. He brought his clenched fists to his pockets, burying them deep down into them to prevent himself from lashing out. He decided not to beat Ushijima up after all. If he did, he’d just cause problems for Oikawa. Instead, the smarter choice was to stay cautious. To wait for a hint. That scratch mark was surely some kind of sign, because Iwaizumi felt absolutely certain that Ushijima in fact did know where he had gotten it from.

“…Right”, Iwaizumi managed to bark out. “Anyway. Leave Oikawa the fuck alone. Or I will murder you”, he growled. He glanced at Tendou one last time, his gaze firm and commanding, and then he turned around to leave. Once out of enemy territory, he breathed out in relief. A police car was parked down the road and two men were approaching the school.

X

“So, we have spoken to your coaches and your teammates”, Hasegawa looked over at Ushijima Wakatoshi. He sat in front of him, looking stoic and emotionless. That part of him did fit the profile of a stalker. But at the same time, he carried himself with pride and dignity. And he was a successful volleyball player that already had been chosen for the world youth team. Those qualities didn’t fit the typical profile of a stalker at all. “They all seemed to describe you as hard-working. Do you agree with them?”

Ushijima paused, tilting his head to the side ever so slightly.

“I don’t think that I am any more hard-working than any other of my teammates”, his voice was deep, dark and almost perfectly monotone. Hasegawa stared in fascination. Ushijima looked like some kind of enormous beast, much taller than the average person. Much broader as well. And his small, sharp eyes stared at him as if he was a lion regarding its prey.

“Alright, but it is fairly impressive to be chosen as Japan’s representative for the world youth team at seventeen, isn’t it?” Hasegawa tried to coax some sort of reaction out of the boy. It failed, as Ushijima only stared back at him, face not moving a single millimeter in any direction.

“I am honored I was chosen”, such a dull, textbook reply.

“Right”, Hasegawa was almost frustrated. But he stayed calm. They were seated in one of the meeting rooms in the school. Surrounded by treetops outside the window, the two sat in silence for a bit. Eerie shadows of the branches were casted around the walls of the cramped room. “Oikawa Tooru. I have heard you have a crush on him. Is that right?”

“Yes”, Ushijima didn’t deny it. He knew. Denying it would just make him appear suspicious, especially considering that his teammates probably had mentioned it to this police officer. But he didn’t say anything else.

“And I have been told… you went too far on one occasion”, at this, Ushijima displayed his first reaction, his rough features suddenly twisting into a small frown. “Seijoh’s coaches have both confirmed you sexually harassed Oikawa-san during the volleyball tournament.”

“Yes”, Ushijima had known they wouldn’t understand. This was exactly why he had to keep Oikawa a secret from everyone. No one else would understand their love. Everyone else would judge them. Everyone else had grown up in happy families. They would never, ever understand the burning need that both Ushijima and Oikawa felt. He kept himself calm. He had to do this well to keep Oikawa safe from these ruthless police officers. “I didn’t realize I was in the wrong. I understand it now.”

That hadn’t been the reply Hasegawa had been expecting. Instead of insisting that it hadn’t been harassment at all, Ushijima accepted the allegation. This made Hasegawa feel even less suspicious of him. People had been describing this teenager as a bit socially awkward after all. Most of his teammates had indeed been saying that yes, Ushijima did have a crush on Oikawa Tooru, but that it was just silly and innocent. That Ushijima was completely harmless in every sense of the word.

“So, you understand that you and Oikawa-san are not boyfriends?”

“Yes. Oikawa told me no. I respect his answer”, Ushijima replied stoically. He wondered what his boyfriend was up to right now. Hopefully resting well. Ushijima’s body tingled eagerly at the thought of Oikawa waiting for him in the cottage.

“Well, that’s… good”, Hasegawa was at lack for words. He flipped through his notebook, trying to think of something else he should ask. “And you haven’t seen Oikawa either, have you?”

“No. Not since the final match when he came to see the game”, the reply came monotonously. “And that was over a week ago. Almost two weeks ago, in fact.”

“Yes, right”, Hasegawa scratched the back of his ear awkwardly. He remembered what Seijoh’s head coach, Irihata, had told him. _I’d say, the only one who actually fully knows the situation, whose words you should trust the most, is Iwaizumi Hajime. He’s the only one Oikawa doesn’t lie to. I’d suggest taking whatever he says seriously._ But looking at Ushijima, awkwardly large on the small chair, Hasegawa just couldn’t see him capable of actually hurting anyone, let alone kidnapping anyone. Sure, he was awkward, but he appeared well-meaning. That was how everyone, except for Iwaizumi, had described him.

_Maybe Iwaizumi is just jealous._ The thought didn’t feel far-fetched, as Seijoh had lost every single volleyball game against Shiratorizawa in the past. Perhaps that was all that this was about. Perhaps Oikawa Tooru was jealous of the star player as well.

“Is there anything else I could help you with, sir?” Ushijima asked politely. His awkward expressions only made him seem even more harmless, and Hasegawa smiled slightly in response.

“No, I think that was all I wanted to talk to you about. You take care now”, Hasegawa replied. “And please be in contact with the police if you do see Oikawa-san anywhere.”

“Yes, of course, I will.”

X

Their shared dorm room was way too cramped for two teenage boys to live comfortably. It only had one, inhumanely tiny window that barely allowed any daylight into the room. The bunk beds were squeezed into the room awkwardly, seeming too large for the dimensions of the space. Yet, everything worked well enough and there was really nothing to complain about.

Tendou sat by the desk in the room, spinning on his chair. Like most afternoons, he was procrastinating on doing his homework. He thought back at the talk between Iwaizumi, Semi and himself. Then he compared it to the fact that Ushijima hadn’t slept over at the dorm last night, which almost never happened. Tendou hadn’t mentioned it to the police, not wanting the police to falsely suspect his best friend of some horrible acts he never had done. He knew Ushijima would be incapable of defending himself against such accusations.

He felt an overwhelming sympathy towards Ushijima. He always had. Tendou had been bullied most of his life for being eccentric, weird, creepy. He knew how much it hurt when people just put you in that category without any proper reason and made fun of you for your uniqueness. And it hurt him that people did that with Ushijima, even when they respected him as a volleyball player. Despite his status, people would still whisper about how awkward he was, how boring he was, how robotic.

Because of his slightly weird behavior, Ushijima was always labeled as a creep by people. But Tendou knew he wasn’t a creep. He was just clumsy and silly. There was no way that Ushijima truly would ever hurt anyone. Ushijima, who so carefully and lovingly would save flies from being killed, bringing them outside in napkins. That was why Tendou had conveniently forgotten to mention to the police officer that Ushijima hadn’t slept in their dorm room last night.

Now, the rules weren’t _that_ strict. Technically, one needed a special permit to spend a weekday night out of the dorms. But some students had special statuses, like Ushijima, who often was allowed out of campus without any signed papers. Tendou was aware Ushijima occasionally would spend a night at his home, even if Tendou never had seen anyone in that horrifying, huge house. Perhaps, Ushijima just wanted to be alone sometimes. Or perhaps, someone came home at those times, and Ushijima just went to visit them.

As if being able to sense that Tendou was thinking about him, Ushijima entered their dorm room. He was carrying his school bag and placed it down on the floor by the wardrobe.

“Packing more clothes with you, Wakatoshi-kun?” Tendou spun around in the chair, leaning his cheek against it as he watched his best friend. “Going to spend another night at home again?”

“I am actually staying at my family cottage for the week”, was the explanation.

“Ah, yes, you often go there this time of the year to see your uncle”, Tendou remembered. Iwaizumi’s angry eyes flashed in his vision. No. There was no way that Ushijima actually had something to do with Oikawa’s disappearance. “How is he doing?”

“I haven’t seen him yet”, Ushijima spoke as he folded his clothes into his bag. Oikawa needed more clothes after all. Some of the clothes he had worn during the weekend had gotten stained with blood and the stains hadn’t disappeared despite being washed. “I was thinking of staying there two weeks this year. So, I’ll go see my uncle next week.”

“Oh, right”, Tendou sang in reply, his tone happy. He smiled as he watched how Ushijima’s clumsy, large hands so carefully and tenderly folded the clothes. No one as gentle as Ushijima would ever hurt anyone. And yet, Iwaizumi’s words burned in the back of his head, and the next second he found himself speaking words he never had expected himself to utter, “Could I come visit someday? You always visit that cottage every year, but I have never been invited there! And I’m your best friend!”

There was nothing to be nervous about, because Ushijima wasn’t hiding anything. If Tendou was allowed to visit, he’d find nothing out of the ordinary. Everything would be normal and cozy. No sight of Oikawa in any corner of the cottage. Tendou was absolutely certain about that.

“Visit?” Ushijima repeated the word as if it was alien to him.

“Yes! It would be fun. It’s not too far away, right? I could come over for just some afternoon tea or something”, he sang. “I could get us those super delicious eclairs from the bakery downtown”, his voice was a bit quivery right now, and he didn’t understand why.

Ushijima looked at Tendou, closing his bag. “Perhaps tomorrow then”, he said. “I have to go now, so we will speak more about it tomorrow.”

“Yes, yes, of course”, Tendou almost didn’t want to visit that cottage. Because even if he was absolutely, completely certain that Ushijima wasn’t hiding anything at all, his body started trembling at the weird gaze his best friend sent his way. Why did Ushijima’s gaze suddenly feel weird? “Have a nice time out in the mountains.”

“Yes, I _will._ ”

X

The air around him was fairly chilly. But his body felt hot. The hands that had been working for hours now where wet of both sweat and blood. He stared at the chopsticks in his palm. The ends of them were considerably smaller now. He had done both of them, just in case the first one would snap. Judging from the angle of the sunlight outside, he still had time. Ushijima wouldn’t be back so soon.

Oikawa slowly kneeled down by the door, staring at the keyhole with wide, trembling eyes. He was exhausted. Now was no time to rest though, as it was the moment of truth. Would this pay off? It had to. Otherwise, Ushijima would come back to find the room in a mess and Oikawa’s hands bleeding. He’d keep Oikawa in handcuffs again and everything would be in vain.

No, today was the day Oikawa was getting out.

Slowly and shakily, he pushed the chopstick into the hole. It entered with ease this time. He held his breath, very slowly and gently poking around. Somewhere inside of the keyhole would be some kind of switch, right? That was how these types of locks worked. Once you just pressed against the switch, it would snap into another position and the lock would open. But he had to be awfully gentle and careful. In the worst case, the chopstick could break and leave parts of the wood stuck into the keyhole. If that happened, he could kiss his chance of getting out goodbye.

After a moment of just poking around, Oikawa found the spot.

_Here, when I press this spot, something moves._

His breaths became so quiet that he wasn’t sure if he even existed. He was so close now. Just a push in the right direction… Just one single, albeit gentle, push… That was all he needed. He slowly twisted on the chopstick, trying to get it to flick the metallic part inside of the lock into the right position. He did his best not to lose his patience, to keep his cool. One wrong move and his entire plan would be ruined.

A slight twist of the wooden stick got something inside the lock to move. He gasped quietly and very gently pulled the chopstick out. For a few seconds he only stared, pale and wide-eyed. Then a shaky, milky pale hand reached up to the handle, and pushed it down.

With a soft click the door was open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--- aaand Oikawa is free!   
> ... or is he?
> 
> anyway, please leave a comment!!! <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> njfkahefkjf YAY I was faster to update this time!!  
> again, the chapter is a bit longer than normally, since I want things to move on :D  
> ALSO tysm for everyone commenting!! your comments seriously BOOOST me to write more!!<3<3<3<3
> 
> WARNING: descriptions of abuse and rape
> 
> please enjoy this chapter!!!

For a few seconds, he only breathed. Shocked eyes stared at how the wooden door slowly creaked open, as if a spirit gust was welcoming him to his freedom.

_It’s open._

A raspy breath scraped through his throat and the instant the realization of freedom kicked in, Oikawa sped off towards the cramped, dark corridor that led to the bathroom. He first tried the bedroom right next-door. It resembled the other room precisely, except for being emptier, as it didn’t even have a futon. Wasting no time, he leapt over to the second door. And as he had expected, he found piles of clothes, mattrasses, pillows, blankets. It appeared that this bedroom was used as a storage room of some sorts, even lacking the horrifying metal rings in the walls.

He grabbed the first set of clothes he could find, pulling on a pair of sweatpants that without a doubt belonged to Ushijima. He didn’t care, merely tightening the pants around his waist enough so that they wouldn’t fall down. Next, he grabbed a thick-looking sweater and a pair of socks. Shoes and jackets he would most likely find in the genkan, and so he didn’t stick around to search the piles for those.

With an improved armor, Oikawa rushed to the living room, almost slipping with the thick socks on his feet. He wasn’t dumb. He knew he would need to figure out where he was and where to go before heading out. Even better yet would have been to find a phone of some sorts. He hadn’t seen any landline in this house, however, and his phone had been left in his home. Therefore, he went for the next best option, hastily pulling out the drawers of the TV stand.

_Map, map, map…_

Shaky, nervous hands scattered around the drawers as he pulled out them one by one. Keys, manuals, flashlights, extension cord, maps. His hands were slightly wet from blood and sweat and it smeared over the thin paper as he tightly grabbed it. Carelessly he spread the map out, wrinkling it in the process. Calculative, sharp eyes scanned the pale, light-green map. In the upper left corner, he found a black mark that had been added with ink, next to it were the familiar Kanji spelling out the Ushijima family name. He was high up in the mountains, he could see that by the contour on the map. His home was far, far away.

“Okay, so, the scale…” he whispered, unaware of how quivery his own voice was. “One centimeter equals two hundred meters”, he calculated quietly to himself. Using his thumb as measurement, he was able to estimate how many kilometers it would be to walk to the closest train station. “Twenty kilometers… I’ll never make it”, his eyes teared up immediately in dismay. “What about this house”, he tried, spotting a mark for a building fairly close. Maybe someone would be there, maybe someone could help. If not, then at least it would be shelter for the night.

“Seven”, he gulped. “I can run seven kilometers in about thirty minutes.”

Staring outside the window, he could judge which way was north and which way was south thanks to the position of the sun. It was afternoon, so the sun was starting to set in west. The light wasn’t dense of orange yet, he should still have had plenty of time. But he didn’t feel like trying his luck. Therefore, he folded the map as quickly as he could, well aware that he made it into a wrinkly mess. He also grabbed a flashlight, just to make sure he would have something to help him after the sun set.

Now with a clear direction set in his mind, he rushed over to the genkan. He hadn’t seen the front door of this house once since arriving here. It had been four whole days and he hadn’t even seen the entrance. As depressing as this realization was, he pushed it aside to focus on his goal of survival. His eyes quickly found a pair of sneakers, most likely Ushijima’s, and he slipped his feet into them. They were a size or two too large, but he didn’t care. He would run faster than with any proper sports gear. Just before he pushed the front door open, he grabbed one of the coats hanging by in the wardrobe, pulling it on.

Cold air met his tired face like a refreshing, soothing embrace. Four days without being outside once. He inhaled, body trembling. The strong smell of the forest filled his nostrils, somehow concretizing this moment for him. Oikawa was out. Oikawa was out of the handcuffs, of the room, of the cottage.

Never again. He would never again set foot into that claustrophobia-inducing horror house again. With three steps his foot landed on solid ground, the shoe crunching against the sand. His body ached, his hands stinged, his head spun in nauseating circles. It felt so hard to take another step, as if his ankles still were cuffed to something. It wasn’t like he hadn’t fought through something hard before, however, and so he ripped his feet off the ground and started walking.

Ushijima would never lay another finger on him again.

_I’m out, I’m free, I’m going home. I’m going home and I’m going to call Shiratorizawa’s head coach. I’m going to call Iwa-chan. I’m going to call the police. I didn’t take a shower so there should still be some evidence on my body._

The thought of being inspected for criminal evidence was disgusting, stripping the last trails of dignity and humanity off of his abused body. But even worse than that, was the idea of ever having to see Ushijima again. Getting Ushijima sued was the only way to end this mess. One more sacrifice, one more taste of bitterness, and then Oikawa would win.

Like he had suspected, it was cold outside. Hot breaths turned into a soft fog when he panted. He looked up to the sky, visualizing the map in his mind. He was supposed to head to the left of the cottage, right through the forest, ignoring the small sand road that led up to the wooden building. Seven kilometers. A normal Saturday run with Iwaizumi.

Taking off was hard with how much he kept trembling. Even after eating all of the white rice, his body felt much weaker than ever before, as if he really was stuck with a high fever. His hips still felt sore thanks to how roughly Ushijima had handled him and merely walking hurt. Running was even worse. Yet, he forced himself to endure the pulsating pain, lithe legs working against his instincts to stop.

A sound.

It was distant yet approaching. Oikawa leapt to lean against a thick tree trunk, hiding from whatever was making the sound. His heart pounded in his chest so hard that it drummed in his ears, making it hard for him to discern what the noise was. Soon it was indisputable that it came from an approaching car, the low growling of a motor getting louder and louder. His knees felt weak, and his breath was caught in his throat. He was still so close to the cottage that he would be spotted if he continued running.

_Just go into the cottage. Go to the bathroom first, don’t notice the mess. Go cook food. Be a good boyfriend and let me sleep. Go check the room later, much later._

This kind of thinking was unrealistically hopeful as Ushijima always had come to check on Oikawa the first, obviously suspecting him to escape and abandon him.

If he had been able to, he would have tensed the tiny muscles in his ear to hear even better. Instead, he opted for holding his breath and shutting his eyes to fully concentrate on what he heard. The humming of the motor had ceased and a few seconds later he heard the slam of a car door being shut. Ushijima was back home.

Why was he so early? Yesterday he hadn’t come back until sunset. Sure, it wasn’t midday anymore, but the beast was still returning considerably earlier than the day before. Were the forest spirits mocking Oikawa? Were they on Ushijima’s side? Was all of this just some kind of divine punishment for Oikawa’s poor manners and mean comments? He stared up at the sky, his breaths returning as panicky exhales.

_I’ll be kind to everyone from now on, just let me leave this place. I can’t do it anymore._

Then, the front door was shut, the soft noise echoing through the empty, vast forest. Oikawa was frozen in place, feeling as if his body had grown to be a part of the tree trunk he was leaning against. He was supposed to run now. He was supposed to escape. But nothing happened, his legs shaking pathetically. The situation reminded him of the nightmares he would have after watching a scary movie as a child, with a monster or murderer chasing him and his own body moving in slow motion. The only difference was that this was real life, and that if the monster caught up to him, he would die.

Slowly he leaned over to check if Ushijima really had gone into the cottage. It surely had sounded so. Wide, fear-ridden eyes peeked around the thick tree trunk, soft clouds of breaths puffing out between his lips. Everything was deadly silent.

Ushijima stood right behind the tree trunk, gaze looking like the act of murder itself. Oikawa felt himself shrink.

“I saw you from the car”, this was a tone Oikawa never had heard before. “Shall we stop playing hide-and-seek and go back inside?”

Oikawa couldn’t let that happen. He just couldn’t spend another second in that cottage. He hated the smell of the old wooden floors, of the sweaty sheets, of Ushijima’s clothes. His body had too many permanent marks forced on it – one more touch would shatter him. As soon as his thoughts reached his legs, he jolted off. But before he knew it, he was jerked back, a firm grip on his hair yanking him towards the beast.

“You promised me not to leave”, his voice didn’t sound human. “I’m very disappointed in you, Tooru.”

“Let me go! Let me go, you fucking psycho!” Oikawa screamed as loudly as he could, a crumble of him wishing that someone would be on a hike in the forest and hear his cries. He tried elbowing Ushijima in the stomach, tried clawing at the hand pulling on his hair. Nothing hurt right now. The focus of escaping was numbing his senses. “You’re fucking insane! Sick! Disgusting!”

“Tooru, one more word and you’re going to be punished”, Ushijima pulled on the hair to bend Oikawa’s neck over, making it hard for the latter to defend himself.

“Do you think it’s fucking normal to keep your boyfriend in some shitty handcuffs?! Huh?! It’s not!” Oikawa was revolting, ignoring how Ushijima twisted on his neck. He took advantage of it and twisted his body with the hand, turning around and kneeing the beast between his legs. It was effective, Ushijima temporarily letting go and bending over in pain. “You’re a rapist and a stalker and I’ll make sure you spend the rest of your life in prison.”

The freedom he had gained turned out to be short-lived, Ushijima standing back up as fast as he had bent down. This time both of his hands grabbed his obsession, tackling Oikawa down to the ground hard. Oikawa winced and coughed, the air inside his lungs leaving at the harsh fall. Instead of submitting to the beast, he started thrashing around, wriggling and kicking in anger. The situation reminded him of the first night in the cottage and he was forced to face the awful reality that Ushijima was physically stronger than him, especially considering that Oikawa currently was malnourished.

“My mother kept me in handcuffs until I was ten”, Ushijima’s hand pressed against Oikawa’s neck, slowly blocking his airflow. “Are you going to tell me I’m not normal? That is very rude.”

“You’re not normal, you’re a monster”, Oikawa gasped out, both of his hands grabbing Ushijima’s forearm, trying to free himself from being strangled.

“Apologize”, the beast growled, pressing harder and harder.

Oikawa couldn’t breathe, his shallow breaths only got caught in his mouth. He became desperate beneath Ushijima, trying to free himself in whatever way possible. Nothing worked and gradually his vision turned darker and darker. Suddenly, the pressure around his neck got even worse, and he almost felt like something snapped inside of him. Everything went black and silent.

When he came back to it, he was in the arms of the beast, being carried towards the cottage. He realized how close he had been all the time and the only thing he could think of was how pathetic he was. His one chance to escape, and he hadn’t even made it far.

Giving up didn’t come naturally to him, however, and Oikawa started pushing away as soon has he had regained consciousness. He aimed for Ushijima’s eyes, knowing that one successful scratch could be enough to buy him time to run off. Ushijima’s response was to simply drop Oikawa, letting him fall right down on the hard wood of the terrace. Then, he stepped on him, his large foot pressing the air out of Oikawa’s lungs.

“Let… go...!” Oikawa tried to kick, refusing to give in. He wouldn’t, couldn’t let his one attempt to escape go to waste. He had worked for this. He had let Ushijima do horrible things to him in hope of being free. He had to make this succeed. “Let me go home! I want to go home! You love me, don’t you?! Let me go!”

“You’re being so difficult”, Ushijima caught Oikawa’s flailing leg, the one with the weaker knee. The beast knelt down, holding onto the leg threateningly. Something felt off with the situation. “This is your home now.”

“Ushiwaka, let go of my leg”, Oikawa tried to pull away, sensing that the beast wouldn’t go lightly on him this time around. No, something bad was going to happen. He could feel it in each heartbeat, every pound in his chest harder and faster. “Please.”

“You won’t be needing it”, the beast forcefully brought the leg to his lap, starting to press down on it with a dangerous amount of force. It immediately projected itself in a tight kind of pain, Oikawa wincing desperately.

“No, no, no, no, no”, pleading whimpers echoed into the empty forest. He tried to crawl away, nails digging into wood, starting to bleed. Ushijima was holding his weaker leg. Ushijima was trying to break it. Later he would feel ridiculous for panicking about it, but in that moment, it was all he could think about. His volleyball career. If his leg broke, there was a good chance he would never play again. “Please, please, I… I wanna play volleyball”, he didn’t even realize he had started crying.

“I can’t trust you”, Ushijima sounded calm as he pressed harder, the pain in Oikawa’s leg getting worse and worse. Soon something in his shin bone would most definitely break. “You must stay at home. I will make money for the both of us.”

“Please”, Oikawa sobbed, trying to push Ushijima away with his other leg. “Please, please...! Don’t do this, don’t...! Can’t you see you’re hurting me? I’m your boyfriend”, he tried.

This time around, there was no verbal reply. The pressure only got harder. Something cracked.

Oikawa’s scream was chilling.

His vision was white in pain. It hurt. Much more than he had imagined. And his panic-ridden mind only made the entire experience worse than it should have been. Weakly and shakily, he tried to move his leg, tried to pull it close to hold it, but nothing happened, and he remained on the terrace in a pathetic, sobbing mess.

“Fuck… you...!” he breathed out between his petrified cries. How could this much hate and fear fill his body at once? Broken eyes stared up at Ushijima, shaking and filled with anguish.

“You’re mine”, Ushijima whispered, grabbing a handful of the hair he loved to smell. He only pulled Oikawa along as he walked back into the cottage, not even helping him get over the thresholds.

“Stop...! Stop!” Oikawa tried to beg. It felt like not only his hair, but his entire head was going to be ripped off by the way he was dragged along. His neck cramped and when his destroyed leg was pressed against the thresholds, he couldn’t help but to scream out again. His body had never gone through this kind of trauma before.

If Ushijima paused to regard the mess in the bedroom, Oikawa didn’t notice, occupied with trying to handle how his leg throbbed and his scalp burned. Despite telling himself he would never be back in the futon again, he was thrown down on it. The beast lowered itself on top of him, staring at him with undeniable fury burning in its eyes. Oikawa was defenseless. Helpless. Broken.

“You’re mine”, Ushijima repeated, pulling the jacket off of his victim. Of his obsession. Of his lover. “I’m going to show you that until you understand. Your eyes are mine. Your lips are mine. Your legs are mine”, he pulled the sweater over Oikawa’s head and placed a hand on his neck. “Your body is mine. Your soul is mine”, he drew the hand down along the T-shirt, rubbing his stomach. “Forever mine.”

“I can’t do it”, Oikawa whimpered, referring to what he knew was going to happen. He wouldn’t be able to live through this again. He had lost count at this point. This particular time would be the one to shatter him completely. He knew it already. He knew it because he had barely been keeping himself together until now, taping up his cracked surface to stop the inevitable destruction of his being. Now, said pieces of tapes were being pulled away, the cracks out in the open, shatters of him falling down at every caress against his hip.

“You can and you will”, Ushijima’s kisses were never loving. They were commanding, forceful, desperate. Oikawa tried turning his head away, but the lips followed. Before he knew it the T-shirt had been pushed up. He tried using his stronger leg to kick the beast away, but it all felt so useless.

He had always lost to Ushijima, and he always would.

“No, no, I can’t”, Oikawa cried, feeling how he was losing control over his breaths. His chest heaved desperately, rough fingers drawing shapes into his trembling ribcage. “I can’t. No more.”

“Tooru”, Ushijima pressed Oikawa down against the mattress harder. He was being rougher than before, and Oikawa knew that this wasn’t an act of love or obsession, but punishment. Punishment for abandoning Ushijima. For not obeying him. “I’m very angry at you right now. It’ll be better for you to just stay silent from now on.”

Those words were enough. For the first time, Oikawa obeyed Ushijima. Not because he was trying to gain something from good behavior, but because he knew disobeying was futile and idiotic. This was a war he would never win. This was a war that only meant loss. Bitterness would be constant until he grew used to it and no longer tasted it. It was for the best to accept it. Because everything that was happening, made one thing crystal clear for him. Each punch to his face, each bite on his neck, each thrust into his body, taught him the truth.

Oikawa belonged to Ushijima, and always would.

X

Everyone in the Oikawa family were tall. Therefore, it hadn’t really come to a surprise to Iwaizumi when Oikawa had hit a rapid growth spurt the last year in middle school. Iwaizumi, who previously had been a bit taller and considerably broader than Oikawa, had within a few years been surpassed by the ever-growing pretty boy. Of course, when that had happened, Oikawa had started joking about Iwaizumi’s height, rarely missing an opportunity to remind him that he was taller, even if Iwaizumi was older, stronger and broader than him.

Either way, Iwaizumi was reminded by the fact that everyone in the Oikawa household was tall when he was invited over to talk about the situation with them. Miyoko and her Norwegian husband Egil had come over, with their son Takeru sprinting over to Iwaizumi’s to play with his twin sisters. Takeru admired the two girls in the way a typical six-year-old admired twelve-year-old girls. Yua and Yui were like Iwaizumi in the sense that they were kind and patient enough to let him play with them, even when he was half their age.

Miyoko was very beautiful, just like Oikawa and Kaoru. They all seemed to have those genes. Iwaizumi had only seen photos of Oikawa’s father, but based on them, he too had been a good-looking man. Naturally, a beautiful woman like Kaoru and a handsome man like Yousuke had produced gorgeous children. Miyoko had inherited her father’s sharp nose and his slightly droopy eyes. The features only looked mysterious on her pale face, and thick, wavy locks that were the exact same shade as Oikawa’s, lowered themselves over her slender shoulders almost annoyingly perfectly.

Oikawa had managed to hand-pick the best features from both Kaoru and Yousuke, Iwaizumi thought. The sharp jaw was definitely his father’s, and the large, almond-shaped eyes his mother’s. He had the kind of face that made you turn around to take a second look just to make sure you hadn’t walked past a well-known actor or singer. The way Oikawa would ignore the stares he got was living proof that he was so used to the attention that he no longer noticed it. Sometimes it would scare Iwaizumi how good Oikawa was at ignoring everyone around him. It could lead to problems.

This time it seemed it actually had led to issues, the three adults and Iwaizumi seated in the living room around the small coffee table to discuss everything going on. Kaoru had made them coffee, her slender fingers wrapped around her mug anxiously, rubbing it as it if would make Oikawa appear behind the corner.

“I keep waiting for him to come home from school”, Miyoko confessed softly. They had been quiet for a while now, only the awkward sounds of Egil stirring the milk into his coffee filling the tidy living room. “It’s still so unreal… My little Tooru”, it was evident that she loved her little brother as much as she loved her son. She had raised them both, after all.

“We will find him, darling”, even after several years in Japan, Egil had a slight accent when speaking Japanese. He sounded slightly funny, but his pronunciation was slow and clear, and Iwaizumi never had problems understanding him.

Miyoko had met Egil during her second year in university. Both of them had attended Tohoku University in Sendai, both even studying engineering. Egil had been an exchange student from Norway and the two had fallen head over heels for each other almost instantly. No one had ever said it out loud, but it was fairly clear that Miyoko had gotten pregnant by mistake. She had first announced she was pregnant, and a month later that she was engaged. Despite the rush of their relationship, they were still happy seven years later, gazing into each other’s eyes for support and unconditional love. Even right now, Iwaizumi watched how Miyoko melted under Egil’s kind, blue eyes.

“Iwa”, Egil shortened Iwaizumi’s name thanks to both Miyoko and Oikawa, who would call him by his nickname. In fact, the one to develop the nickname _Iwa-chan_ hadn’t been Oikawa, but his big sister. Oikawa had thought it had been funny how Iwaizumi had grown red when Miyoko had called him that and had started using it as well. Over ten years later, he still stuck with it. “Had any of your classmates seen Tooru?”

His tone jumped up and down in a sympathetic, entertaining way, but Iwaizumi didn’t even notice it. Broad shoulders slouched down in shame. “I skipped classes today”, he confessed, eyes fixed on the cup of coffee before him. He hadn’t touched it once yet. “I went to see the other volleyball teams, the ones we used to play against, just to… check…”

If the others looked at him in worry, he didn’t know, because he kept his gaze lowered. He knew none of them blamed him. But he blamed himself. If he hadn’t argued with Oikawa, if he had convinced him to stay over, if he had gone home with him, if he had…

“None of them had seen anything?” Egil asked, and Iwaizumi shook his head sadly.

“Did you meet that guy who, you know, _bothered_ Tooru?” Miyoko asked worriedly. Kaoru had apparently told her about Ushijima. Of course, she had. It was probably for the better that she knew. Iwaizumi felt convinced that the more people knew about it all, the more likely it would be for them to find Oikawa. Someone somewhere must have seen something.

“I did”, Iwaizumi finally lifted his gaze, looking around at the others. “I know I sound dumb… but I feel he did something to Oikawa”, it felt weird using Oikawa’s family name when referring to him, as all of the people in the room carried that name, even Egil. When Miyoko and Egil had married, they had decided that he would take her name, as it would be easier for them to stay in Japan with a surname like Oikawa, compared to Egil’s original surname that had been something along the lines of Kristiansen. That was why Takeru too had the Oikawa-surname, and people often misread the situation before learning about it.

“Did something?” Miyoko’s voice was thin with worry.

“Apparently Ushijima-san had sent Tooru some kind of worrisome letter”, Kaoru explained. Iwaizumi had shown her the photo of it from his phone. The horrifying card hadn’t been found anywhere in the house, so Kaoru naturally assumed her son had thrown it away.

“It all just went too far so many times”, Iwaizumi muttered, unable to hide the fury burning inside of him. Just two hours earlier he had been about to beat Ushijima up. The only thing to stop him had been the scratch mark. The memory of the angry-looking mark was etched into his brain. Something, _someone,_ had caused it. “He just didn’t back down, no matter what we said or did. And when I talked to some friends from another school today, it seems that Ushiwaka has been going around telling people that he and Oikawa are dating, which isn’t true.”

His words seemed to have made them all uncomfortable as they shifted slightly in their seats. This only caused him to lower his gaze once more, and his tanned hand finally reached to pick up the cup of coffee, dry lips meeting the porcelain.

“You don’t think he’d really… I mean”, Miyoko murmured, playing with her shiny and soft-looking locks anxiously. “I mean it would be… that guy wouldn’t actually hurt Tooru, would he?”

“Well, the coaches”, Kaoru cleared her throat, not dealing with this particularly well either, “did confirm that Ushijima-san harassed Tooru. So, it wouldn’t be… Or considering he already hurt him once…”

The familiar feeling of guilt painted over Miyoko’s face and Iwaizumi felt sorry for her. He knew what she was thinking. She felt like she should have checked up on her little brother, should have called him more often, should have come over with dinner. Maybe Oikawa would have told her, because they were close, and maybe she would have been able to help him with the situation. Now he was gone, and no one seemed to understand why.

“It appears Ushiwaka has been in school both today and yesterday”, Iwaizumi sighed, not having wanted to say it, well aware that it would lessen everyone’s suspicion on him. Yet, it would have been unfair and illogical not to mention it. Realistically, Ushijima was not a primary suspect in this case at all. And he probably shouldn’t have been in Iwaizumi’s mind either. The only thing that convinced him was the constant nagging inside of his brain, his instincts screaming, his bones aching.

“So Tooru really-“, Miyoko broke down, starting to cry almost hysterically. Egil slowly wrapped his arm around her, pulling her against his chest for comfort. “Tooru really committed suicide, didn’t he?”

“We don’t know that!” Kaoru spoke up a bit too loudly. “We don’t know that”, the second time she said it, it sounded much less convincing.

“C’mon, mom! You left him alone for over a _month!_ All while he was being harassed and struggling with those volleyball games!” the accusations were thrown at her own mother. But that was the thing – neither Miyoko nor Oikawa felt that special closeness to their mother. Blaming her was easy. “How could you leave him like that?!”

“I should probably…” Iwaizumi didn’t want to be there to see this. This was private family matter. He stood up hastily and made it towards the genkan.

“Iwa-chan”, Miyoko sniffled, struggling to hold back her sobs. “You were the one good thing in his life. Tooru loved you so much”, the way she spoke of him hurt Iwaizumi. As if he truly was dead. “Please don’t blame yourself.”

Iwaizumi slowly turned around, fighting hard to keep up his façade. He didn’t know if he succeeded, didn’t know if his eyes were wet or dry. The pain in his chest was so unbearable that he felt like he was running out of air. Everyone else seemed to think Oikawa was dead. Perhaps it was time Iwaizumi caught on.

“I should have helped him more than I did”, his voice was hoarse, throat feeling painfully tight. Guilt was devouring at every corner of him, only leaving the raw, ugly core of him uneaten. “I let him down.”

X

_The sun is barely peeking over the horizon. It looks like it is struggling to stay up, the outlines of it blurry and appearing desperate. The sky that just had been fiery with shades of oranges and pink is now being engulfed by darkness. It leaves Ushijima feeling cold and he holds onto his father’s hand as they stand on the terrace, looking out over the forest._

_“You know your mother loves you, don’t you?” his voice is kind. Ushijima has always thought so. Kinder than his mother’s. But Ushijima rarely sees his father. And when he does, it’s only when his mother is away._

_Ushijima says nothing. Not because he wants to ignore his father, but because he dislikes lying. Honesty is important. He knows that. He stares at a swarm of flies further away, flying over a bush of rotten raspberries. He squeezes his father’s hand a bit harder. Soon he’ll disappear, just like the sun._

_“You do know that, right, Wakatoshi?” his father repeats. His other hand finds Ushijima’s head and strokes his short hair slowly._

_“I irritate her”, he finally replies. Even if he doesn’t quite know how to read people’s faces and expressions, he could tell his mother was annoyed at him. She would slap him when he used his left hand to do his math homework. She would cuff his left hand to the chair so that he would only use his right hand when eating. She would ignore him when he spoke to her. And if he crossed the line and approached her, he would be locked into his room until he stopped being emotional and difficult._

_“Your mother is complicated”, his father kneels down and gently grabs his face. For some reason, Ushijima’s father barely spends time at home. He lives most of the year abroad. “But she loves you in her own way”, he explains._

_Ushijima doesn’t quite understand. His confusion must be evident because his father smiles. It looks sad, but that doesn’t make sense, since smiles are supposed to be happy. The expression merely makes Ushijima more perplexed._

_“Some people show love differently”, the explanation clears some of his confusion. “Sometimes you have to wait for love to bloom. So be patient with your mother. And one day, you’ll find someone to make you bloom. And when that happens, whatever you do, don’t let go of that person. Because love like that only comes once in your life.”_

_“Like your love for mother?” Ushijima asks, starting to understand. Love was complicated. Love was difficult. He had to work for it, just like he had to work for his grades._

_His father is quiet for a long while, looking at something behind Ushijima. The sun that had been struggling to peek over the horizon is pulled down by an inevitable force. The forest starts to darken, and the swarm of flies is harder to discern._

_“Let’s go inside, it’s starting to get cold”, his father replies instead, getting up. He lets go of Ushijima’s hand to open the glass door of the veranda._

_Ushijima’s hand feels so cold and empty that his entire body shudders. Left outside in the darkness, he watches how his father walks into the kitchen to make them some tea. He rushes in after him. Out here, in the forest, in this cottage, is Ushijima’s paradise. The day he meets a person who can make him bloom, he’ll bring them here, and show them heaven._

X

Everything felt numb. He struggled to open his eyes. He had no idea of where he was. For a second, he didn’t even know who he was. All he comprehended was that everything was spinning. It didn’t make him nauseous. Simply anxious and confused. His eyelids kept twitching, fighting to open. When they finally did, he saw that he was in an empty, crude bedroom.

The memories hit him without any warning.

He had passed out by the end of the torture, body shutting down. The pain and aches found him as quickly as the unpleasant memories had. His lower lip was throbbing. His right cheek was sore. His leg was aching and felt hot. His hips burned constantly. His neck cramped. Yet, he made no effort to move. No effort to sit up. He simply couldn’t. He had lost both the battles and the war. His mouth didn’t even taste bitter anymore.

As if able to sense that he had woken, Ushijima creaked the door open and turned the lights on. His face was softer and gentler now, and Oikawa visibly relaxed. What had happened earlier had been so traumatic that he never wanted to disobey the beast again.

“Dinner is ready”, Ushijima said and walked over to kneel down beside the futon. His boyfriend lay naked on the sheets, limp and obedient. He was aware that he had been rather cruel with his punishment, and he gently caressed the meadow of bruises on Oikawa’s cheekbone. They were darkening every minute. “Would you like some ice? Your face is swollen.”

Oikawa didn’t move away from the hand on his face. He only stared up at Ushijima, terrified whimpers leaving his throat without him realizing it. He didn’t have the strength to sit up or respond. His body trembled beneath the beast, memories of the torture pressed on each inch of his skin.

“Your leg looks swollen too”, Ushijima commented. He didn’t feel guilty about breaking Oikawa’s leg. It had been inevitable. And considering how obedient his lover was being right now, it had been a good idea to punish him. He should have punched him from the start, showed him who was the one in control. Oikawa was Ushijima’s. “And your lip is bleeding.”

“It’s…” Oikawa did his best to get the words out. It was awfully difficult. Why were the most basic tasks so hard for him? He needed to respond to the beast, or it would get angry with him again. “It’s… alright”, he stammered.

“You’re so beautiful”, Ushijima said quietly, pushing Oikawa’s hair aside. It was slightly damp from sweat. But he didn’t mind. Everything about his lover was perfect. Even with dark bruises on his cheek, with a limp leg, with a busted lip, he was the most gorgeous being Ushijima ever had laid his eyes upon. “I love you.”

Oikawa flinched in response to having his hair pushed aside, preparing himself for another punch. None came and so he lowered the arms he had pulled up to protect himself with. It was then that he realized he still wasn’t handcuffed. The realization didn’t provide him with any kind of peace or hope, however. He wasn’t going to leave this cottage. He was Ushijima’s now.

“You don’t need to be scared”, Ushijima soothed him, planting a kiss on Oikawa’s forehead. It was so gentle that Oikawa barely felt it. “The punishment is over now. I forgive you.”

Slowly, his head was pulled into Ushijima’s lap, and his strong, commanding hands played with his hair. Each caress was loving and soothing, direct contrasts to the merciless jabs and blows that had been a part of the punishment. It was hard to believe that this was the same boy who had caused him such tremendous pain earlier. Oikawa knew he couldn’t be fooled. One wrong move and he would be slapped.

“Tooru”, the voice was silent. But it sent a shiver down Oikawa’s spine. “Do you love me?”

He panicked. He had to reply. He _had_ to reply. The frightened whimpers got a bit louder, lips struggling to get the right words out. His eyes were red and swollen from crying but they still stinged with new tears. He had to get the right words out, he had to. “I love-”, he finally managed to cough something out. “I love… you. I love you”, he said it twice, just to make sure his reply didn’t come off as lacking.

“I love you too”, the lovely, orange warmth was stronger than ever, expanding fast inside of Ushijima. Oikawa was the only person he knew that could make him feel like this. Could make him bloom like this.

Ushijima bent down and kissed Oikawa on the lips. At first it was slow and gentle, seeming mindful of the busted lip, but then he slowly increased the pressure, trying to deepen the kiss. Oikawa breathed hard through his nose and shakily opened his mouth for his torturer, knowing what he wanted. He let Ushijima kiss him for as long as he desired, let his rough hand trail over his chest, let his thumb rub against his collarbone. Then, Ushijima pulled away and rubbed their noses together. He was smiling. That was good, Oikawa thought. As long as he was happy, Oikawa would be safe.

“Tendou said he wanted to come visit tomorrow”, he murmured against Oikawa’s cheek. Oikawa felt how Ushijima drew in a long, deep breath, probably inhaling his scent. Again. “That means you’ll have to stay quiet and nice in here.”

Oikawa stared up at the ceiling. Someone was coming to the cottage tomorrow? For a second, something similar to hope fluttered in his chest. Perhaps Tendou could help him. Tendou couldn’t be in on this scheme, could he? Of course not, Ushijima was asking Oikawa to keep their secret hidden. Therefore, Tendou was most likely unaware of the fact that Oikawa was there.

“You promise to stay nice, don’t you?” his hope died the second he felt Ushijima’s hand on his hip. The hand slowly slid down his thigh all the way to his leg. It was the strong one, the one that he still could move. “If you don’t, Tendou must be sacrificed for our love.”

Killed. That was that he meant to say.

No, Oikawa couldn’t live with someone else’s blood on his hands. He couldn’t be the cause of someone else’s death. Tendou wasn’t his escape. Nothing was his escape. This room was his home now and Ushijima was his family. He nodded his head frantically, trembling a bit harder at how the hand on his leg squeezed it once, twice.

“Good. I wouldn’t have wanted to break your other leg”, Ushijima smiled again. He slowly wrapped his strong, left arm around Oikawa and scooped him up. The latter winced in pain, his body so sore from all the bruises that any movement hurt. “Don’t be scared, Tooru”, he brought him close for a tight, sick embrace. “As long as you behave, you’ll get to keep your other leg.”

Oikawa nodded again, face pressed against Ushijima’s neck thanks to the forceful hug. He didn’t hug him back and only leaned limply against the large, broad frame. He cringed slightly when his ear was kissed, unable to stop his instincts. But other than that, he did nothing to push Ushijima away.

“Come then, let’s have dinner together. I’ll give you a painkiller for your leg, alright?” the words were uttered against his ear.

Then, he was picked up and carried to the living room. He wasn’t given any clothes or a blanket to cover himself with. But he didn’t ask for them either. He just did what the beast told him to, which was to eat his food. After dinner, a chocolate bar was pushed into his hands. White chocolate and cherry flavor. The packaging of the chocolate bar reminded Oikawa of his big sister Miyoko. She had always packed him these things in his lunch box. Funny that Ushijima shared the same favorite candy bar as her.

X

The next morning Oikawa didn’t push Ushijima away when he leaned in to greet him with a morning kiss. He didn’t cringe away from the invasive hands on his back. He didn’t kick at him when the hands traveled lowered and squeezed him inappropriately. No. He was too tired to put up a fight.

It was warm beneath the blanket. That was all he concentrated on. The words that were spoken to him were blocked behind a barrier of thick glass, muffled and inaudible. He only reacted when the hands on him told him to, when they grasped his neck threateningly or pressed against his lip commandingly. And when Ushijima told him he was going off, Oikawa replied that he should be safe, like Ushijima had told him to do. That earned Oikawa another pain killer for his broken leg.

He became one with the mattress and blanket. He was no longer human. The numbness was returning. It started from his fingertips, and before he knew it, he had lost the feeling in his limbs completely. It was comfortable. Finally, the constant, abominable pain in his broken leg was easing. Ushijima had put some ice on the most swollen bump on the shin last night, but it hadn’t helped, and the spot got darker every hour. Oikawa knew he would never properly run again unless he got treatment. And since Ushijima had told him they couldn’t go see a doctor, he would have to accept it.

Somewhere, beneath a thick blanket of fog, he could see the faces of the people he loved. He missed them. He longed for them. And at the same time, he was slowly bidding them goodbye. Silent, accepting tears left his blank eyes.

Today the cottage would be getting a guest and Oikawa would stay silent in bed.

X

The air outdoor was heavy with rain. It felt absurd since the sky was clear, a bright blue color stretching out above them. The cold, clear shade of blue didn’t reach every corner of the surface, however, and anyone with observant eyes would have noticed the thick, dominating row of dark clouds marching closer, announcing a promise of harsh, merciless rain.

Tendou glanced out of the window, seeing the threatening front approach far in the horizon. He usually liked history lessons, most days listening to the rambles of the teacher with genuine interest. But today he was incapable of any form of concentration. Because today, when he had met up with Ushijima in the morning, his best friend had told him to come visit the cottage in the afternoon. It had made his stomach twist in worry. Tendou told himself that his reaction was dumb and dramatic, yet the knot in his stomach hadn’t left all day. Rather, it just kept tightening and tightening, twisting his organs in a nauseating manner.

A few rows in front of him sat Ushijima. He sat straight up, carrying himself with dignity. Tendou could see he took the lesson seriously even if he couldn’t see his face. He would have known that even if he hadn’t seen Ushijima at all. His best friend always took every lesson seriously, especially the lessons of the subjects he struggled with. Or, well, struggle was perhaps not the correct word. Ushijima did meet the requirements to be allowed on the volleyball team, after all. But the stoic boy would often express distress over not getting good grades in each subject. Tendou wondered why he beat himself up so much over such trivial things. 

He stopped breathing when Ushijima turned on his head, his sharp eyes staring back at Tendou. Usually, he would have sent him a discreet, silly smile, but he was unable to fake it. He wasn’t like Oikawa in that sense. He shuddered. Oikawa. He was still missing. And Ushijima was still at the cottage.

No, Ushijima wasn’t hiding anything. Tendou was going to prove that to himself. He would go over, see the place for himself, and then sleep with a good conscience later the same night. He smiled at Ushijima.

X

The rain started gently, light droplets dripping against the windowpanes as polite greetings. Groans and whines were heard throughout the canteen, many students seeming to realize they hadn’t packed an umbrella with them to school despite the promise of rain. The bright blue sky really had managed to pull a nasty prank on them.

Iwaizumi leaned against the palm of his hand as he stared out at the rain. Oikawa would always forget his umbrella. Then Iwaizumi would walk him all the way back home to make sure he wouldn’t get wet and sick. The idiot would later run over to Iwaizumi’s to thank him for the gesture, appearing wet and cold by his front door, and Iwaizumi would always ask himself why he even bothered to keep his best friend dry if he was going to do that right afterwards.

Across the table sat Matsukawa and Hanamaki. The loud and obnoxious duo were silent and hesitant, slowly picking at their lunches. Iwaizumi had yet to touch the food in front of him, busy staring at how droplets of water ran down the window. Was the sky crying? Probably not. The sky was probably unaware of Oikawa’s death.

“You guys remember when we met”, Matsukawa began, and Iwaizumi knew this was going to hurt. “It was raining the first day of school. And coach Irihata made us run a lap around the gymnasium anyway. And Oikawa complained about his hair the whole time.”

“Oh my god that was so annoying”, Hanamaki’s voice was frail and struggling to remain light-hearted.

Everyone was convinced that Oikawa was dead. Iwaizumi was slowly starting to think so too. Despite his logics telling him that his best friend had passed away, his instincts refused to believe it. His heart still believed it would reconnect with Oikawa’s one day. It hurt so much, being pulled into two different directions, none of which he wanted to head towards to. Because which option would be better, truly? Spending an entire lifetime longing for your dead companion, or spending an entire lifetime trying to accept the death of your first and only love.

“I wish I could hear him complain about it now”, Iwaizumi muttered. He didn’t realize what he had said until Hanamaki drew in a sharp breath and he lifted his gaze. Both Hanamaki and Matsukawa were crying.

“Me too”, Matsukawa wiped his face with the white sleeve of his uniform. It was pointless.

“I wish he was here right now”, Hanamaki sobbed softly, fighting his absolute hardest to keep his face in check. It was impossible, because he wanted nothing more than to just break down. “Everyone keeps approaching me and asking me where he is, or telling me they’re sorry, or… He should be here right now!”

“Hiro”, Matsukawa whispered, using Hanamaki’s first name. Iwaizumi had fixed his eyes back to the rain, but he knew that Matsukawa was gesturing towards him. “We’re not the ones hurting the most.”

A sweltering silence took place, causing Iwaizumi’s chest to tighten uncomfortably. He had cried himself to sleep last night, the second night in a row. Right now, he was incapable of crying or being angry, or even being upset. It just hurt. But nothing came out. The pain seemed to have manifested itself into his chest, being as constant as an engravement into solid rock. It would never leave, he was well aware of that. The only thing to fill that crack would be Oikawa’s golden smile. And that was out of his reach.

“I will find him”, Iwaizumi’s words lacked his usual resolution. “I will bring him back home.”

Neither Hanamaki nor Matsukawa said anything, and honestly, that was for the best.

X

It was so warm and nice. His body felt light and easy. Happy chatter and excited laughter filled the echoing space. The squeaky noises of gym shoes, the smell of plastic, the dusty windows. Oikawa stood in the middle of the gymnasium, looking at his team, proud. All of them were doing their best today, even Kunimi, who often went for the bare minimum.

Oikawa set his plastic bottle aside, studying how Kindaichi hit the tosses Yahaba set for him. They were slightly too low, and Kindaichi ended up hitting the ball in an awkward position. Oikawa decided to go tell them, as it was his duty as the captain and the main setter of the team to ensure all the spikers got the best possible sets for them. Yahaba’s tosses would improve massively with minor tweaks.

He collapsed as he took his first step, an awful agony rushing over his body. It started from his leg, the one with the knee injury, and spread itself all over his body like electricity. Fast and prickly. The others kept practicing. Oikawa groaned, shaky hands trying to push himself up from the wooden floor. His hips ached and he felt sticky between his legs. He didn’t understand what was going on.

“You idiot, did you overwork yourself again?” the voice brought him immediate comfort. Iwaizumi stood next to him, and Oikawa reached up, waiting for him to extend his hand for help. “I told you to stretch after running”, he said instead, walking off to practice with the others. With the ones who hadn’t collapsed.

“Help me”, Oikawa’s voice was nothing but a breathy whisper. He tried to reach out again, arm shaking.

Finally, his teammates stopped tossing the balls around and noticed him. They all stood over him like looming shadows, staring. Their faces were blank. Oikawa tried to grab Iwaizumi’s leg, but he was too far away. He tried to push himself up from the floor, but something was holding him down. His head was pressed down against the wood, his cheek throbbing at the overwhelming force.

Above him was Ushijima.

The first one to laugh was Kunimi.

“Haha, Ushiwaka must be horny to touch captain like that”, he said. Oikawa _knew_ he only said it to sound cool and funny in front of the older students, as Kunimi was one of their youngest players. Yet, his body went ice cold at the words.

“Help me”, Oikawa coughed out, feeling how Ushijima’s hands were starting to tug his jersey off of him. “Please.”

“I told you to contact Shiratorizawa’s head coach”, Iwaizumi grumbled. “This is your own fault.”

“Pfft”, Matsukawa started cracking up, apparently finding what Iwaizumi had said entertaining. Shortly after, Hanamaki joined in, covering his face to hide his snickers. Then the rest of the team started laughing, jokes being thrown back and forth between them. At the same time Oikawa’s shorts were slid down his legs.

“Stop being so dramatic, Oikawa”, Irihata said. “You said you were fine. You said you’d handle this on your own.”

“I can’t- I can’t handle it on my own”, Oikawa cried. “I need help. I’m not fine, I was never fine. Please. I need your help”, he looked up at them. They laughed harder at his begs. This situation was funny to them.

“I like you Oikawa. Be my boyfriend”, Ushijima’s hands pressed Oikawa’s shoulders down against the floor, making it difficult for him to breathe. “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.”

Oikawa woke up to his own screams. He panted hard, cold droplets of sweat rolling down his forehead. His leg was burning hot, the bump feeling even more swollen now.

He shakily covered his mouth. He had promised Ushijima to stay quiet, and now he had screamed. He had to stay awake until Tendou had left. The cottage was still silent, so he assumed no one had come back yet. Good. He hadn’t messed up his promise then. Soft, scared sobs left his lips, and he kept his hands on his mouth, desperate to stay as quiet as possible.

X

“Pardon the intrusion!” Tendou sang as he stepped into the cottage. He felt as nervous as ever, but the happy songs playing from the car radio had actually managed to ease his peculiar fear. Ushijima and he had also spoken about wildlife creatures the entire way to the cottage, and the awkward, well-meaning chattiness of his best friend had reminded him that Ushijima indeed was a good person.

“Welcome”, Ushijima was behind him, stepping into the quaint building. It was larger than Tendou had expected it to be, but there was still a homely charm to it. The wooden façade was slightly rundown, looking just like a cottage should have. The floor smelled like the forest outside, and the windows looked both dusty and dirty. One could easily hear how the raindrops hit the roof, a comfortable drumming filling the silent spaces. Tendou could see why his friend liked to spend his time here – it was like a comfortable escape from a hectic everyday routine.

“Thank you”, his smile was genuine. In his hand was a paper bag with éclairs. He had promised to buy them the treats after all, and so they had stopped by the bakery downtown on their way over. “This place is really charming, Wakatoshi-kun! I’m totally jealous!”

“You think so?” Ushijima’s heavy steps walked towards the living room. Tendou followed closely, looking around the place with wide, curious eyes. Old photos decorated some of the walls. A messy pile of magazines was spread out on the coffee table. Other than that, the living room was as tidy as Ushijima’s dorm.

“Yes, definitely!” Tendou nodded, lazily tossing the paper bag of pastries down onto the coffee table by the sofa. The decoration was a strange mishmash of both Japanese and Western design. The sofa was definitely of Northern American style, reminding Tendou of something from a Canadian movie. The coffee table had more of a Japanese aura to it. In fact, Tendou vaguely remembered seeing that exact table in the furniture shop he and his parents would visit together.

“Please get comfortable. I must go to the bathroom”, Ushijima’s monotone words caused Tendou’s face to crack into an amused smile. Always so awkward, that Ushijima. “You may turn the TV on, if you’d like. There is also tea in the kitchen, if you want some. And coffee.”

“Yes, yes, now go to the bathroom before we have a crisis, Wakatoshi-kun”, Tendou teased. He knew his sarcasm went past Ushijima, and he chuckled slightly when his best friend arched his eyebrows in confusion. “Just go. I’ll be fine here.”

As soon as Ushijima had left, Tendou’s obscure anxiety returned. It bubbled up inside of chest quickly and uncomfortably. He looked around at the walls, the ceiling, the windows. It really was a quaint cottage. And the small, framed photos on the walls made him smile. Ushijima had been cute as a child, clinging to what Tendou assumed was his father. His mother didn’t smile in a single of the photos.

Something was off.

He didn’t know what it was, but something thick and heavy was lingering in the air, and it wasn’t the rain.

Tendou got so uncomfortable that he stood up from his spot on the sofa and started meandering around the living room. He curiously looked out over the large veranda, watching how the heavy rain splattered against the lush vegetation outside. Even when the trees had lost their leaves, the moss and the bushes were thick of green, looking soft and inviting.

He slowly turned around, taking a deep breath to still the sweltering anxiety inside of him. He wasn’t sure how he was going to eat his éclair. He had even gotten himself two, because he had quite the sweet tooth. Perhaps he could tell Ushijima he had a stomachache and that he would eat them some other time. Perhaps he would only have some green tea. That would most likely soothe his nausea.

He started walking back to the sofa. However, he froze when his eyes landed on the wooden door in front of him. Judging from the position of the doorhandle, the door was locked. Why? Why would Ushijima lock one of the rooms if he stayed here alone? It made no sense at all. It made sense that he locked the front door and the windows, to make sure his belongings stayed safe inside the cottage. But why lock the door to a room _inside_ of the cottage?

_Wakatoshi isn’t hiding anything. He can’t be hiding anything._

Yet, he walked closer to the door. The weird atmosphere was stronger and stronger the closer he got to it. Something was inside of that room. Some big, horrible secret. Tendou wasn’t supposed to see it, his pounding heart screaming at him to turn away and not touch the doorhandle.

He was absolutely sure that Ushijima wasn’t hiding anything. Therefore, he had to see the room for himself. He had to make sure that there was no sign of Oikawa anywhere. Of course, there wouldn’t be any sign of the missing Oikawa anywhere. Ushijima had nothing to do with it.

A familiar scent hit Tendou for less than a fraction of a second. A scent he had sometimes caught when playing volleyball games against Seijoh. A scent that came accompanied by a cruel, cunning smirk.

He reached towards the doorhandle, grasped it with a sweaty palm and slowly pushed it down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--- TENDOOOUUUU !!!  
> also guys I know it looks super dark atm, but things WILL get better :D I just like writing twists haha
> 
> PLEASE COMMENT!   
> and thanks for reading! <3


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